Rock Bottom
by izzyred
Summary: There's a deep, dark chasm in Sora's heart. Maybe it's calling out for someone else to fill it. Or maybe, just maybe, he simply needs a spark to start his journey of self-discovery and recovery. And maybe Axel is just that spark. Sora/Axel (Lea).
1. Off to the Races

**Warning:** Sex (so much sex) and drugs and violence. All the best things. A somber, pretentious atmosphere provided by this girl who thinks she's some kind of writer. Some weirdly gushy bits followed by some attempts at being funny. Song titles as chapter titles, as usual (because I haven't an original bone in my entire body). **TRIGGER WARNING:** rape, psychological abuse, and physical abuse. Please take note. Very important.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own jack SHIT.

**Title:** Off to the Races by Lana Del Rey

* * *

**Off to the Races**

Sora had been well groomed by a hard life.

He was well aware of this, and he used the numbness that pervaded as a result to his advantage. It was easy enough to score some cash hustling at pool or darts or poker, and if the need arose, he could sell himself off just as simply. There was no fuss in this kind of life. It was deceptively simple, and provided the illusion of happiness. Sora could drink and laugh and play games. He could have sex — and get cash — and he was completely free. In some ways, it was the perfect situation, and he saw neither the beginning nor the end to his engagements.

He prowled through the seedy Las Vegas nightlife like the predator he was, living off of the wrinkled 20s of bikers and drunk fools. He thought nothing of his detachment. He thought nothing of the moments in which he was forced to fend off attackers as the cold, night wind of the Mojave whipped through his hair. He thought nothing of scaring off over confident assholes with his switchblade. He thought nothing of his customers choking him, spitting on him, laughing. He thought nothing. He felt nothing.

But then, inexplicably, in the dead of night, he would be sitting outside with his head in his hands. His body would betray him and tears would pour and collect on his palms and his cheeks. He would taste the salt and laugh, and wonder why. He still felt nothing. He still thought nothing. Yet there was an enormous, gaping hole emerging within him. It was ever-present, but only made itself known on those rare occasions. It forced tears into his eyes, dragged him down into the dirt by his nape. And he would wallow and sob and spend several days just… dying. He would stare into space as he drank, he would cry and laugh simultaneously as he lay in the dirt, and he would float in his grief. And after it was all over, he was back at his game again, for months at a time. Hustle, sell yourself, repeat. Drink, give up, repeat. It was always the same thing, a comforting drum beat pounding through his veins.

And it all was going fine — perfect, even — until Sora had that one tough customer.

Pool was the chosen game, and winning was easy for Sora. He'd been playing since childhood, when his father had first dragged him into that sleazy biker dive and bet that his kid could beat anyone in the place. It had all started there. And he'd never lost.

This was true of his current game, which was going all too well… except that the lanky redhead he was playing was definitely catching on.

"You were fucking with me, weren't you?" the guy said, eyeing Sora as he lined up shot after shot and sunk the balls.

Sora played it cool and shrugged, missing on purpose and waiting several minutes as his opponent managed to put a few balls in himself. He missed a shot soon after he started his streak, however, cursing and watching with suspicion as the lithe brunet he'd been playing finished him off. He'd bet a lot on that game, unfortunately, and he parted with it reluctantly, still watching as Sora thumbed through the bills and smiled.

"Did you just hustle me, asshole?" he slurred, slamming his fists down on green felt and staring down the beaming brunet. "I demand a fucking honest answer here, okay."

Sora rolled his eyes and shoved the money he'd won deep into his pocket, prepared to fight the guy off if need be. However, he never liked making a scene. Plus, he frequented this particular biker bar too often to allow for the kind of suspicion this guy was raising. Several of the people around them had been targets before, after all, and the last thing Sora needed was their ire. He glanced around, noting that several other patrons were watching, and decided it might be better to drag the guy outside for the fight. Thus, he ended up steering the redhead by one elbow out into the shockingly cold desert night, sand and wind blowing past him as he stared down his most recent target.

"You're making a scene," he said calmly, poking the guy in the chest. "It's bad for business."

"So you _were_ hustling!" the redhead exclaimed, grabbing the finger still prodding at the flesh of his chest and yanking. "I want my money back…"

He trailed off as he and Sora stared at each other, green eyes locking onto blue like gears clicking together. And simultaneously, they shivered. Sora wasn't sure if the guy was feeling the same thing, but his hand was tingling, his whole body was tingling. It was radiating out from that spot where they were still connected, and it travelled fast down his spine from where their eyes were unwaveringly meeting. He couldn't tear his gaze away, either. Those eyes were life. He breathed in and smelled heat, flesh, metal. It was the perfect scent. He was practically drooling.

'What is this?' he thought, his body unwontedly relaxed and his skin heating up all on its own. 'Damn am I drunk? That's impossible, right?' His thoughts pulled him out of whatever state of hypnosis he'd fallen into, thankfully, and, as he regained his bearings, he figured it might be prudent to respond. It seemed strange after such a long pause, but Sora finally pulled his hand out of the guy's grasp, raising one eyebrow as he smirked.

"Are you prepared to face the consequences of those words?" he said quietly, palming the switchblade he kept up one sleeve.

The redhead seemed to process that for a moment, and a moment too long, at that, because Sora was at his throat immediately, a well-honed blade pressed against the near-translucent flesh of the taller man's neck.

"Because there will be consequences if you try to deny me what I fairly won," the brunet hissed, only intending to scare the guy off. However, it seemed to have no effect on the drunkard, whose level of inebriation was apparently overriding his sense of self-preservation. For a split second, he just stared wide-eyed at Sora, and licked his lips, his pulse quickening even as his body grew completely still. Then he did something Sora was definitely not expecting. And this, Sora reasoned, was why he didn't even realize it had happened until he was already pressed tight against the wall, both hands pinned above his head and a pair of lips connecting hard with his.

Normally, he would have struggled under those circumstances. In fact, he was certain he could wriggle out of the guy's grip easily enough, leave him with a pretty scar and emptied pockets, and spend the rest of his night with some casino rat for a decent sum. But… he lost all will to do any of this as _that kiss_ overtook his body. It shocked him for certain — if only because it was happening at all — but there was more to it than that… it was that same numbness, that same feeling of being overcome. He felt a shiver ripple from his neck and travel all the way to his toes and fingers, loosening his grip on the switchblade and sending it clattering against the asphalt. He hardly noticed, however, because everything seemed to have illuminated around a single point in the universe, and that point was right where his lower lip was being licked and bitten by a mysterious redhead. And then there was the gentle warmth of the man's palms against Sora's wrists. Despite how innocuous the touch was, and how rough it had been at first, it ignited a fire beneath the brunet's skin, setting his whole body to trembling. It had only become more intense since their brief moment of contact before, and he was having a hard time resisting the taste of the air between them.

"Fuck," the redhead whispered, his mouth still pressed against Sora's. "Oh my god."

Sora silently repeated both of these utterances as he was pushed harder against the wall and the redhead's hands moved from his wrists to his waist. His mouth remained close, but not quite touching the brunet's as he stared him directly in the eyes, his panting breaths matching the cadence of Sora's heart.

Sora felt something strange, then, and it was the first time he'd ever felt anything like it: attraction. In the past, he'd had almost no interest when sleeping with the guys he sold himself to, and he hardly ever kissed them. Furthermore, he never, _ever_, lost himself in what he was doing. He was always slightly on edge, aware, and ready for any sudden movements. That was the world he lived in. So he really couldn't ignore it when something so shocking happened. And he couldn't deny the synchronicity he felt with the guy pinning him against the wall. Nor the strange, bittersweet tug he felt in his chest each time they locked eyes and pressed their lips together again oh-so-slowly. He was intoxicated.

"You wanna come back to my room with me?" the redhead murmured, his green eyes surprisingly serious despite how drunk he certainly was.

It took Sora only a moment to breathe out a small yes, and they were off. One of the taxis that often lingered in the area picked them up immediately, and they both spent the entire ride in a tense, enthralled silence. And though it was only a short conveyance, it felt like they'd been staring at each other for hours by the time they stumbled through the door of the redhead's cheap motel room and fell breathlessly into bed.

He asked for Sora's name in a heady whisper, his tongue laving over the tanned flesh of the brunet's neck and chest as he answered in a gasp. And when the redhead said his name was Axel, Sora thought it was just right. He wasn't sure why, but it made sense just as inexplicably as everything else between them did.

Axel… it felt right as it slid down his throat and nestled up against his heart, seeping in deeper and deeper with each beat. "Axel," he panted, watching with hooded eyes as pale lips closed in on bared flesh, all the way down his body. "Axel," he moaned, thrusting up as he covered his eyes in shame, his body overcome. "Axel… please," he gasped, quivering and twitching now, practically shouting each time those fingers pressed deeper inside of him. "Now," he demanded, pushing Axel back, straddling him and kissing him hungrily.

"Yeah," Axel whispered against his mouth, biting back a moan as he slowly pushed inside.

"Axel," Sora said again, still kissing him.

"Sora-"

"Fuck." He wrapped his arms tighter around the redhead's shoulders, biting into the flesh of his neck.

"Ung, Sora…"

There was a rushed thrust, then a pause as they both quivered, anticipating how rough it was about to become. Sora continued to litter Axel's neck with bite marks, an occasional gasp susurrating from between his lips. Axel mumbled something desperate and shoved Sora down again, their bodies still closely melded as he pressed in further and rolled his hips forward. And Sora had never, _ever_ felt so helpless as he did then. Not in his entire life. He felt his head rolling to the side, his legs relaxing, opening wider to let that feeling wash over him more, deeper. He felt his mouth open and his eyes flutter closed and knew that he was making _so much damn noise_ but — god — he couldn't stop.

Axel wasn't even touching him, but he was shuddering, coming, and still moving his hips for more, needy, and drowning in the pleasure. The redhead's hands were moving over his skin, and it was so painfully slow he wanted to grab them hard and press them everywhere. He wanted that tingling touch on every inch of skin. His neck, his hips, his lips, were aching to be touched. His body was dying to be close to the other man's. He felt ravenous.

He grabbed the taller boy behind the neck and bent his body in a way he'd never dreamed possible. He did this just so they could be a fragment closer, just so they could brush their lips together, not even kissing, just feeling each other. He did this so he could grab at Axel's hair and squeeze his waist between his thighs and feel their sweat-slicked chests press together. And Axel was just as hungry, he knew, because every breath was his name, every thrust was urgent, the way his hands grasped and pawed and caressed was so full of longing…

Sora panted one last time into Axel's mouth, then pressed their tongues together roughly, moaning and rolling his hips up in perfect tandem with the redhead. He could feel how intensely close he was to careening over the edge. It was a constant precipice, and the only thing keeping him from plunging that distance was his desire to _keep feeling so fucking good_. However, he could only delay the inevitable for so long, and before he could attempt to regain control of his body, he became a drooling, coming mess just like that. Axel drew back to stare at his face as his cock twitched and the throes of orgasm turned him into a puddle, a groan and one final thrust punctuating the moment as the taller man reached his own climax.

Neither of them moved for quite some time, their skin still tingling in the afterglow and the air surrounding them full of that same strange, charged tension they'd felt the first time they'd touched. It only seemed natural, then, that they'd lay close and listen to each other's heartbeats. And it was all but expected that Axel would grab him when he did, lay a kiss on his forehead, and cradle him into a heavy, dreamless sleep. He hardly made note of the actions, in fact, as they seemed so perfectly fitting, like puzzle pieces dropping effortlessly into place. They were so synchronized that their heartbeats slowed to the same pace. Their bodies were so compatible that Sora felt no discomfort sleeping pressed against Axel's chest. And something in them was drawing them so close that, even as they slept, they sought each other out.

Sora thought he might burst from the soaring feeling in his chest. And when Axel murmured his name softly in the middle of the night, he didn't know whether to weep or shout.

And that was only the beginning.


	2. Fall Right In

**Warning:** Sex (so much sex) and drugs and violence. All the best things. A somber, pretentious atmosphere provided by this girl who thinks she's some kind of writer. Some weirdly gushy bits followed by some attempts at being funny. Song titles as chapter titles, as usual (because I haven't an original bone in my entire body). **TRIGGER WARNING:** rape, psychological abuse, and physical abuse. Please take note. Very important.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own jack SHIT.

**Title:** Fall Right In by Beach Fossils

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**Fall Right In**

It should have felt the same. Sora was certain of it. It was _supposed_ to feel the same. But Axel wasn't looking at him like it did. No. His green-eyed stare spelled 'regret.'

He stood up and pulled on his jeans without thinking. He shifted his shirt over his shoulders and tried to shrug off the way Axel's gaze had pierced him — was still piercing him. He hunched forward, hoping to escape his tingling spine.

"Um…" he ventured, turning to glance at the redhead and to somehow make amends for whatever he'd done to earn that stare. "I-"

"If you're looking for payment, you already have all of the cash I had."

"Oh, well I wasn't…"

He trailed off and stared at the wall, letting his usual dispassion seep back in. 'God, this _must_ have been a dream. I must have imagined those feelings.'

He thought about walking out and never looking back, hoping that if he did it — if he just got out right then — he could seclude the memory deep in some dusty corner of his consciousness. It would always itch there, calling out to him to remind him that he wasn't happy or okay or alive, but he could survive like that. He could pile it up with those other glimpses he'd had into humanity, and he would get by. It would be fine with him if he had to give up every scrap of real emotion he'd ever felt as long as he never had to really face what Axel was and… wait, what was he? Sora had no clue. He wasn't facing it. 'It's not there, it's not there, it's not there.'

But even as he made this his mantra, Axel was staring, and his face was melting into an angry mask. He stood and Sora continued to watch him. He put on his clothes and glared back at the brunet, but neither of them said a word. They continued this impassive silence for far longer than appropriate, and then it was broken with a harsh "Fuck."

Sora flinched at the word and felt inexplicably guilty. He stared at the mush green carpet and flexed his toes, trying his hardest to sink down into them. He was having a hard time controlling his emotions, and it was, yet again, the first time in ages he'd felt so… filled. Filled with anything, really, aside from indifference or sadness.

"I can't pay you," Axel said blankly, and Sora nodded. He continued not to look at him.

"I… have to go-"

His voice cracked.

"You should do that."

Axel's shook.

"Okay."

He stepped into his shoes.

"Okay."

There was a moment longer of tense silence in which Sora thought they might look at each other and smile and end on a slightly better note; that their experience the previous night would come rushing back and fill them both with awe and wonder once again. But nothing of the sort happened. He just walked outside into the already blaring sun, stared open-mouthed at the buildings across the highway, then ambled slowly to his usual dive. There was no purpose to his movements, just a slow, plodding defeat the likes of which he'd never experienced before.

'Should I be counting all the firsts I've experienced since last night,' he thought, a grim smile on his face. 'There've been so many…' He ticked them off silently as he drowned himself in whisky. He stored them in a slightly more stable place in his mind, away from the cluttered, skeleton-strewn corner he'd reserved for warm, passionate things that shone too brightly to look at. He didn't acknowledge that those skeletons existed. They called enough attention to themselves anyways. 'I offered you a future,' whispered one. 'I offered you redemption,' growled another. 'I offered you…' The word was never uttered, but Sora knew what Axel's skeleton was offering, more in feelings than in words. He shucked that off with a roll of his shoulders and smiled at the barkeep, raising his glass for a refill. The woman rolled her eyes and topped him off briskly, flipping open the lid of a box under the counter with a pointed look.

"Your tab's up," she said, pulling out a wad of cash and peeling off a few bills. "And you should add your winnings from last night before you lose them."

Sora nodded and shoved his hand into his pocket as he gulped down his current drink. He pulled out the crumpled cash there and grimaced, remembering its origin. He felt better handing it to Joann, at least. She'd been more or less taking care of him, after all. Storing his money. Keeping him off the streets on the nights he was without a partner. Allowing him a place to earn money without a word. She was the only person he knew, and she was kind enough to put up with some degree of shenanigans without asking questions. They weren't close, but he valued the fact that that box under the counter had a place to call home, even if he didn't.

"Joann, you're a real keeper," Sora gushed, slumping forward and batting his eyes. "What happened to that husband of yours that made him think otherwise?"

She snorted and raised an eyebrow, silently nodding her head towards Breanna at the other end of the bar.

"Oh right," he chuckled, "lesbians."

"That's not it, idiot," she grunted, giving him a harsh noogie. "He didn't want to take her in, so I made him shove off." After a moment of calm silence in which Sora fixedly contemplated the bottom of his glass, she rolled her eyes again and swatted him with a rag. Silently, she indicated that she was cutting him off, yanking the glass out of his hand and stowing away the Johnnie Walker.

"Aww, c'mon," he whined, draping himself over the counter and ignoring the way his hackles rose as another customer sidled up next to him. "Joaaannnnnnnnn-"

"I see you're making a scene again," the guy said quietly, tapping on Sora's shoulder with deceptive gentleness.

"Huh?"

They faced each other and exchanged cold glances. 'A former victim, eh?' Sora thought, pursing his lips. 'He looks like he wants to beat the shit out of me.'

"I know what you do around here," the guy continued, leaning in. "All the hustling and cheating? You think you're clever don't you you little shit." Before Sora could flinch, a meaty hand was squeezing his jaw and his body was swaying to the side, nearly tumbling. The only thing that kept him upright in his sudden drunkenness was the tight grip now crushing his face. He made no move to get himself out of it, anyways. "I want my money back."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Sora murmured, gripping onto the guy's forearm and giving him a winning grin. "I hear that one all the time from big macho guys like you who can't handle their puny egos taking a bruising cuz they lost a game of pool to a skinny little prostitute. Usually they're more than willing to give that up when I have them coming all over my face-"

Stars. They filled his vision and continued to dance there even after his eyes fluttered open moments after impact. He'd been punched to the floor, though certainly not with much force. He'd already been halfway there on his own, so all it took was a good, solid slug and he was flat out. Still, he was grinning, blood filling in the gaps between his teeth.

"Ah, well," he grunted, pushing himself back up, "I guess that's not for you, then. Maybe just a quick hand job will tide someone like you over- WOAH!" He jumped back, laughing as the guy's fist narrowly missed his chin. "Yikes you were really going for it that time-"

"Give me my fucking money, whore," the man spat. But his voice was shockingly calm, obviously filled with more contempt than anger. For some reason, that pissed Sora off. Pretty massively, actually. He watched another punch slide towards him and decided it made him just angry enough to- _Snap_. They all heard it. All four of the other people in the bar, and especially the big guy, because his hand was now hanging limp from his crushed wrist, and his eyes were comically wide.

Sora laughed some more and slumped down against the bar as the guy yelled and everyone bustled around to help. Somewhere amidst the fray, he was shoved out the door by Joann with a stern look, and ended up jogging out into the empty desert to spin around and enjoy his inebriation.

His socks snagged against wiry desert bushes and he whistled and kicked, swinging his arms to propel him forward and giggling as he stumbled to the dirt. He laid there and cooked in the sun with little snorting laughs, letting the filth really settle in. It wasn't just that he was rolling around on the ground, or that he could now feel Axel's cum dripping out of him. It was a deep-set mold that was eating away at his soul that was really tainting him, killing him slowly like a spiritual sickness. He cradled his own head and prepared for the hole to open up and swallow him again, knowing that it was definitely coming, knowing that those skeletons would be laughing at him now. Not even his memories of tingling skin and too-hot kisses and gentle caresses could save him. Not even the deep green of Axel's eyes or the small tattoo on the side of his neck (now sporting a few bite marks alongside it) could redeem what he'd lost.

'What happened to me?' Sora thought, drifting in and out of consciousness. 'Why was I so taken by him? Why would I let myself go all weak-in-the-knees for some fucking… random, skinny, punk-ass stranger? He was just a lay. An amazing lay, yeah, but still just a lay, nonetheless. What does it matter that he kicked me out? What does it matter that he looked at me like…'

"Like trash," Sora said aloud, laughing again and squeezing his eyes closed. The tears came unevenly from under his eyelids, and the laughter was just as erratic as his hiccups and choking coughs cut in. He was sure he could feel a scorpion crawling on him, but he didn't care. He was sure he was going to die of dehydration and exposure laying outside if he stayed there all night, but he didn't care. Whichever way he went, he deserved it.

'This is where I belong,' he thought, nodding and rubbing his eyes. 'In the dirt, bleeding and drunk and leaking cum like the used up piece of garbage I am. This is me.'

He continued to murmur that to himself even as Joann slung him over her shoulder and dragged him back to the bar.

"Yes it's you," she said to him over and over, wiping his face down with a wet cloth and staring at him with an unwonted amount of concern. "Honey… are you okay?"

He gaped at her, and nearly laughed again, though he managed to cut it off at just a bloody smile. He didn't want to offend her, after all. She had dragged his ass out of what was about to become a cold desert night, and she kept his box, and she always gave him a place to stay. "It's aaalllll gravy," he slurred, swaying to the side and swallowing down some blood. "I survived his punch, I survived an afternoon out in the sun on my ass, I survived a scorpion bite-"

"You were not bitten by a scorpion," Joann assured him, her voice soft. "And that's not what I'm talking about."

Sora leveled her with a cold stare — his signature one, at that — and dropped his chin on his fist. "When have I ever been okay since you've met me?" he said, laughing mirthlessly. "Honestly, I don't think I ever have been, or will be, so save your concern. It's wasted on a wad of discarded refuse like me."

She continued to kneel next to him, giving him a pained look for quite some time before slowly retreating from the booth she'd dragged him to. She glanced at him occasionally as she served the steady flow of customers now making their appearance, her consideration disconcerting him. He stumbled away from her gaze, feeling odd, and stared at himself in the bathroom mirror for ten minutes, not sure what he was looking for.

'All of this is completely fucking ridiculous,' he thought. 'Pull yourself together. There's no reason for these fucking breakdowns.' Despite those words, he still felt incredibly uneasy each time Joann cast her doleful eyes on him, so he searched for a distraction, pulling a few bills from "the box" and going after a biker for a quick hustle.

It was his second game in, and he was playing his drunkenness up hard, leaving his opponent smirking and shaking his head, thinking he'd have an easy thousand in his pocket soon. He clicked into his role with such ease it was almost comforting. 'This is me,' he thought again, sinking a ball and staring in wide-eyed shock.

The other guy frowned but showed no sign of catching on, even going after a tough shot deliberately and shrugging as he missed it. Sora went in for the kill. Three shots in a row. They weren't too quick, or too practiced. He fudged his alignment with the cue and still managed to sink them while looking a mess. He laughed and called it luck and- froze. His eyes locked on Axel, who was sitting so close by he wasn't sure how he'd missed him. He'd obviously been there for some time. He had an empty glass sitting next to him and another half-gone in his hand, and his eyes were zeroed in on Sora. They continued to have their little staring contest for another two minutes as the biker lined up two shots and missed the third. His distraction left Sora with barely enough time to resume his act, and by the time he turned and easily pushed the last few balls he had left on the table in, he was an actual mess.

His frazzled, frantic energy made his performance that much more believable, and he pocketed his winnings with absolutely no fuss, not even receiving a rematch demand as he so often did during these games. This was fortunate, as he knew that he had to get out. He had to get away from the piercing stare still following his back. He half-ran out the door with the intention of hailing a cab and riding to the strip. Picking up some vacationing asshole was his best chance, he didn't even care if they paid. He just had to escape Axel and all of the complicated magnetism that accompanied his presence.

"Wait."

The hand on his elbow was Axel's. Of course it was. The tingle of his skin told him so, the murmur of the man's voice was too obvious. He shuddered and nearly sunk into it again, the feeling dragging him down as though his survival depended on taking it in and letting it carry him away. Then he was pushing out of Axel's grasp, looking at him as squarely as he could and hoping for some sort of answer. 'Why is this happening?' he wondered, begging for some response. 'What are you doing to me?'

"Who are you?" Axel said, reaching out and tugging him forward gently. He shuddered as he did, eyes narrowing. "Is this some sort of trick?"

"I don't know," Sora whispered, swallowing against the lump in his throat and trembling under Axel's touch. "But whatever you're feeling, I promise you, I'm not doing it, and I'm feeling it too. I'm feeling something terrifying."

"Yeah," Axel grunted, his lips crashing against Sora's even as he attempted to continue speaking. "Why do I feel like this?"

"I don't know, I don't know," Sora whispered back, his tears salting their lips and tongues. "Stop doing this. I can't take it. Stop it."

"Yeah."

"Please, my heart is about to beat out of my chest."

"Yeah."

The wind whipped past them but they hardly noticed, because, once again, their mouths were warm and wet and working against each other. Their soft gasps and pants were the only thing punctuating the air around them. Their heartbeats were completely in synch, pumping heady blood through their veins.

Axel breathed in hard, whispering "Fuck," and moving back in for deeper kisses. "Come back with me again. Come back and figure this out with me, please. I can't take it."

"Yeah." Sora said it this time, smiling as Axel quirked his mouth at him.

"Such eloquent conversations we have," the redhead muttered, laughing as he led Sora to the parking lot by one hand. "How sober are you?"

Sora thought about it, recalling how much he'd had to drink and how long ago. "I should be 100% clean by now," he said, shrugging. "But why does that matter?"

"I may be a fuck-up and a derelict, but even I know better than to drink and drive." Axel tossed him a heavy set of keys and smiled, indicating an old black car parked in one of the unpaved corners of the lot. "So you drive."

Sora shook his head but didn't question it. He was tired of questions. There were no answers for any of them, so what was the point? It just made his senses duller, and he wanted to feel everything. He wasn't sure what was going on, but he knew that much. He knew how much he desired those sensations as he drove and Axel leaned against him and fiddled with his hair. He could smell the need coming from his own skin as they entered the same sleazy motel room as before, crashing against the same bed.

"Wait," Sora muttered, glancing down at himself and noting how dirty he was. "I need to borrow your shower."

Axel seemed to contemplate this for a moment, then glanced down at his own body and shrugged, yanking the brunet by the hand and stripping him down without invitation as they moved towards the bathroom. "We both need it, I think," he said with a nod, "so let's conserve water."

Sora considered protesting — considered, then moved on, because he was lost at sea all over again, and there was no fighting the current.

He found himself being handled easily enough. His will was completely drained by the sensation of Axel's hands on his skin. The minute he was undressed and standing under the stream of hot water with the other man, he became intoxicated. His breath hitched as he was kissed with surprising tenderness and he succumbed to the feather-light touches now tracing his sides, his neck, his hips, his lower back. It seemed that the redhead knew exactly where to place his fingers, just how to use his tongue, just how to press up against Sora to make him feel helpless and unbearably turned on.

He gasped into their kiss, then bit back hungrily at Axel's lips. The gentle ministrations continued, then heated up as they pressed a little closer, pushing their slick skin together a little more fervently.

Axel's hands moved slowly, everywhere. His mouth laid kisses down his neck, his chest, sucking water from his skin. His tongue swiped over Sora's nipple and there was a twinge in the brunet's stomach.

He breathed hard and bit Axel's ear. He clawed desperately at his back and moaned when three fingers began working inside him a little faster. His vision flickered. His breath was erratic, ragged. He felt like the steam rising around them was pumping through his veins, heating him from the core and melting his body into the one next to it.

Axel pushed into him and he moaned, letting his head fall back against the wall as his toes curled in. The redhead panted against his neck and thrust into him again, murmuring out a small curse as he picked up the pace and bit into Sora's sensitive flesh.

"Axel," he moaned, leaning in to kiss the other man sloppily. The water nearly choked both of them, but neither could seem to muster any irritation at that. And even as Sora started to lose consciousness, he felt no desire to stop. Even as they both moaned one last time and came, they felt no need to pull apart or leave the shower.

In fact, they stayed under the stream until it grew cold against their skin. They moved together desperately again and again until their fingers were pruny and their bodies were ragged.

And still, Axel wanted to carry on even after they'd left the shower. Sora had other plans.

"I'm so tired, Axel," he muttered, his lips parting as the redhead attacked his neck. "Please, I'm so tired. I nearly passed out in there."

"Sorry," the taller boy responded, still licking and biting and kissing away. "Sorry, I'll stop in a minute. I won't do anything more."

Sora sighed, but didn't argue, secretly pleased to have the attention; he couldn't deny how good it felt just being close to the other man.

"I feel like I should say something real to you," Axel murmured, letting his head flop against the pillow, finally. "We know absolutely nothing about each other."

Sora shrugged and yawned a bit, wriggling a little to get more comfortable. "Well pick something then," he murmured.

"Like what?" Axel's hand ran through his hair.

"Like tell me about where you're from." Sora pressed up closer to his side. Then paused.

The redhead cringed in such a way that Sora knew not to prod at that subject again for the time being. Instead, he derailed that train before it got going and turned to look at the other side of the room, not sure why he felt compelled to speak. "I'll start then," he said, breathing a sigh at the calming effect of Axel's hand running up and down his side. "I grew up in Vegas. Never been anywhere else. I don't know anyone here because my family life wasn't exactly functional, but I have no escape. I have nothing outside of my life here, if you can call it a life."

Axel leaned over and kissed him softly, pulling him close and still rubbing his side. "And what about your family life wasn't functional?" he asked.

There was a pause, then a sigh from the brunet. It wasn't the time for that conversation. "I can't say."

Axel pulled back. "Sora-"

"It's too-" he glanced up at the ceiling, muttering to himself for a moment before turning back over to meet Axel's eyes. "I don't feel comfortable talking about that. I never have. And I probably won't be able to for a long time."

He didn't say it, but it was shocking enough as it was that he was saying even that much. Acknowledging that that past existed at all was quite a step.

"Okay," the redhead said, finally, nodding. "I can respect that. Especially since this is all so fucking weird and unexpected anyways."

Sora chuckled. "Yeah, well… yeah. It's weird, that's for sure. I don't know what's going on. Maybe we shouldn't even question it."

"At least not for now," Axel agreed. "But maybe after we've figured out some of this initial stuff, we'll look back and wonder."

"That's assuming we're still together." Sora smiled.

"Well, for now, it seems like I can't leave you alone, and you seem to be in the same boat."

"You're right," the brunet sighed, pressing close to illustrate the point. "But now it's your turn."

Axel made a small "hmmm" noise for a moment, then pressed his mouth against Sora's ear.

"Well, I've been traveling around this past year," he murmured, kissing the ridges of the smaller boy's cartilage. "I left home ages ago and settled with some people for awhile but, well, I felt like I needed to get out on my own. I didn't have a functional family life either, after all. So I came here, after a few other stops, and I've been hitting biker joints and wasting money on booze and cigarettes for months, doing nothing with my life."

Sora went still, then glanced up at Axel, wondering what he'd been through, what he was hiding. They both seemed to be equally lost and purposeless, and perhaps that was why they were aching for each other so deeply. Perhaps they could sense the emptiness in each other. 'It's like we're trying to fill the void with more emptiness.' He sighed at the desperation of that thought and waited for Axel to continue, but the redhead seemed to be finished. Neither of them attempted to reinstate conversation after that, probably equally lost in thought. It wasn't until he awoke the next morning that Sora realized that he was already more comfortable with Axel than he'd ever been in his entire life.

'I guess I'm fucked,' he thought, laughing quietly.


	3. Bug

**Warning:** Sex, drugs, violence. All the best things. A somber, pretentious atmosphere provided by this girl who thinks she's some kind of writer. Some weirdly gushy bits followed by some attempts at being funny. Song titles as chapter titles, as usual (because I haven't an original bone in my entire body). **TRIGGER WARNING:** rape, psychological abuse, and physical abuse. Please take note. Very important.

**Disclaimer:** I have no imagination, I came up with nothing, I own nothing.

**Title:** Bug by Wavves

* * *

**Bug**

Axel rolled over and sighed through his nose, opening and closing his mouth a few times before his snoring resumed.

Sora lay staring in awe at the person sleeping next to him. He could feel his knuckles making imprints against his cheek, pressing painfully against the bruise he'd forgotten he'd received, but he was too fascinated to be witnessing the sleeping habits of another to move or make much noise. Still, he was keenly aware of the physical sensations battering him in that moment. The grainy texture of the blanket against his skin, the cold numbness spreading through his toes as they flexed and lightly brushed Axel's leg, the midday sun beating against his back through the flimsy curtains. All of it was strangely intoxicating to him, and he decided that everything was Axel's fault. It was his scent that was so heavy in the room. It made everything that much brighter, that much better.

He sighed and considered closing his eyes again, briefly forgetting that if he slept he would probably have a nightmare. 'Axel's doing again,' he thought, shaking his head. 'He's making me forget reality.'

With that in mind, he stood, stretched, and nudged the bed with his foot, eyeing Axel as he revealed a shocking smile.

"I'm awake," the redhead murmured, yawning soon after and making a racket as he did his own stretching.

Sora took note of a few tattoos he hadn't quite noticed before, wondering what the story behind each one might be. He got the feeling they were purely aesthetic, and decided to spare himself the disappointment of that admission by not asking.

He smiled back at Axel, despite himself, and wandered to the bathroom, snagging some of the redhead's mouthwash and using it without permission. His spare toothbrush had a fairly permanent home at Joann's bar, nestled oddly in his box with his cash and his random trinkets. He shook his head as he remembered why he made Joann handle that box entirely, wondering why being with Axel seemed to dredge up so much hurt. He spit out the mouthwash after a few minutes and stared at the lanky man in the mirror, realizing as he watched him get dressed that those things weren't bothering him as much despite how pressing they'd suddenly become in his consciousness.

'I don't know what all of this is,' he thought, scratching vigorously at his hair and stepping back into the bedroom. 'I don't know what this is at all. Whatever is happening, I guess it's good right? He's making me open up to myself somehow, I guess.' He glanced at the other man again and wondered if he might be able to tell him everything. 'There are some things I'm not ready to do, but maybe if I stick with him, just for awhile at least, I'll be able to stop- stop what? Stop this incessant train of thought? Stop living in a loop of self-hatred and greed? Stop torturing myself? Stop what?'

Sora decided that this sudden thoughtfulness was not pleasant at all, in that moment, and grunted in frustration as he put on his filthy clothes. 'I guess I need to go get some clean ones from Joann.' He wondered, then, what Axel was going to do, and realized that they'd made no promise to spend the day together, though that's what he was imagining. It was jarring to think that he'd gotten so carried away all on his own, and he came crashing back to earth just like that. He felt drained, suddenly, and let the feeling carry him, slumping onto the bed and falling onto his side.

Axel, having finished dressing himself and half-assedly untangling his massive nest of red hair, turned and eyed Sora curiously. He joined him on the bed uninvited and spooned him in an act of over-familiarity they'd both become accustomed to during the two previous nights. With Axel's arms around him, Sora started to feel slightly better, and hummed in his throat as the surreality of their situation carried him away once more.

"Your clothes are really dirty," Axel murmured, kissing the side of his neck.

Sora grunted in affirmation, not moving.

He kissed the same spot once more. "They literally have dirt on them. And blood."

Sora grunted again, sinking deeper into Axel's arms.

"Maybe you should borrow mine?"

Sora shook his head gently, eyes still closed, body still refusing to move. It seemed to be fine with Axel, because they ended up laying like that for a good half an hour before anything else was said. Finally, Sora sighed away his lethargy and stood to reinitiate his day.

"The lady who owns the bar I always go to has a lot of what I own at her place," Sora informed the redhead, dusting some of the grime from his clothes and heading for the door. "I'll go get some clothes from her."

"Well why are you walking out of here like you're going alone?" Axel whined, jumping up and following him without asking permission. He pushed the brunet out the door and into his car, then, asking Sora for directions before driving them the short distance with a small smile on his face and the radio turned up way too loud. Sora didn't mind; it felt good. And it hadn't stopped feeling good. That made him nervous.

Even though he was so wrapped up in how strange everything between them had been, and continued to be, a constant thrum was building in the back of his mind, reminding him that nothing lasts forever and second chances are never what they seem. He tried to shake off that sickening feeling but there was nothing for it. It had established itself just as concretely — no, _more_ concretely — than whatever feelings he was directing at Axel and the space he took up in his life. That was hard to stomach, but what was worse was the hole that accompanied that negativity, the one he was so often sent spiraling into without warning or mercy.

Sora couldn't help but think of the past when confronted with that same deep, darkness. He couldn't help but remember what he kept in his box, and all those memories he'd repressed. He couldn't help but think about his father rotting away in jail, and the scars that littered his skin even after so many years. He couldn't help but start to be wary of Axel, just as he was of everyone else. Just as he'd shut himself off from everyone else.

"Sora." Axel shook his shoulder, obviously concerned as indicated by the crease between his brows and the inquisitive look in his eyes.

Sora immediately put on his business smile.

"Sorry."

"Don't apologize," the redhead murmured, resting his hand on the top of Sora's head. "You looked scary. Like something really awful just occurred to you."

Sora shrugged. Then paused, staring at his own hands clasped between his knees. He wondered what Axel was thinking. 'Probably that I'm completely insane,' he thought with a grim smile, 'which is correct.' Finally, after a few more minutes of silent self-deprecation and tightly strung tension, Axel got out of the car.

And though he looked like he didn't want to let it go, he did.

Instead of saying anything more, he walked a few feet away and lit a cigarette, watching impassively as Sora slunk to Joann's front door and ducked inside her house, changing his clothes and reemerging moments later. He couldn't seem to figure out what to do with himself after that, and stood near the hood of Axel's car with a blank expression, hoping the redhead would say something so he wouldn't have to. He was afraid his fragile sense of reality would shatter again if he opened his mouth. So he was incredibly relieved when Axel wandered over to him and began kissing him with a surprising amount of passion, lips clashing against lips in unexpected desperation. And he wasn't complaining because Axel's hands against his face warmed him all the way to his toes. His wet kisses settled his scattered thoughts. And the way his body pressed close nearly brought tears to his eyes at the comfort that simple contact incited. It was like the things he'd been contemplating no longer existed for a moment, and when they drew apart to look at each other, he smiled breathlessly and questioned nothing.

Axel smiled back and petted down his hair, drawing him close so they could stand together a bit longer. It seemed their time together had been filled with moments like this one, just letting the world slow around them and enjoying the feeling of closeness and companionship. There was no need for endless, mindless chatter because they were getting what they needed from each other without even a word.

Sora tried his best recall this and recall how much he'd enjoyed it later in the night as he stood watching Axel with mouth agape, the redhead's hands pounding against a blackjack table loudly as he screamed at the dealer and threw back his latest drink.

Half of him wanted to laugh at the spectacle, really, but the other half was just mortified by such blatant and uncouth behavior. Sora couldn't say he was entirely surprised, not after the way he'd been threatened the first night they'd met. 'Just two days ago,' he thought, still watching Axel and covering his smile with one hand. 'This man is a child.' With that realization, Sora jumped to action, stomping over to where his partner was yelling his head off and chain-smoking, and hauling him away before he got kicked out.

Axel didn't put up a fight at all, smiling like a little kid who'd been caught doing something naughty and shoving his hands in his pockets. "I almost had 'em back there."

"No. You almost got kicked out back there, dumbass," Sora muttered, smirking despite himself. "And it's not like you can really "have 'em" at blackjack. It's a complete scam at casinos like this."

Axel shrugged and coughed into his hand, producing a stack of bills and chips he'd collected throughout the night from his pocket and raising one eyebrow at Sora as they continued walking. "I was going to get kicked out whether I made a scene or not," he said with a grin.

Sora shook his head in awe as he chuckled, and motioned for Axel to put the money away, sighing as they wandered down the strip. He hadn't admired the neon signs and gaudy facades of the place in awhile, so he stared as they walked, wondering why he still lived in a place like Vegas. He didn't feel right on the strip, and he didn't feel right on the outskirts. Joann's bar made him feel tiny and afraid (though he put on a brave face), but the strip made him feel alien and alone. It was like the whole town was out to get him. Constantly. 'Why did I stay when I could have gone anywhere,' Sora halted that train of thought before it could leave the station, turning his head to smile at Axel, knowing that the guy had probably noticed his far-off look. He always seemed to take note pretty keenly when Sora started thinking too much (as demonstrated by the many times he'd had to snap the brunet out of it just that day). He looked like he really wanted to question it every time, just like the first time, but he never did. Until they sat down to eat at a small restaurant off the strip.

Once they'd ordered, and Axel seemed to have gotten his fill of staring at Sora's face, he broached the topic out of the blue.

"What happened to you?" he said blankly, fingering his straw and staring. His green eyes were full of compassion, but Sora still felt his skin crawl at the question. He shrugged. Axel rolled his eyes.

"Why are you avoiding telling me?"

"Why are you so persistent about something I'm obviously not ready to share?" Sora snapped, unintentionally letting his frustration out. He started to take back the harsh words, but stopped himself, realizing that he had no reason to apologize to Axel. He didn't owe him anything. He started to get that creeping, nauseous feeling again.

"I just- I feel like you're on the verge of something," Axel muttered, still poking at his straw, still staring. "I feel like if you let it all out, if you let yourself think it through and really feel it — whatever it is — you could come out whole." Axel paused and shook his head, laughing. "I'm sorry that just sounded completely fucking pretentious and stupid. I swear I feel like I'm in a Kafka story right now."

Sora snorted and slumped down against the table, staring at the bubbles in his soda as they traveled to the surface. He sighed. "Well you might be right about some of what you said," he muttered, "but I don't know how to open up, and I don't know how to give in to these surreal feelings. It doesn't matter what I want, because something in my subconscious is fighting it. But the fact that I'm even able to dance around the subject with you is pretty amazing." He looked into Axel's eyes and nodded a bit, smiling at the sincerity of the redhead's concerned expression. "I've never even gotten this close."

They both continued to stare at each other for a moment before moving on, lightening the mood as they talked about what they were going to do next and wolfed down their food. Still, Sora could tell it was hanging between them as they wandered to his usual bar and began drinking in earnest. It perturbed him enough that he decided not to try to hustle anyone. Despite that, there was a pointed feel of danger in the biker bar that Sora was not prepared for. It was the same feeling he'd gotten from his previous target — the one whose wrist he'd broken. He didn't say anything, but he could tell Axel was starting to take note of it as well, though he was sloshed beyond reason. His hazy eyes were narrowed as he stopped mid-sentence and glanced around at the various pairs of eyes locked on the two of them.

"Is it just me," he murmured, leaning towards Sora and turning back towards the bar, "or are we getting fucking mauled to death by a bunch of biker stares?"

Sora snorted to hide his nervousness, but gripped Axel's hand tight soon after, knowing that they needed to leave quickly if they were going to make it out at all that night. And Axel, despite his deepening inebriation, got it immediately, standing without pause. The two of them walked out calmly, stood outside the doors to the bar for a moment to check that they had everything they needed on them, then booked it to Axel's car. Sora started it so quickly he nearly stalled the engine, but neither of them commented on that. They were scared shitless.

White-knuckling it back to the hotel seemed to give them both a moment to calm down, and by the time they were stumbling through the door to room 115 together for a third time, they were able to laugh breathlessly at the intensity of the situation.

"That was friggin terrifying," Axel breathed, flopping onto his back and moaning. "And now I feel too drunk."

Sora rolled his eyes and yanked Axel's shoes off for him, not sure why it seemed so natural to do so, but not questioning it. It was just one of those "Sora and Axel" things, he figured. He snorted at that thought, uncertain when he'd started thinking that way. He didn't know, but he liked it just fine.

'Sora and Axel things,' he thought again, shaking his head and flopping down next to the redhead. 'Maybe one day I'll be able to tell my story after all.' Before he could give that any more thought, Axel was all over him. It was not unexpected or undesired at all, but it turned his mind into a complete blank.

His skin tingled the same way it had that first night, and Axel's gaze was just as heated as it had been the first time they'd locked eyes. Everything was the same, and everything was different.

He breathed out through his nose heavily as Axel pressed a slow kiss to his mouth. He tasted strongly of alcohol, and strongly of Axel. He tasted like fire and whiskey.

Sora breathed him in and gave everything over, reaching down to grope Axel's crotch as he began pawing under his shirt. Axel seemed surprised by Sora's assertiveness, but made no move to protest as Sora rolled him over and straddled his waist. It wouldn't have done any good anyways. The brunet had decided he wanted to be in control, and he would get what he wanted.

With a small smirk, he leaned down and nipped at Axel's lips, teasing a little and breathing in the exhilarating scent of the other man again. Then he shoved his hand down Axel's pants and stopped playing around entirely, panting open-mouthed against another pair of greedy lips as his partner gasped and jolted under him. He felt his chest filling with all of those sensations again, the ones that confused and elated him beyond words, dragging him over the edge.

He felt it even more keenly as he kissed down Axel's body and sucked on him until he came. He reveled in it as Axel shoved his fingers in Sora's mouth and then deep inside of him, returning the favor with a ravenous smile until Sora had released everything. He utterly drowned in it as he settled himself comfortably on top of Axel, moaning "more" over and over at the feeling of Axel inside of him. There was nothing more healing to him than this, nothing more cathartic or thrilling. His whole world was starting to center around this person and this act, the purity of it cleansing him, even if it was just for those two hours they spent desperately seeking each other out.

In the moments after, he felt like he could breathe for the first time in his life without his ribs tightening to crush his heart. He felt alive.

It wasn't until he awoke later that night, gasping and shuddering as he recovered from his nightmare, that he realized that Axel wasn't the answer. Not really. There was still something missing inside of him. And he was left to spend the rest of that long, lonely night pining for whatever it was, the hollow twang in his chest turning him into a choking, sobbing mess as the moon fled the night sky.


	4. Hard Times

**Warning:** Sex, drugs, violence. All the best things. A somber, pretentious atmosphere provided by this girl who thinks she's some kind of writer. Some weirdly gushy bits followed by some attempts at being funny. Song titles as chapter titles, as usual (because I haven't an original bone in my entire body). **TRIGGER WARNING:** rape, psychological abuse, and physical abuse. Please take note. Very important.

**Disclaimer:** I have no imagination, I came up with nothing.

**Title:** Hard Times by Widowspeak

* * *

**Hard Times**

Sora shifted and made a small noise, the scratchy blanket leaving a familiar tingle on his skin as it rubbed here and there. He slid down a bit in his state of early-morning dreamless, sleepless listlessness, his eyes hazy and puffy as they fluttered open a bit to take in the rising sun. The rays seemed more intense than usual, and he could feel an energy beating down on him from elsewhere as he continued to wriggle and adjust. The two coalescing forces brought on an unpleasant itch deep within his skull and he couldn't help but wake up all the way. He squeezed his eyes shut as tight as he could in an attempt to stop it from happening (and to relieve some of the pressure building in his head), kicking off the covers like an irate child and letting out a loud "Ugh."

He heard a chuckle at his side and rolled to face Axel (hogging the significantly softer sheet, as he had the previous two nights as well). The guy was staring at him, and he realized right away that this was one of the primary sources of his discomfort. Seeing as there was little he could do to prevent Axel from doing what he wanted, he moved to fix the other problem in two swift motions, tugging the curtains closed so forcefully they almost derailed, and flopping back down on the bed in a huff.

He said nothing as Axel's hand dragged softly through his hair, the motion diffusing some of the tension building in his brain. The silence went on like that for some time, and Sora nearly fell back to sleep under the gentle caresses. If Axel's stare had been less intense, he might have been able to. Unfortunately, as it was, there was no escaping that pull. It was begging him to stay awake.

He sighed and considered prompting the redhead somehow, but suspected that Axel was the type to come out with things in his own time and his own way.

His prediction soon proved valid. Moments later, the other man rolled over onto his back and began chattering without warning, his hand still petting through Sora's tangles.

"I left home when I was 16," he murmured, obviously opening up a large can of worms with just that small statement. Sora prepared himself for a full-on novella all about Axel's life and was not disappointed. "My old man was beating me and my mom. And I hated them both. I hated her because she manipulated the shit out of me, constantly telling me that she was the only one who loved me and the only one that would _ever_ love me. Telling me that she would protect me and then sitting back and doing nothing as my dad pounded the shit out of me, and then out of her. You know, don't get me wrong here, I understand why it was hard for her. She was obviously mentally ill and needed help, and she loved my dad and didn't want to just walk away from him. Plus, who fucking knew what might happen if she did. He could've killed her just like that." He paused, sighing and resting his hand on his forehead like he was taking his own temperature. Sora recognized it. It was something he did when he was trying to calm down. But he still sounded so frustrated as he continued, and his other hand was slightly rough against Sora's hair. "I'm sure she was constantly at a loss," he said loudly, gesturing at the ceiling, "and I'm sure she snapped under the weight of everything, and I'm sure she was trying so hard to find a safe place for herself in me, and to provide a safe place for me in her. You know, I get all that, I really do, but- It's fucking hard to truly understand and truly forgive someone when they watched you get smacked around and cut up and bruised for 10 years and they never even tried to pull you outta that. She never even tried for me. If not for herself, why not for me? I was her kid, I was even more scared and even more powerless than she was, and she didn't even- didn't even try. I dunno. I'm just trying to wrap my head around that still, I guess." He glanced at Sora and smirked, softening his touch again. "I guess that sounds contradictory, but you know what I mean, right?"

Sora nodded and shimmied forward on his stomach, resting his head against Axel's shoulder with a sigh.

"Understanding something as a concept is one thing," he fumbled, his voice warped by his gravity-induced fish mouth. It was definitely one of the drawbacks of this "cuddling" business. The squished faces and sticky skin and uncomfortable readjusting really put a damper on the whole thing. He grunted as Axel chuckled and pushed himself up like a worm, lifting his head only enough to get out the rest of his thought in a normal voice. "Understanding something as a concept is one thing," he repeated, "and truly accepting it is another. When the time comes, I'm sure you'll feel everything sink in in one grand epiphany, and then roll off of you in the very next moment. And that's how you'll know you're healed." Sora let his shaking body flop back onto the mattress, his head contacting Axel's armpit painfully. They both made a noise at the impact, then chuckled, curling closer together despite the discomfort of their sticking skin.

"I guess you're right," Axel murmured, his hand returning to Sora's hair. "And it's weird, but, having heard that, it's somehow easier to wait for that moment now. I've been stressing about healing myself and stressing about getting over all of this or leaving it behind but that was all wrong. You can't force it, and you can't change the past. It's pretty obvious, I guess, but we humans really try our hardest to fight inevitable truths like that. Especially the ones that are the most painful."

Sora nodded and hummed a little in agreement, his eyes sliding closed. He thought it might be nice sleeping close against Axel's side like that, not least of all because it kept the redhead from staring at him unless he wanted a neck cramp. Thus, he felt himself lulled back into his previous dreams by the sound of Axel's heartbeat and the gentle tug of his hand against his scalp. Fortunately, whatever dreams he'd had after he'd finally fallen asleep again the previous night were _not_ more nightmares, so he was able to sleep like that for some time before waking up in one of the most uncomfortable ways possible. He groaned at how hot he'd gotten pressed against Axel's side, peeling himself off of the other man like a sweaty bandaid. He sighed, then, and slipped out of bed with an unnecessary degree of gentleness; Axel was already waking up himself and scratching down his usual bed head. He followed Sora into the bathroom and smacked him on the ass as he passed to turn on the shower, ignoring the look he was given in response. Sora squeezed some toothpaste from the tube and shook his head with a muttered curse, using Axel's toothbrush without permission, knowing the redhead wouldn't care. He brushed his teeth only cursorily, before forcing Axel to relinquish the shower so that there would be plenty of hot water left for him.

"Why don't we just share?" he whined, clutching at the towel on his waist as Sora shoved him out into the main room and locked the door.

"It's too cramped," Sora shouted, stepping under the stream of steaming water with a smile. "And you'll spend the whole time coming onto me."

Axel snorted but gave no retort, and Sora assumed he must have busied himself with getting dressed and combing out his vicious head of tangles. He assumed this only for a moment, however, because he heard the redhead clear his throat as he stepped out of the shower, and realized that the idiot was still standing right by the door.

"You know," said muffled Axel, his head or some other equally hard part of his body knocking gently against the wall, "I wanna know your story."

Sora paused and stared at himself in the mirror, the expression he was met with giving him a jolt. 'Is that what I look like when I think about it,' he wondered, stretching the skin on his face with one hand. 'Even after all this time?' He shook his head and looked at the door, mentally replacing its bare flatness with Axel's body.

"Axel, we've been over this," he called, feeling queasy as he remembered his nightmare and the hours he'd spent sobbing in the dark. "Why don't we save that topic for a better time?" He waited a moment for some sort of response, then, when it seemed there was none forthcoming, grabbed a towel, covering the important bits with it as he joined Axel in the other room. He brushed past the guy without a second glance, riffling through his scant belongings with swift efficiency and throwing on his clothing with the same indifference. He turned to face his sort-of-lover as soon as he'd finished and balked at the pointed stare being leveled at him.

"What?" he asked, crossing his arms.

"Just you," Axel grunted. "You're avoiding me."

"We've known each other three days."

"Yeah, and I think we've established with some degree of consensus here that there's something weird between us."

"That doesn't mean I'm going to suddenly be some- I dunno. Open book."

"I told you some pretty personal shit-"

"Yeah, of your own volition," Sora interrupted, flopping onto the untouched bed to sit and recrossing his arms. "I never tried to force, or coerce, or guilt, or even question that information out of you. You gave me that. And now I'm starting to suspect you said all that just to get me to spill my guts to you."

"Are you serious? I opened up to you because I trust you, and because we agreed that there's-" Axel pointed back and forth between them rapidly and sighed, giving Sora another pointed look. "That there's some reason we're here like this. Or something."

"I don't believe in fate or destiny or serendipity or whatever you want to call it," Sora said, fixing Axel with a blank stare. "So while I agree that, yes, there's something here, it's not something with a set plan. It's not being orchestrated, and we're not being Pinocchio'd around. We make the choices we want to make, and we go at a pace that's comfortable for each of us, and we don't script this shit like it's the fucking Notebook or something. Whatever it leads to is what we bring about, and trying to force me to tell you things I'm not ready to even say out loud, let alone share with another person, is only going to bring about the end of this."

Axel met his glare with an incredulous pair of eyes and an open mouth. He seemed to pause and consider everything that had been said, gaze wandering to the side as though seeking out some response, but he found none. He paused, he considered, and then he deigned to disregard it all, instead setting about making himself presentable before the night's nonsense. He completely avoided Sora throughout all of it, putting on his clothes and yanking a comb through his hair without a single word. And Sora, for his part, made no effort to change the situation. He knew Axel was just pouting and didn't want to reinforce the behavior by giving in and starting up conversation first. However, it was fairly awkward to just sit in silence, so he wandered outside before it could grow any more tense, walking towards Joann's bar with purpose. But despite this show of gumption, he could rouse no interest in making money when he reached his destination, instead opting to drink and wallow.

'This isn't like me,' he thought, drifting back to reality yet again. 'I'm pissed off because of someone else, and I'm drinking because of someone else, and I'm actually thinking about someone else. How pathetic.' He scoffed at his internal dialogue as he finished off his drink and glanced around, noting that the usual clientele seemed to be in attendance. In fact, there was more than one familiar face in the mix, and that worried him. He was starting to get that same feeling — the one he'd had the night before. It felt like a gathering storm. 'What if they all caught on and now they're getting friendly,' he thought, eyeing his glass. 'They might just gang up on me and I don't know how many I can handle on my own.' He glanced around again, desperately looking for Axel just in case. He had yet to show up, and Sora began to worry that his number really was up. 'He's not gonna show. He's so pissed at me. I'm gonna get beaten to death and the last thing I did was piss off the only person I've ever been even moderately close to. And all because I can't open up. All because I'm terrified of trusting someone else-'

A hand flopped onto his shoulder just as he was growing frantic, effectively ending his rambling, paranoid train of thought. He'd never been so scattered in his life, and it was having an impact on his reflexes. He knew this to be the case because he normally would have been on his feet in a flash, and instead he just sat. Hunkered down on his barstool, his body stock-still. He glanced up with a wince, expecting it to be one of the bikers he'd swindled, ready to smash a shot glass with his face. A surge of relief flooded his body as the ever-tangled red mane of his only almost-lover filled his vision, the owner of that mane giving him an uncharacteristically stern look.

"Sora," he murmured, glancing around, "I heard them muttering about you over there." He jerked his head in the direction of a few bikers. "Sounds like trouble."

Sora nodded and stood as steadily as he could. For a moment, he thought this might be the last time he could come to the bar, and he winced, pausing and reaching over the bar to grab his box. Joann watched him do this and made a resigned face, nodding once at him with a tender expression. He returned it and mouthed a thank you at her before turning and moving towards the exit, trying not to attract too much attention.

He let Axel lead him out with one hand on his lower back, his eyes fixed straight ahead and his hands trembling. And he knew it then: they really were in danger. Normally, he would have been resigned to the thought, but it was becoming the usual drill with Axel for things to change. He was worried. Not just for Axel, either, but for himself. 'Well I will give that a good long think later,' he told himself, slipping around to the side of the building as soon as he was outside. He and Axel looked at each other for just a second before breaking into a sprint, keeping pace with each other until they reached the motel room.

"They definitely know where we are," Axel panted, shoving his meager belongings into a bag and tossing it down by the door. "And they'll follow us once they see we've made a break for it. Grab your stuff and go to the car and start it while I check out. If they come, drive to the gas station five miles north and wait for me. You can outrun them if you go as fast as possible and park somewhere hidden."

"Axel, I'm not gonna just leave you to deal with-!" The redhead shut him up by shoving his keys into his hands and squeezing them, his eyes completely focused.

"Look, they're not after me, but they will fucking kill you. So listen."

Before Sora could argue, Axel ducked out the door with the room keys, jogging to the main office and disappearing inside. Sora jiggled his leg and made a frustrated noise, contemplating calling the police for a second before shaking his head and gathering up what little he had scattered around the room. He grabbed Axel's bag once he was done and rushed out to the car, unlocking it and tossing everything in the back seat. He started it fumblingly and shifted over to the passenger seat as quickly as he could without hurting himself, his heart sending tremors through his ribs with each frenzied pump. He glanced around while trying his best not to dwell on the situation, his temples throbbing in time with his heartbeats. 'God, how did I get so careless?' he wondered, knowing the answer already. He couldn't really blame Axel since it was pretty much a given that he would get his comeuppance for all the hustling and cheating at some point or other, but it was a direct result of Axel being in his life that it was happening now. And perhaps more troubling was that Sora was actually bothered by it. He'd thought that when the day finally came he would take it on with a malicious grin, fucking up as many bikers as he could take before going down. Possibly dying. None of that used to disturb him, but he was almost in tears now as he considered what might happen if he was caught. He relaxed himself by redirecting his thoughts, telling himself calming uncertainties. 'They're not here yet. We're gonna be fine. Axel will be out any minute, and we're gonna get out of here.' Right as he thought this, the redhead came bursting out of the motel office with a worried expression, his eyes darting around. After noting that the coast was clear, his features softened and he moved towards the car, opening the driver's side door and getting in with a sigh.

He looked at Sora and they both paused for a moment, staring as they let the relief settle in. They both smiled and slumped forward, all of the hectic energy draining from their bodies.

"I guess we were a bit overly worried, after all," Axel muttered, slumping against the wheel.

Sora reached out to grip his hand for reassurance, falling back against his seat with a liberated grin. They stared at each other from their respective positions for a long moment, suddenly aware of how strange everything that had happened to them was all over again. Sora decided not to overthink anything for the time being and enjoyed the experience as it was, allowing the mood to carry him as Axel leaned in and kissed him. It was different than the other kisses they'd shared, much as the theme seemed to dictate with the two of them. It was soft and slow and painfully sweet, almost teasing. Sora pressed into it more and licked Axel's lips before drawing back, looking into his eyes with a searching gaze.

"I-" Sora was cut off before he could really start, the loud growl of a motorcycle drowning out his next word and causing him to whip around and grow silent before he could utter a third. There was a good deal of yelling going on amongst the group approaching, but he could barely make out any of the words. He knew they weren't saying anything good. They looked like they were out for blood, and Sora recognized every single person on the bikes. All he could do was shrink back and stare as six or seven of them rode up to them swinging chains and screaming curses.

Fortunately, Axel was not so easily distracted and had already put the car in gear, stomping on the gas pedal and speeding away even as the bikers swooped in behind them. It wasn't a real chase, and the two boys knew it. They knew that once they'd gone far enough, the bikers would have no reason to keep it up. It wouldn't be worth it anymore. Still, Sora felt nauseous and on edge for the entirety of their not-so-hot pursuit. He watched through the rearview with darting glances, clicking his teeth together to provide himself some outlet for his energy. 'It's a good thing we're so much faster than them,' he thought, thanking the universe for Axel's car. 'They'd smash up the windows in a second if they could reach us.'

He glanced up at the rearview again and finally saw the straggling group veer off and stop entirely. He waited until he knew that they'd been left several miles in the dust to allow himself to feel relieved, sliding down in the seat and covering his face with his hands. He laughed from behind the cover they provided, feeling awful. "That's new," he muttered, glancing at Axel. 'This is the first time I've ever wanted to protect someone.'

Axel drove on, oblivious to his thoughts. The silence stretched for hours, and darkness settled over them like a blanket as the sun finally plunged below the horizon. Sora liked the sunsets in the desert, and he liked the night air even more. Despite how harsh the scenery often seemed, it was beautiful with the pastel sky looming above it, the colors bending with the sun's final rays and stretching over the landscape of dry earth and scraggly plants like the fingers of god. And when the light dipped below the edge of the world, the stars came to life and the moon uncloaked itself entirely, revealing how bright its face could be. Sora smiled as he stared up at it through the open window, closing his eyes and letting the always-surprising chill of the night comfort him. After a few moments like this, he jumped as a hand landed on his, squeezing his fingers and reminding him how comforting warmth could be. And the warmth of Axel's skin was truly something else.


	5. Ride

**Warning:** Sex, drugs, violence. All the best things. A somber, pretentious atmosphere provided by this girl who thinks she's some kind of writer. Some weirdly gushy bits followed by some attempts at being funny. Song titles as chapter titles, as usual (because I haven't an original bone in my entire body). **TRIGGER WARNING:** rape, psychological abuse, and physical abuse. Please take note. Very important.

**Disclaimer:** I have no imagination, I came up with nothing.

**Title:** Ride by Lana Del Rey

* * *

**Ride**

"Where do you wanna go?" Axel asked, leaning over to steal a sip of Sora's drink before the brunet could get it out of his reach. He grinned at the scowl he was met with and bit the fry in the kid's other hand in half while he was at it.

"My god you are annoying," Sora grumbled, shoving Axel's face away and staring dismally at his decimated fry. He put the rest of it into his mouth and stared out the window, chewing until nothing but mush remained in his mouth. "You don't have to go with me, you know," he said, turning back to Axel, finally, and swallowing the paste on his tongue. "I don't want to make you be my ride or make you do anything you don't wanna do."

"You know what I'm going to say in response to that already, don't you?" The redhead grinned and took a large bite out of the cheeseburger he was holding.

Sora rolled his eyes and nodded, going over the whole 'we have something weird between us yadda yadda' spiel in his mind. "In all seriousness, though," he murmured, holding out his drink for Axel to take another sip, "do you really not mind? I mean, you didn't want to stay in Vegas?"

Axel shrugged and leaned back in his seat, eyeing Sora. "I don't really care where I am, to be honest," he said. "And I think if I need a reason to be anywhere, it may as well be you."

A heavy silence fell over them at that admission, each taking in the significance of that statement in their own time, with their own mixture of emotions. Sora didn't think Axel had thought the assertion through before he'd said it, because it seemed to dawn on the redhead just how intense that sounded only well after the fact. He watched as the lanky guy grew steadily more thoughtful, wondering if he should be worried about the genuine attachment developing between them, and the speed with which it was forming. He decided, for the thousandth time in the past three days, not to overthink it anymore. Instead, he acted on instinct, and his instinct told him to kiss Axel. He could taste the fast food and the cigarettes and even a vague hint of bubblegum on his tongue, but underneath that he was starting to recognize something else even more keenly than before. It was the taste of Axel himself, and it was just as disturbingly pleasant to Sora as it had been during their third night together; his nerves tingled in excitement each time he registered that flavor. He huffed a quick breath against Axel's mouth after a moment, then pressed back in despite himself, intensifying the warm involvement of their tongues without warning. Axel made a small "mmm" noise and mumbled unintelligibly against Sora's lips as they continued to attack each other, their kisses slow but still greedy.

Finally, after what seemed like ages, Axel yanked Sora back by the hair gently, still kissing him despite that motion. "If we keep doing this I'm going to have to fuck you in the backseat," he grunted, pressing in for one final kiss.

Sora laughed and nuzzled Axel's neck. "Awww, someone can't even handle a little making out?" he teased, blowing into the redhead's ear.

"You're seriously toeing the line here," Axel grumbled, shuddering at the little kisses Sora began trailing down his neck. "If I get hard I'm gonna be pissed."

With a roll of his eyes, Sora finally pulled away, popping a fry into his mouth and grinning over at his partner as he chewed. Axel narrowed his eyes as he took another bite of his burger, muttering something about Sora being an asshole.

Time seemed to wear on in montage after that. A montage of bright sunlight filtered through Axel's filthy windshield, trivial conversation and cheap laughs, and Axel smiling at him with heart-melting warmth in his eyes. Sora felt like he could go anywhere, and it was fine, and that was a terrifying, yet exhilarating feeling. Truly, he was running out of patience, thinking about all the new experiences he was having. At some point, he stopped worrying about it, and realized that with each little twinge of his heart, every emotion and sensation, every exchanged look and gentle smile, he was experiencing innumerable new things at any given moment. There was really no keeping track.

Eventually, he made a decision about their next destination, and felt no guilt about allowing himself Axel's presence. They drove in a whole new direction, taking every scenic road they could find and stopping at dive bars for some quick "temp work" (as they took to calling it) here and there. Axel bought cigarettes and cheap booze, and Sora stashed what money they had left over with the rest, saving for when they might really need it. They drove for a few hours, then stopped over to spend a decent night sleeping in a cheap hotel room. They expected to move on quickly and reach their final destination the next day, but it felt so unnecessary to rush when they were together in that room. They spent several days holed up, instead, just feeling each other in the deepest way possible.

Sora sought it just as hungrily as Axel, though he would never admit it. He still felt just as full and free and alive as he had that night he'd realized he was missing something, and he became addicted to having sex with the redhead. It was like a ritual, a prayer, and a desperate plea for redemption all at once. And, at the same time, it just felt fucking amazing.

He never got over that tingling sensation, he never stopped craving Axel's scent or taste or feel.

And in the moments they spent in between, he grew to understand that Axel was incredibly gentle and kind and shockingly naive. He learned that Axel's favorite color was blue and his favorite book was, strangely enough, _Things Fall Apart_. He learned that Axel wasn't really addicted to smoking but did it to look cool. (And after admitting this, he agreed to quit). He learned that Axel was half a year older than him (born October 3rd) and that he had memorized the lyrics to every Zeppelin song in the fifth grade. He learned that Axel cried silently and always combed back his hair with his left hand when he was really frustrated. He learned what Axel looked like when he was tired, angry, depressed, mopey, elated, impressed, insouciant, and everything in between. He learned that Axel was easy to love, and with that realization, he learned what real fear was.

He thought about this over breakfast one morning, just as they decided to finally leave for Reno. 'I'm falling in love with him,' he thought, staring at the redhead in awe. 'Genuinely, I have begun to love him, or at least care about him. A lot. A lot more than I care about myself.'

But something felt wrong as he admitted this silently to his powdered eggs. He felt disjointed and unsettled, and his mind dragged him back to that night again. That night when he'd sat up alone, sobbing and wondering what he needed to be whole. It still wasn't Axel. He realized this with a great jolt, still staring, still thinking about how he was falling for this man who had been nothing more than a mysterious stranger only a week prior. He realized Axel couldn't "fix" him, and that loving Axel wasn't going to "save" him. There was something fundamentally wrong that would not stop until he figured out what it was and what to do about it.

Despite knowing all of this, he couldn't find it in himself to leave Axel's side. He contemplated it only for a moment before shuddering and completely rejecting the idea. Because as much as he knew he couldn't fill the hole inside himself with Axel, he also knew it would be so much harder to figure out what he needed if he was on his own. He didn't want to use Axel as a crutch, but he couldn't help wanting to be next to him.

Therein lay the dilemma he faced in the following days as they reached Reno and found the cheapest room possible, using Axel's dubious credit card to cover it and crashing into the bed.

"You'd think we'd be tired of doing this by now," Axel panted, stripping off Sora's shirt with a half-grin and impatient hands.

Sora just rolled his eyes and devoured the redhead's tongue, falling onto his back as Axel gently pushed at him and crawled between his legs. They were both a bit tipsy after pulling on Axel's flask of whiskey as they entered the hotel, so it came as no surprise that their libidos were piqued as soon as they were alone. Axel moaned at the way Sora was sucking on his tongue, and the brunet grew bolder. He could feel his lower body straining for attention, and the sounds the redhead was making were inciting him more than ever. He rolled his hips up and squeezed Axel close, grinding against him.

"Fuck me," he panted. "Fuck me, please. Right now. Seriously."

They both chuckled into their breathless kiss, stripping down faster than either thought possible and absorbing each other right away. And when Sora'd said "right now" he'd meant it. They didn't really prep going into it — a scant amount of lube serving as the only measure taken by either of them. Though it was painful, Sora found himself enjoying it soon enough. Even the initial pain was pleasurable, in its own way. He clutched at the back of Axel's neck and inhaled his scent hard as he bit into his pulse point. And the redhead squirmed and made a noise but never stopped, knowing exactly what his partner wanted.

Sora stared at the ceiling and tried to count the stars dancing in his eyes as his body jerked and moved towards the headboard with each rough thrust. He shoved his tongue into the taller man's mouth when he felt he was getting closer, signaling for him to go faster. He stroked himself hard and scratched at Axel's back as he came. He watched with hooded eyes as the redhead did the same, his orgasm that much more intense for the show.

"I wanna watch you come again," Axel murmured, kissing Sora slowly and rubbing his tongue against the roof of his mouth. He took another mouthful of alcohol from his flask and shared it with the brunet with a grin, touching his tanned skin all over. He kept that smile as he kissed down the smaller boy's body, and they spent the rest of the night rediscovering each other.

For the moment, Sora's worries were quelled.


	6. On and On

**Warning:** Sex, drugs, violence. All the best things. A somber, pretentious atmosphere provided by this girl who thinks she's some kind of writer. Some weirdly gushy bits followed by some attempts at being funny. Song titles as chapter titles, as usual (because I haven't an original bone in my entire body). **TRIGGER WARNING:** rape, psychological abuse, and physical abuse. Please take note. Very important.

**Disclaimer:** I have no imagination, I came up with nothing.

**Title:** On and On by Erykah Badu

* * *

**On and On**

'Well this probably isn't good.'

As he thought this, Sora paced to the other side of the table, pretending to line up a shot as he surveyed the men in his vicinity. They were already looking at him warily. They were already catching on.

'Why is this so much fucking harder here?' he wondered, frustrated. In fact, he was so frustrated, that he genuinely missed a shot, something he hadn't done since he was 14. He frowned in honest disappointment, noting the way his opponent smirked and began knocking in ball after ball. 'He's probably some kind of swindling asshole too.'

Fortunately, this other swindling asshole wasn't very good at his game and missed a crucial shot, allowing Sora to narrowly come out on top. With a nervous chuckle, he took the money from the table and waited for a possible yelling match, glancing to where Axel was pretending to flirt with a waitress to make sure he was paying attention. The redhead stretched backwards and gave a quick wink, barely flashing the small blade up his sleeve so that Sora would know he was ready.

As it turned out, nothing happened. The other guy just shrugged and walked away, muttering a quick "good game, buddy" before hunkering down with some bleach blonde in a too-tight dress. He watched them console each other and almost laughed, wondering if that's how he and Axel would look to other people if they flirted with each other in public.

He looked back at his partner and smiled, walking over to take the bar stool next to him as he mentally counted the money he'd saved up so far. 'It's a lot,' he thought, letting his chin drop onto his fist, 'probably more than I need, really. Why do I keep doing this?' He stared at the new stack of bills in his hand, contemplating that for just a moment longer before shrugging and shoving it deep into his pocket. 'I've been doing this for 6 years already.'

"I guess I just don't know what else to do," he said aloud, turning to Axel and stealing a sip of his drink.

Axel laughed. "Are you finishing a thought process out loud again, or is that your way of starting a new conversation topic?"

"Well, technically it can be both, right? I'm only openly bringing it up at this moment, so- Anyways. I wanna know your thoughts on this. Why do I keep doing this?"

Axel shrugged and gave him a look that said 'I have no fucking clue,' idly gulping down what remained of his beer. Then, after a moment of staring at his thumbs, he seemed to find the answer floating in his nail beds and looked Sora hard in the eye, turning very serious.

"I think running on autopilot keeps you from thinking about what happened to you."

The brunet paused at that, a wave of nausea pulsing through him, giving way to an unsteady heartbeat and clammy hands. There was nothing he could do, then. He was having a panic attack. 'Again?' he thought, trying his best to stop himself before he began hyperventilating. Axel took one look at him and stood up, throwing a bill on the counter and grabbing Sora by the elbow gently to steer him outside.

He led the smaller boy to his car and settled him in the passenger's side before driving the 8 miles to their hotel, never stopping and never saying a word. Sora just sat with clenched fists and gritted teeth, rubbing away his endless stream of tears, his body seemingly trying to rip itself apart from the inside. He couldn't stop it from happening, he was losing control. His vision started flickering as the hyperventilation intensified. He was almost relieved at the thought that he might pass out. At least he wouldn't feel it anymore. At least he wouldn't have to experience this new pain.

Axel, on the other hand, kept his composure all the way to their room, only changing things up once they were alone. He laid with the brunet in their bed, rubbing down his back. He'd learned not to try to restrain Sora too much after the first few attacks because that seemed to make his anxiety worse, so he kept his touches as gentle as possible, lightly tracing his fingers over the boy's skin here and there.

"I'm here," he whispered, repeating those words as many times as necessary until Sora's breathing evened out and the tears stopped. They both lay in silence for some time after that, making sure that it wouldn't start up again.

Finally, after half an hour, Sora felt the need to stand up and stretch. He watched Axel as he did this, wondering what the redhead was thinking. He felt guilty being coddled by him all the time, especially with the addition of this new problem.

"I'm sorry," he murmured, casting his gaze towards the carpet in shame. "You keep having to take care of me-"

"Sora, don't apologize for something like that," Axel responded, giving him a gentle smile and beckoning for him again. Once they were securely pressed together, Axel sighed and kissed him a few times, messing with his ear. "It's not your fault. So don't apologize," he said, kissing all over his face.

Sora closed his eyes. "It's scary when you treat me so well," he grumbled, smiling and biting Axel's lip. "Maybe someday I can return the favor."

"You already give me what I need," the redhead scoffed. "But you know what I'm waiting for."

At that, the brunet didn't feel like cuddling anymore. He slid away from Axel without a word and stood, knowing where the conversation was going. In just a fraction of a second, the whole atmosphere of the room changed.

"Don't bring this up again."

"You're not being fair," Axel insisted.

"Oh my god, you're such a broken record," he scoffed. "I don't have to be _fair_ by your standards."

"But it would help if you would be open with me."

"I don't have to though! And I don't want to be forced. Why the fuck do you think I started having anxiety attacks all the goddamn time, Axel!? This never happened before I started spending all of my time with you-!"

"Well I'm not trying to force you, I just want to help!"

Sora let out a bitter laugh, shaking his head and staring at the wall. "This conversation never goes anywhere, really," he muttered, still laughing. There were tears in his eyes, but he made no effort to wipe them away. He didn't care. He wanted Axel to know he was hurt. "You go around in circles, telling me the same thing every time. 'It's not fair. I want to help. I'm not trying to force you but you should just tell me even though you're obviously not ready.' This isn't helping, Axel, it's making it worse. Every time you pressure me, it makes it that much harder for me to prepare myself to tell you."

The redhead remained silent, clenching and unclenching his fists as he stared at Sora. They faced off like this for quite a stretch before the brunet had finally had enough. He sighed and walked to the bathroom without a word, getting in the shower and sitting in the tub to cry and bury his face in his knees. He hadn't wept so much or so often in his entire life, not even when he was a child. During his years in Vegas, it had come in short bursts, like a tiny storm, and then he would be drained again, but this wasn't the case with Axel. Everything became a deep wound, every emotion was intensified, and there was no escaping from all of the things swirling around inside of his head. His past was coming up to bite him more and more, and his skeletons were laughing and dancing around him, taunting. It was almost comical. Sora laughed.

The darkness inside of him had been magnified, he realized. Before Axel, it had been a distant thing, small and dense and filled with mystery. But the longer he spent with someone who cared about him and whom he cared about, the closer it all loomed. That little darkness had become an infinite maw, ready to swallow him with gnashing teeth at any moment. He didn't want to be engulfed and lose himself, not after he'd finally found something to hold onto. He breathed out and calmed down with those thoughts, standing on shaky legs and turning off the water. He left the bathroom still feeling raw and unhappy, but it was easier to face Axel with what resolve he'd managed to find.

The redhead was still sitting on the bed when he came out, drinking from his flask and staring at the wall. He looked up at Sora and waited, looking like a chastised dog.

With a sigh, the smaller man wandered over to him and took the flask out his hand, carefully setting it down before straddling him and pressing their lips together. He combed his hands through Axel's unruly mane as he kissed him, laughing as the redhead failed to stretch up far enough and whined at the interruption in contact.

"I'm sorry I keep pestering you," Axel murmured, running his hands down Sora's back, still slick with water from the shower. He paused at the edge of the towel around the smaller man's waist and smiled sheepishly. "Do you forgive me?"

Sora nodded and unbuttoned Axel's pants, stroking for a moment before allowing his partner to pin him against the bed. After fighting, the kisses were always too hot, scorching Sora's skin in each and every place. It was the same with the way Axel's hands slid over him; it was too much. He became overstimulated so quickly he climaxed with almost no effort. It was so easy, after that, for Axel to prepare him. His body was already completely engrossed, it accepted everything.

He was so limp and drained and relaxed by the time Axel entered him that he couldn't help but cling on tightly and press against the other man everywhere. He couldn't stop himself from slowing the redhead and taking over at a languorous pace, rolling his hips unhurriedly and watching as the other man gulped and shuddered underneath him. He was obviously dying to thrust up into him to drive away the frustration, but he was definitely enjoying the teasing and the intoxication of Sora's pace.

They both became so lost, it ended rather quickly. They'd long since moved past the stage of feeling embarrassed, and enjoyed the moments following in a comforting silence, each in their own world.

It was so calm they both slipped to sleep without warning and awoke feeling refreshed for the first time in ages.

They smiled and flirted with each other all morning, and Sora thought that maybe things would be settled for awhile. Maybe it had finally clicked with Axel that if he just let things be, he would naturally come around to revealing himself. Maybe Axel was finally going to let him breathe.

He thought this the entire day, in a blissful haze, until Axel got drunk at the bar they'd been frequenting.

They'd taken to fumbling around with two man hustles, and it worked for them, because they'd reinforce the idea that they were just two drunk idiots goading each other on. It was all a show, usually. They'd make a big deal like they were lightweights and pound down four or five beers before challenging someone with loud voices and too much bravado. Axel would slur and shove Sora forward and they would play it up just enough to get everyone believing they were in for an easy win. Of course, they couldn't do this too many times in a row for fear of running into the same people, but unlike Joann's, the place they'd taken to hitting up every night in Reno had no regulars and was mostly full of the odd passing group of bikers. It was perfect.

And then, that night, Axel got utterly sloshed. Sora decided not to drink and instead sipped at ginger ale or water as he sat, but Axel was keeping his usual pace. And it wasn't with just beer. He'd had 7 glasses of whiskey by the time Sora felt up to hustling someone. But before he could stand, Axel grabbed his arm and leaned towards him with a serious expression.

"Don't do it tonight, just stop. We can go back to the hotel."

Sora furrowed his brow and glanced around, wondering if people had taken notice of their closeness. It obviously wasn't normal, and it was harder for Sora to be openly homosexual in a place where he didn't feel somewhat protected by his status as a prostitute. It made him feel edgy and vulnerable. He shook Axel off and gave him a curious look, shaking his head.

"Look," Axel sighed, slumping against the bar and draining his cup once more, "you don't have to do this. Maybe once you stop, it'll make things easier."

"You're being too vague," Sora said flatly, suspicious that it was going to come up again.

"Once you're not running on autopilot anymore you can organize your thoughts, and then you can tell me everything. It'll be faster if you just stop now-"

"I'm fucking done with you," Sora snapped, standing and walking away before the conversation could continue. 'God dammit,' he thought, clenching his fist hard, 'it was a mistake to think he'd learned something.'

Feeling his level of frustration rising, Sora picked a group of guys he normally wouldn't target to hustle. They looked like the rowdy, macho, hot-blooded type — certain to start a fight. He was itching for the challenge. He eyed them calmly as they took him in and chuckled to each other.

"You want a game, kid?" one of them asked.

Sora just nodded and slammed two bills onto the table. "This is my bet."

The guy laughed and shrugged, offering up two of his own and adding them to Sora's. "That's cute."

Sora ignored them, saving his ire for later. He smiled grimly as the other man smirked with unfounded confidence, and he played. For once, it wasn't an actual hustle, it was just a competitive game. They'd underestimated him all on their own, and he'd done nothing but exude confidence. He felt honest for the first time in his life. And he won, as usual. He collected and waited for anger, violence, anything. Instead, the bigger guy just seemed piqued. He grabbed Sora's wrist and said they should play again, offering up another four hundred to match what Sora had won in the original bet, and they racked up again.

This time, the guy played smarter, and took note of something important: Axel. He saw Sora glancing at him occasionally, and started making pointed comments to throw the smaller man off of his game. And much to Sora's chagrin, it worked. It didn't even take much to screw him up, just some minor teasing, but that was it. Sora lost. He handed over the money, waited for the guy to pocket it, and then smiled as he closed his eyes and held out a hand.

"Good game," he said, waiting to shake the guy's hand.

And before he'd really given it thought, he felt something snap in his palm. He opened his eyes to take in the grossly misshapen finger before him, smiling in satisfaction. And he was only getting started. Laughing, he grabbed a pool ball and bashed the biker on his left cheek, sending him immediately to the floor. It happened so quickly that his friends couldn't even react, and the rest of the bar was still barely catching up. In the meantime, Sora tossed the bloody ball away and took out two of his buddies as they came at him. They were both shocked that someone so small could dole out so much damage, and ended up on the floor with their burly friend for their presumption.

But just as Sora was laughingly kneeing the last guy in the gut and shattering his cheekbone, he felt a pair of arms come around his waist and a familiar voice growl in his ear: "We need to go."

Sora took a moment to cool down, then, and glanced around. Everyone in the bar was quietly watching, looking terrified, and the owner was reaching for a phone, staring at he and Axel with trembling hands.

Sora glared at him and elbowed Axel away, heading for the exit without a single glance back. The redhead followed doggedly on his heels, shoving his keys into Sora's palm and eyeing him from his side.

"Sora-"

"Don't speak to me right now," Sora snapped, shoving him towards the car hard enough to send him stumbling. Before Axel could get angry, Sora started the engine and turned the radio on full blast, ignoring the other man's attempts to turn it down until they'd reached the hotel.

They checked out in much the same way as they'd left Vegas, shoving everything into their bags and heading out the door without looking back. They drove off silently until Axel asked Sora where they were going. At that he finally looked his partner in the eye and stopped the car, not sure what he wanted.

He didn't even know if he wanted to be with Axel anymore at that moment, though the thought of parting made his whole body ache. He stared at the other man and decided he'd let him choose this time. He couldn't be trusted with such things in his state.

Axel suggested gently that they should head towards Portland, and Sora didn't question it. He just drove.

After a few silent minutes on the highway, Axel finally brought up what had happened, obviously nervous about what Sora might do in response.

"I guess this is a stupid question," he muttered, scratching the back of his head as he eyed Sora, "but are you pissed at me?"

"Yes," Sora said curtly, gripping the steering wheel tighter.

"Explain to me why."

"You keep fucking trying to get into my head and I've made it damn clear that I don't want you in my head," Sora snapped, pounding on the dashboard in frustration. "I've explained this so many goddamn times. What the fuck do you want Axel? What!?"

"I want you to talk to me, like I did with you-"

"We've been over that! We've been over it so many times!"

"But I want to have a real relationship with you."

Sora shut his mouth with a snap, thinking that over with narrowed eyes. 'That's not fair. That's not fair at all, saying that to me,' he thought, sighing.

"Well I don't know what I want."

"Great."

They both went silent once more, each staring through the windshield with wide eyes. After some time, Sora spoke again, his voice trembling as the tears set in. 'Always crying,' he thought mirthlessly, gritting his teeth.

"You know, maybe I do know," he said, looking at Axel. "Maybe I want that too, but I don't know what the fuck to say, Axel. Maybe there's too much and it's too hard, and the more you pressure the harder it feels and the less secure I feel. If I have the space, and the freedom, and the fucking compassion to open up, then it will happen, but with you prodding like I'm some mental case you're horribly fascinated by, it just feels like I'm being forced into it. I want to start to tell you. I want a clean slate, but it's so- it doesn't feel right like this. I want it to be natural. It won't be real, otherwise."

"I think you're making excuses," Axel said, ignoring Sora's hurt look as he cut him off. "I think you're making it harder for yourself and blaming it on me. The more I try to get you to open up, the more you shut yourself in because, the truth is, you don't want to talk about it. You don't want to take the chance of living a normal life, or being happy, or even just being okay. You don't know how to open up because you just want to wallow. It's easier that way because wallowing is so goddamn familiar for you. It's all you have. Like I said, you're on autopilot, and it's terrifying to you that if you let go and let me help you, you'll change. Everything will change. You're a coward."

Sora slammed his foot on the brakes, then, and veered off the road to a chorus of car horns and passing headlights. He shut the engine off and threw the keys at Axel's crotch with deliberate force, ejecting himself from the car with and yanking his belongings with him.

Axel followed as he stomped away down the road. "Don't do this," he called, jogging to catch up to him. "Don't run away, Sora. You're only angry because I'm right-"

"I'm angry because you're a fucking asshole!" Sora yelled, turning and dropping his bag. "I'm angry because you don't know how hard this is for me." His tears were a deluge now, cutting down his face faster and faster. He dropped to his knees and sobbed into his hands, trying to yell more but unable to get anything coherent out until he raised his head. "You have no idea what happened to me," he cried, not fighting anymore as Axel pulled him close and petted down his hair. "You don't understand how hard it is. I don't want to think about it, Axel. I don't want to talk about it because I don't want to think about it. I don't want to live like this with all of these memories hitting me over and over. You're the only thing that's ever made me happy but you're also making everything so much worse. I'd rather be dead than feel like this."

"Don't ever say that to me," Axel grunted, pushing him back by the shoulders and staring with furrowed brows. "Don't ever give up completely. For fuck's sake, Sora, please. Stay with me. I'll leave it alone, I'll be patient even though it's hard, just stay. If this is what happens when I push you, it's really time to stop. I don't ever want to see you so upset again, so I'll leave it. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You told me to leave it but I- I'm sorry."

"Shut up," Sora sobbed, squeezing Axel closer and biting his collarbone hard. "Stop fucking talking and stop saying you'll stop and stop telling me you're sorry. It's all a lie. Every time. We've had this fight too many times."

"But this is different," Axel insisted, pulling him to his feet and grabbing his bag. "It's never been this bad. I'm sorry. I really am."

"Just shut up," Sora said again, shaking his head and weeping into his hands as he let himself be led back to the car. Axel was still too drunk to drive, so they laid in the back seat until Sora was sufficiently calm. Then they kissed almost angrily for a few minutes before getting back on the road. As they drove, they played Axel's tapes, but didn't speak. And the hush of the car was as pregnant as the abyss now flooding Sora's heart.


	7. Apply Some Pressure

**Warning:** Sex, drugs, violence. All the best things. A somber, pretentious atmosphere provided by this girl who thinks she's some kind of writer. Some weirdly gushy bits followed by some attempts at being funny. Song titles as chapter titles, as usual (because I haven't an original bone in my entire body). **TRIGGER WARNING:** rape, psychological abuse, and physical abuse. Please take note. Very important.

**Disclaimer:** I have no imagination, I came up with nothing.

**Title:** Apply Some Pressure by Maxïmo Park

* * *

**Apply Some Pressure**

After 4 hours of driving, Sora began fading out, so Axel insisted that they stop. It was just as well, because they were both feeling immensely awkward after their fight. Things weren't necessarily tense between them, but their feelings weren't clicking back into place either.

So they stopped over at a hotel and slept the day away, waking up for dinner at a cafe down the street. They didn't talk much during the meal, and barely looked at each other, though Axel gently petted his hand at one point. Other than that brief contact, however, it seemed they were doomed to be lost each in their own world.

Sora didn't want to feel guilty, and he didn't want to blame Axel either, so he observed his sudden wariness towards the redhead from afar, trying to figure out how to dispel it without lashing out. He drew on the intimacy and tenderness he still felt for the other man and considered how strong those feelings had been from the very start. 'They're far more important to me than this suspicion is, after all,' he thought, 'but it's impossible. I don't think we can go back to how we were so easily.' Sora knew, then, that he couldn't recover their relationship on his own. But he also knew there was still so much else wrong with them, and he didn't know what to say to make any of it right. He didn't know how to make himself talk, he didn't know how to open up. There was nothing he could do, and it was frustrating.

Axel was obviously feeling the same; the way he stabbed at his food was uncharacteristic, and his idle stare was much sharper than usual. Sora didn't think they were going to talk it out at all with the atmosphere between them, so he went back to the hotel without his partner, opening his box and looking inside for the first time in ages. He grabbed his money quickly, ignoring everything else inside that he still wasn't facing. 'Why do I keep it in this thing?' he wondered, peeling the rubber bands off of his rolls of cash. 'It's like I'm torturing myself on purpose.' He shrugged it off and began counting everything out with a sigh, realizing that it had been a long time since he'd done so. Thus, the result was shocking: he had well over 500 grand in cash. He supposed he shouldn't have been surprised considering the sheer number of bills and the pretty hefty size of his box, but it still hit him like a pile of bricks. All of that just from hustling and prostitution. But then he thought about it. Sometimes he would make up to $2000 a night if it went well. And he hardly ever spent anything other than small amounts on food and booze and clothes. Subtracting those things and what he insistently gave to Joann for her kindness, he'd probably been raking in $80 thousand a year. It was ridiculous to think that he could make so much from being so deplorable. He laughed a bit sadly and started re-banding his money, wondering why he didn't even care that he had so much. 'Isn't this supposed to make me happy?'

As he thought this, a pair of arms wrapped around his shoulders and Axel's chin landed on his head.

"You were counting it?" the redhead murmured, kissing Sora's hair.

Sora nodded and shoved the last roll of bills back into the box snugly, shutting it and sliding it across the bed. "It's actually a pretty ridiculous amount," he said, grabbing Axel's hand and squeezing it. He was certain they were both acting that way only to reaffirm that they were going to stay together, despite all of the strange energy between them, but then Axel leaned around and began kissing him in earnest and he wasn't so sure anymore. The other boy seemed pretty genuinely enthralled again, though Sora couldn't be certain where that was coming from.

"I'm sorry," Axel murmured, resting his forehead on Sora's shoulder. "I'm so sorry."

The brunet knew he was apologizing for the previous night, and sighed, ignoring the irritation that rose up in his stomach. He turned to Axel and gave him a look for just a minute before kissing him on the lips. "I forgive you. Again."

Axel smiled a little, but made no comment. That worried Sora, honestly. Normally the redhead would be quick to make a little joke, or lightheartedly brush everything aside in one quick sentence, but he was completely silent, for once. It felt wrong. It felt like a lie.

Trying desperately to push away the trepidation mounting inside, Sora started gathering everything together so they could get back on the road. Axel was doing the same but took a little longer, so he handed Sora his keys and told him he'd meet him in the car as the brunet went to stick his bag in the backseat. He was about to slide into the passenger seat and wait for Axel, but realized after a moment that he'd left a few important things. He couldn't be certain Axel would get them, so he headed back to the room in a slight jog. However, as he approached the door and started unlocking it, he heard the redhead's voice on the other side, which was incredibly unusual. He knew the guy didn't talk to himself, so it could only mean he was on the phone with someone. But Sora had been under the impression there was no one for him to call. Plus, the fact that they were in some random hotel meant that Axel had to have been the one to call first, and Sora found that suspicious all on its own. 'Why couldn't he call them in front of me? Or tell me about them at all?' he thought, pausing where he was and pressing his ear against the door.

"…no, it'll be some time… yeah… Well, please, I promise he's not shady… okay… yeah, tell him I said hi too… alright… bye." There was a click and a sigh, then the muffled sounds of him packing up once more. And though Sora intended to go in and confront Axel at that moment, he was frozen in place. He was afraid. 'Does this mean he hasn't been honest with me?' he wondered, staring at the chipping off-white paint on the door and shaking his head.

Before he could process everything and go inside to do anything about it, the door swung open to reveal a surprised Axel. He furrowed his brow at Sora for just a moment, then watched as the smaller boy finally made eye contact with him.

"Uhh… did you come back for this?" Axel asked, holding up what Sora had left.

The brunet nodded slowly, then took it and started walking back towards the car, still lost in thought. He remained in that state even as Axel went to check them out, and barely snapped out of it as the redhead started the car and pulled out.

"Hey, Axel?" he said quietly, flipping his knife open and closed to keep calm. "Who were you on the phone with?"

The color drained from Axel's face, then, as he glanced over at Sora and what he was doing with his hands. "Sora-"

"Please tell me, Axel. Because I feel like I've been lied to, here, and I'm not sure how to react to that."

They both went silent for a moment, then the redhead sighed and shook his head, clutching the wheel a bit tighter. "It wasn't anything important."

"Well come now, that's not being _fair_ is it Axel."

"This and that are two _very_ different things, Sora."

"But there's obviously something important going on that you don't want to tell me, or something in your life that you've decided to hide from me. I already feel wary about all of this, so it doesn't help when you do things that make me even more suspicious."

"Oh, so now you have the right to berate me about not sharing things? Really?"

Sora closed his mouth for a moment, thinking that over.

"Well I guess you're right, and you're obviously not going to tell me, which is cute after all the time you spent giving me shit about not telling you things."

"Maybe I decided to finally give you equal treatment. You know, even out the relationship."

"What the fuck, Axel?" Sora grumbled. "I just want to know what's going on. I feel like I'm somehow involved here, so it's only fair. This is different than sharing a story from my past."

"Okay," Axel muttered, sighing and pushing a stray bit of hair out of his eyes with a frustrated flick. "I know some people in Portland, which is why we're headed there. The end."

"Great, and you don't want to share any details about that?"

"I wanted it to be a surprise…" Axel said quietly, his voice drained of energy. "I wasn't trying to hide things, really, I just wanted to show, not tell. It's important."

Sora was struck by the sudden display of emotion and promptly went silent, feeling kind of like a dick. 'It's not entirely my fault,' he reasoned, glancing at Axel contritely.

"Sorry," he said after some time, putting his hand on Axel's knee.

The redhead nodded and grabbed his hand, kissing his knuckles. "I'm sorry too. All we do lately is spew hateful words at each other, and I think I'm to blame."

"No, Axel-"

"Really, Sora," he interrupted, looking over at the brunet. "More than you know, I think it's my fault."

Sora felt uneasy all over again as he processed those words, but realized that it all had to have something to do with why they were going to Portland, and what would happen afterwards.

He sat and silently contemplated everything all over again, starting from the beginning. It was hard to take in. So much had changed already, for both of them, and even more was going to change in the future. And looking back, he was starting to think that Axel may have been right about his fear of change. He'd fought his attraction to the redhead from the start, fought his impulse to let go, fought the opportunities he'd been given. There was always something holding him back, and it was more than his past. It was fear.

Realizing that was liberating all on its own, but Sora still couldn't say he was completely ready to open up to Axel. He decided that it was more important to settle things between them first. He needed to know what Axel wasn't telling him, and he needed to feel like things were being done on his terms. Having a plan in that regard settled his heart, finally, and he was able to relax for the first time in days. He cherished the lulling motion of the car and the road noises, letting his hand hang out the window to catch the wind. And before he knew it, his brain shut itself down.

He didn't wake up for hours. In fact, he must have been supremely exhausted when he'd fallen asleep because what woke him wasn't the car stopping, or even Axel's arms hoisting him out, but the gentle hum of two voices just a few feet from him, buzzing just enough to irritate him out of his slumber. He rustled around a bit and groaned, wondering why the car was suddenly so comfortable and soft and full of pillows, and why there was someone else in the car with them. Then he snapped awake as he gained his bearings and realized that he was, in fact, not in Axel's old car anymore, but an unfamiliar, and shockingly middle class bedroom.

He sat up and looked down at the comforter he'd been tucked under, marveling at how white it was. He felt like he was going to stain it just being in its vicinity. However, more pressing than downy duvets was the issue of his location, and, furthermore, who it belonged to. The house was obviously not a place Axel could be associated with. Or so he thought. Then he frowned, realizing that that was the only option and wondering what exactly was going on.

He turned his attention to the voices. They were coming from just outside a slightly cracked door. Sora could just make out Axel's profile through that crack, his usual gesturing and over-emphasized head motions drawing his gaze. He snickered, then took a moment to make out what they were saying. He didn't mean to eavesdrop (again), but he figured it might save him some time.

"He's really skinny, Lee."

The voice that spoke was female (or at least Sora thought it was a female voice), but he wasn't sure what third party that person was addressing. He hadn't registered a third person in the conversation. 'I was half asleep, though,' he thought, shrugging it off. He listened a little longer, trying to divine who this "Lee" person was.

"It's not like I'm abusing him," Axel grumbled, responding to the first person's voice.

'Okay but who is Lee?' Sora thought again, frustrated by the lack of clarification.

"I know, I know," the other person said quickly. "I'm not comparing you to your father. I'm just saying he looks like he needs taking care of, and I don't know that you're the one to do that right now hon."

Sora frowned, still trying to figure out what was happening. Out of impatience, he gave up on his eavesdropping and stood, palming the door open to see who was talking. To his surprise, there were only two people: Axel, and a tall, pretty redhead who looked quite a bit like him. She turned and gave a flustered smile, holding out her hand to shake.

"Oh you're awake!" she said warmly, touching his shoulder as she gripped his hand. She was obviously used to comforting people. Sora immediately liked her. "I'm Lynn. I'm Lee's aunt. He already explained to me that he's been awful," she gave Axel an accusatory but gentle look, and pinched his cheek, "and hasn't told you anything about us, but I hope you don't feel uncomfortable here. We can work out the kinks later, but I'd like you to stay for as long as you want. Okay?"

Sora stared at her, open-mouthed and befuddled, slowly letting his features fall into an easy smile. It was somewhat genuine (most of his expressions had become more unguarded during his time with Axel) but there was something clicking together in his brain that made his lips quiver ever so slightly. Fortunately, Lynn didn't seem to notice, and smiled back as Sora nodded and thanked her profusely. They exchanged a few more pleasantries and then bade each other goodnight, both ignoring Axel and reentering the rooms they'd come from.

Axel followed after Sora, shutting the door as they reentered what the brunet was starting to suspect was his partner's room.

He turned and crossed his arms once they were both inside, something in the pit of his stomach dropping. Whatever was going on, the unveiling wasn't going to be pleasant. Axel seemed to think so too as he sunk down on the bed and gave Sora a profoundly apologetic look. Then, he began his story.


	8. Sleepwalking

**Warning:** Sex, drugs, violence. All the best things. A somber, pretentious atmosphere provided by this girl who thinks she's some kind of writer. Some weirdly gushy bits followed by some attempts at being funny. Song titles as chapter titles, as usual (because I haven't an original bone in my entire body). **TRIGGER WARNING:** rape, psychological abuse, and physical abuse. Please take note. Very important.

**Disclaimer:** I have no imagination, I came up with nothing.

**Title:** Sleepwalking by The Chain Gang of 1974

* * *

**Sleepwalking**

"You're Lee."

It wasn't a question. Sora knew the answer was yes. He also knew this had some interesting implications, though he wasn't entirely sure what all of them were yet. His mind was not quite up-to-speed, and he couldn't sift through everything filtering in and out. He made a mental note to sit down and really think everything over afterwards.

Quietly, Axel… _Lee_, nodded. He looked up at Sora sheepishly and gave a half-frown, waiting for more feedback.

Sora just stared at the corner, still groggy and even more so after hearing this new bit of information.

"Why Axel then?" he said lamely, staring down the redhead. "Some corny attempt at sounding badass?"

"I guess you could say that," _Lee_ laughed, lacing his fingers together. "My friends and I, when I had friends, we would add an X to our names and act like we were a gang. It was just dumb kid stuff, but that's why I used the name. I'm a dumb kid. I'd been on the road, acting like an immature, whiny douche bag. So I was Axel. I didn't really fit the name Lee."

"Wait wait wait," Sora muttered, squeezing the bridge of his nose. "How do you get Axel from Lee? E-X-E-L? It doesn't make sense."

"Oh, uh, my name is spelled L-E-A," the other man said quietly. The room settled into a terse silence after that, the unimpressive conversation buzzing around in Sora's brain until the gears therein finally creaked into action. And it hit him how ridiculous everything he'd been involved in up until that point had been. That moment of clarity he'd had when they'd first slept together, what had it really been? Had they both seen the cracks in the other and been trying to melt into them? To fix them like putty? Maybe their mutual hurt had reflected and shone so brightly they were both blinded by it, believing that it was some cosmic occurrence in which destiny and fate were both at play, creating waves to urge them forward like flower petals riding on the ripples of a pond. 'I heard 'Axel' and it was perfect,' he thought, biting back a bitter laugh. 'And it was perfect because, no matter what his name had been, I would have believed it was perfect. I would have been just as blinded.' Sora felt like he'd been in an alternate universe for months and was only just coming back to reality.

He cleared his throat as all of this came crashing down on him, intent on unleashing it on Ax- no, Lea. The man he didn't really know. However, just as he was about to speak, Lea cut in, the desperation in his voice making it clear to Sora that he'd noticed that something devastating was coming.

"Look, Sora," he murmured, grabbing the brunet's hands and forcing him to make eye contact, "I… I want to continue to be with you. I'm falling for you." Sora felt his heart grind itself into burger as he registered that statement, and he wanted nothing more than to sink down and admit that he was too. He held back, but just barely as Lea continued to plead with him.

"Whatever this was at the start, that's how it is now. Call it mutual attraction, or chemistry, or fate, or fucking love at first sight if you want. But, regardless of what you call it, I want to be with you. I really do. I'm not going to say that I can't imagine not having you by my side, but I know that if you aren't here it'll fucking hurt. It'll hurt so much worse than before. I want you."

He reached up and stroked Sora's cheek as he ended his speech, on the verge of tears. He looked so anguished and lost as he stared up at the smaller man, his bright green eyes shining. Sora wanted so badly to soothe him. To push back his hair and kiss his forehead, then his lips, then his hands. He felt his heart tugging him forward, telling him that he should fall into this man's arms and let go. He should sob out his story and try to mend it, even if_ he_ was _Lea_ and even if Lea became his only reason for living.

But he couldn't do it.

He knew better. He'd figured at least enough out to know that he couldn't cling to Lea, as much as he wanted to. There had been too much dishonesty, too much fear, and too much charged emotion between them. It didn't matter that everything was coming out now, there was no changing what had happened before. Sora knew he wouldn't have found his way on his own, not without Lea becoming the catalyst, but he was sure now: he needed to heal before he could be with Lea, and that meant that he couldn't use the other man as a bandaid. He knew that's what he'd become. He knew that wasn't healthy.

"Lea," he murmured, kissing the redhead even as he rejected him, "I have to leave."

Lea his head vehemently, the tears now pooling in his eyes. "Please don't leave," he sobbed, immediately dissolving into tears and clutching onto Sora's back, burying his face in his shirt.

"I have to leave," Sora repeated, running his hands gently through Lea's hair as his own tears began coursing down. "This isn't the way I'm going to become whole. I can't use this relationship to become okay. I can't. We'll tear each other apart, Axel. You'll try to heal me, but it won't work, and you'll realize that you should have let me leave-"

"But you can't know that if you do this Sor-"

"I do know this, Ax- Lea. I do. It's what happened with my parents, and it's probably what happened to yours. We'll go insane, both of us, and we'll do terrible things. You need your space to pursue the person you're well on your way to becoming, and I need mine to learn how to be a person at all. I can't do that like this. I can't do that while using you as a life jacket."

"Sora, it doesn't make sense for you to leave," Lea insisted, still crying. "You say that we can't heal together, but people do that all the time. People use groups to heal, they use their family and friends and loved ones to heal. They do. I… Please."

"It's not the same," the brunet murmured, kissing the back of the bigger man's neck. "Let me be frank: we've known each other for about a month. There's a massive number of things we still have to discover about each other, and there's probably going to be a great deal of things that we will find we don't like about each other. When that happens… while I'm like this, and you're like this, we'll explode. It will be the other night all over again. I'll storm out of the car sobbing. I'll punch you and curse at you and spit in your face. We'll act like it's not dysfunctional and ridiculous, but we'll both know that it is, just like we do now. And instead of facing that and separating when we should, we'll cling onto this codependent relationship and force it onwards until we end up dead or in jail or in a messy break up."

They both allowed the silence to settle as what Sora had said hit home. He hadn't realized how wounded he would be by his own words until he spoke them, a sharp pain shooting through his whole body and setting him to trembling. He sunk into Lea's arms and cried with him, giving in when the other man began pressing hot kisses to his mouth.

The redhead sunk into him like never before, that night, stripping off his clothes angrily and throwing the covers onto the ground with pain etched through every feature. Sora held onto him and accepted everything, murmuring soothing words to the other man and petting down his neck, his tears a constant stream. He only seemed to grow more agitated at that, biting Sora all over and leaving very clear marks. He took a moment to press his slicked fingers inside, then left that aside and penetrated the brunet harshly, watching with a pained expression as the smaller man bit back a cry and clutched at the sheets.

Lea slumped against him, mouthing his collarbone and gasping as he thrust in relentlessly, over and over. "I can't stand this," he breathed, the words barely audible against Sora's skin.

The brunet jolted at each roll of the redhead's hips, covering his mouth with one hand and savoring what pleasure he could as he sobbed. 'This will probably be the last time,' he thought. 'Not forever… I hope not forever… But the last time for awhile… I'll come back to you.'

He finally uncovered his lips after some time and kissed Lea hard, gripping onto him all over and relishing the nostalgic tingle. It was there again, that charge, and it was as strong between them as ever. He half-smiled and choked out another sob as he bit into Lea's shoulder. He came to a shuddering climax not seconds later and held back a moan as Lea did the same. And they didn't hold back on their usual post-sex cuddling, even though they were on the verge of separating. If anything, it became more intense and loving. Their hands sunk into skin everywhere, gripping tight enough to bruise and eliciting little noises from them both as they clung onto each other and let out shuddering breaths.

Painfully entwined, they both fell into a deep slumber. And despite how long and how recently Sora had slept, he didn't stir for the entire night.


	9. Black Water

**Warning:** Sex, drugs, violence. All the best things. A somber, pretentious atmosphere provided by this girl who thinks she's some kind of writer. Some weirdly gushy bits followed by some attempts at being funny. Song titles as chapter titles, as usual (because I haven't an original bone in my entire body). **TRIGGER WARNING:** rape, psychological abuse, and physical abuse. Please take note. Very important.

**Disclaimer:** I have no imagination, I came up with nothing.

**Title:** Black Water by The Doobie Brothers

* * *

**Black Water**

The morning following the end of their relationship, Sora and Lea woke up at the same time and stared at each other for a good ten minutes, just processing everything that had changed, and what was about to change. They kissed a few times without really committing to it, knowing that it would only hurt more later. They took separate showers and got dressed without speaking. And then they both greeted the rest of Lea's family.

They'd arrived somewhat late the previous evening, so the other two members of the household had been asleep, but they seemed all too familiar with Sora and all too comfortable with his presence at their breakfast table.

Lynn's husband, Josh, introduced himself, and then Lea's cousin, Andrew, gave a small smile and a wave as his form of greeting. They both then insisted that the brunet sit down and eat the things they swiftly shoveled onto his plate. He laughed and watched them do this with a sad smile on his face, noting that Lea had grabbed his hand under the table. He squeezed it and rubbed his thumb across the man's knuckles, knowing he was going to have to let him know where it was he planned to go after breakfast. 'I'm glad they're here for him,' he thought, eyeing Lea's family with a warmed heart. 'And he seems ready to let them in.' He looked over at his redheaded companion and noted that there was a softness and maturity in his eyes that hadn't been there when they'd first met. Obviously, it wasn't going to be enough on its own to make everything work, but it was a step. They'd both made steps. Together.

Swallowing down another bout of tears, Sora ate the food on his plate and chatted amicably with the people around him, immersing himself in these final moments.

They flew by all too quickly, and Sora found himself packing, making an important phone call, and saying goodbye before he knew it, his ride to the bus stop filled with a heavy silence that sat like lead in his heart. Lea gripped the wheel and stared straight ahead, his eyes barely closing for a blink. Sora just watched him and let himself be as he was: in love. He knew he loved Lea. Lea may have only been "falling" for him, but he was already there. He wouldn't tell him that. It would be too cruel. Instead, he swallowed it down and leaned against the shoulder of the man he loved, fingers intertwined and eyes cast down.

When they reached the bus station, they sat and kissed each other desperately for as long as they could, both so drained and emotional that their tears salted each press of their lips and tongues, and neither of them did anything about it.

"I'll see you again… But I can't promise it will be soon," Sora whispered, pressing his forehead against Lea's. "I know it's a lot to ask, but please don't let go."

Lea nodded and promised he wouldn't, watching Sora leave with a trained stare. Lea was holding back for his sake, Sora knew, so he didn't look back as the redhead drove away, and instead pressed onwards, straight to the back of the bus.

It was to be a fairly short trip, he knew, but he was immensely grateful for the fact that Lea had given him his old iPod. It made it easier not to spend the entire time sobbing. In fact, he heard all the same songs he'd gotten used to hearing when traveling around with "Axel" and he smiled, biting his nail as he allowed himself to remember only the good times.

By the time he arrived at his final destination, he'd relived almost his entire month of being with "Axel." He'd even replayed the previous night with some degree of detachment, glad that he'd ended it the way he had. He continued to tell himself this as he approached the man now waiting for him nearby — he was determined not to break down right away. However, the way his cool gray eyes met Sora's in a knowing stare broke down every wall, and the taller guy was forced to immediately hoist him onto the back of his motorcycle and speed away to avoid making a scene.

Because speaking on a motorcycle is pretty much impossible when the driver goes 90 the entire time, Sora had some time to collect his thoughts as they sped down the highway. He managed to calm down entirely after a few minutes, and when they reached the place he'd be staying from then on, he could speak just fine.

"Thank you again for taking me in, Leon," Sora murmured, scrubbing at his puffy eyes and standing near the door. "I don't know what I would have done if I didn't know you."

"Forget it," Leon cut in, grabbing Sora by one shoulder and steering him to a spare room. It was small, as was the entire house, but Sora had no reason to complain. It wasn't like he'd ever had a room to call his own anyways. He immediately loved it, and put what little he owned on the floor with a satisfied smile. Leon ruffled his hair without a word and dragged him into the other room, forcing him to sit and wait for lunch.

"Why do you work so far out here?" Sora asked, immediately feeling the need to fill the silent air. He knew Leon was the stoic type, and probably wouldn't want to chat much, but he couldn't help himself. He felt awkward. Especially because of how they knew each other.

"I don't like getting a bunch of needy customers," he grumbled, setting a plate in front of the smaller brunet with a sigh as he took the other seat at the small, linoleum-covered table. Sora took a moment to glance around once he'd settled and begun eating, noting that despite how simply Leon's house was furnished, it was neat and tidy. Nothing was out of its place, and nothing looked too flashy or too cheap. It seemed just like him; straightforward and utilitarian. He leaned back to look past the small partition in the kitchen into the living room, noting that there was no television, just books. Books everywhere.

"What are you looking at so curiously?" Leon grunted, clearing away the plates when he was certain Sora was finished.

"The living room," the smaller brunet indicated, pointing with a smile. "There are a lot of books in there."

"Well it's what I'm used to." Leon paused and looked at Sora meaningfully, weighing what he was about to say for some time before he spoke again. "A lot of them belonged to your grandfather, you know."

Sora went stiff, swallowing down the lump that immediately appeared in his throat. His hands started trembling. "Oh yeah?" he squeaked out, standing to relieve some of the anxious energy building up. "I… I should look at them-"

"Sora, I want you to know something," Leon interrupted. "Sit down."

The two stared at each other for some time, batting around a wealth of unspoken thoughts. It seemed the air was thick with potential, for better or worse, and it was making it hard for Sora to breathe. Finally, he bowed to the pressure and sat, wanting to hear what Leon had to say. He had a perspective Sora had never heard, after all. He was ready.

"You never met him," Leon began, "but your grandfather was a good man. And the way your father turned out… had nothing to do with him." He waited a moment after saying that, obviously aware of how much the mention of his father was going to affect Sora. Sure enough, the smaller brunet was in tears already, little streams seeping from under his hand as he shielded his eyes. Leon grabbed his hand silently and gave him a few more minutes to adjust, waiting for that moment when he would take in a shaky breath and settle down enough to hear more. When it finally happened, he spoke again slowly, deliberately. "He raised your dad the way you'd raise any child," he murmured, squeezing the fingers now digging painfully into his. "He loved him, he treated him well, he gave him a kind of freedom most people didn't have in the 70s. In fact, I think your father had a better childhood than most. But, you probably didn't know this, so I want you to understand: your father ran away at 15 years old. Your grandfather didn't know why for years, and he and your grandma were so torn up about it that they adopted me. They were already old by then, but they were good parents. However, your grandma got sick just two years after they adopted me and passed away, and your grandfather was in pretty bad shape with so many losses coming one after another. It only got worse when they finally found out why your dad had run away…"

Sora pressed his lips together and took a shaky breath, trying to pluck up the courage to tell Leon he could continue. He wasn't sure he wanted to hear it yet, though. He wasn't sure if it was right. Everything seemed to be happening so quickly. He'd only just arrived, he'd only just left Lea, he'd only just learned how to be a person. 'Maybe it's too much…' he thought, wondering if piling everything on was the smartest thing to do.

Then he remembered how quickly everything else in his life had changed. How he'd changed from an apathetic, suicidal mess into a man who wanted nothing more than to be whole. He figured letting things happen organically was working pretty well for him and looked up at Leon, motioning for him to continue. "Why did he leave?" he murmured, wiping away his newest bout of tears.

Leon squeezed his hand again and continued with a sigh. "A year after your grandma died, there was a story in the paper. I was still really young, so I didn't know what was going on until many years later, but that story pertained to your father. The police had started investigating claims that a local high school teacher was molesting young boys, and he confessed when he was taken into custody. He also confessed to offenses that hadn't been reported, and your grandfather was contacted because one of the things he'd confessed to was the molestation of your father."

Sora's stomach dropped at terminal velocity. He felt like his whole body was trying to tear itself apart, overwhelmed by the implications of what he'd just learned. He hid his face behind his hand again, trying to cope, trying to see past it, trying to keep himself stable. He was barely able to hold himself together as Leon gently started the story up again.

"Your grandfather told me all of this when I was 17," he murmured. "You were already 9, but we didn't even know you existed. Your grandfather'd had his hands full raising me all on his own and running the business for all those years. He'd tried to find your dad, but it was a tall order back then. It would have been easier if your dad had had a real job, or bank accounts, or anything. The way he'd been living, though, kept him out of reach. So, I was the one who ultimately tracked him down."

Sora whipped his head up, staring at Leon in disbelief. "What? You… found us?"

Leon nodded, wincing at the look Sora was giving him. "This is part of the reason I want to tell you this. Let me explain." Sora nodded and waited, watching Leon adjust in his chair uncomfortably before continuing. "I was 18 at the time, and your grandfather was not going to last much longer and I knew it. He said he was leaving everything to me because he couldn't find your dad, but I wasn't satisfied with that. I wanted to find your dad because I wanted to give your grandfather what closure I could. He was my father, after all. The only one I ever knew, anyways. So I looked for him, and I managed to figure some things out. It was a loose trail, and a difficult one to follow, but I got some help from private investigators and things like that with pocket money I'd been saving up, and eventually I found him. He was a big drug dealer around Vegas back then. I don't know if you know much about that, but that's what your family was living on: drug money. In fact, part of the reason his sentence is so long is because of things he did for drug runners. When I saw that he was living that way, I approached him and we fought. He had no idea who I was, of course, but when I told him he just laughed and said he didn't give a shit about his old man. I beat the shit out of him and left knowing that I couldn't tell your grandfather about any of it. I had to lie for his sake. I didn't want him to die knowing that his son was a drug dealer and probably a murderer. I did tell him about you, however. I had seen you briefly, peeking out the curtains when I first approached your dad. But then your mom pulled you away. I didn't know, then, what you looked like up close. I didn't know how badly you were being treated-"

Sora raised his hand to stop him, gulping and rubbing at his face. "Let's not open that can of worms right now, okay?" he choked out, covering his mouth and staring down at the table top.

"Sora," Leon murmured, grabbing the smaller brunet's shoulder and rubbing in an effort at comfort. "If I had known…"

Sora shook his head quickly, vehemently, denying whatever was about to come out of Leon's mouth. He stopped him again and looked into his eyes, his tears unstoppable. "It doesn't matter. There's nothing that can be done about it now. You didn't know."

"But-"

"You're an adult, aren't you?" Sora said loudly, shaking as his sobs became more violent. "You're already, what, 30? You should know better. You can't change what happened. So you can apologize to me all you want, but it doesn't change anything but how you feel about yourself and your guilt. It means nothing."

He stood without another word and slipped away to the room he was now staying in, leaving Leon to sit and brood. He immediately regretted what he'd said once he was alone, but he also knew it was true. Leon was going to make claims that he would have saved him. He was going to apologize for not realizing and finally alleviate the guilt he'd been storing for a decade. He was going to bring up the offer he'd made all those years ago to take him in and claim that he wished he could go back and force him. He was going to open old wounds, and all for his own self-interested reasons. Sora couldn't handle that.

And for the first time in over a month, he felt lonely.


	10. Too Much

**Warning:** Sex, drugs, violence. All the best things. A somber, pretentious atmosphere provided by this girl who thinks she's some kind of writer. Some weirdly gushy bits followed by some attempts at being funny. Song titles as chapter titles, as usual (because I haven't an original bone in my entire body). **TRIGGER WARNING:** rape, psychological abuse, and physical abuse. Please take note. Very important.

**Disclaimer:** I have no imagination, I came up with nothing.

**Title:** Too Much by Drake

* * *

**Too Much**

Leon may have first encountered Sora when he was 9, but Sora's first memory of the older man was far different than the one he'd heard the day before. It was a full 7 years after Leon said he'd come to his home to confront his father that Sora first really saw him. He'd been hanging around Joann's bar for a few days, and he always stared like he wanted something. He never took Sora up on his offers to play a game of darts or pool or poker. He never drank much or talked to anyone. He just sat at the bar and stared at Sora. So the kid had assumed he wanted something else and offered his "services" for the night.

He hadn't expected to be rebuffed, but at the time, Leon scornfully told him no, looking offended by the proposition. He offered him a place to stay for the night nonetheless, and though Sora's ego was bruised, he was far from hesitant to accept that offer. That was the first time he really met Leon, and during that night, he faced a multitude of shocking revelations.

After he told Leon his name, the older man said something completely unexpected: he was Sora's grandfather's foster child. So the law said that this man was his uncle. Sora didn't put much stock in family and brushed that off, unimpressed. Especially when Leon offered to take him in. That had been a bitter battle of a conversation. He'd yelled at Leon and told him he didn't know anything about him. He'd even hit him, and the older man had obviously been shocked by how well Sora could fight. It was his loss. He couldn't fend Sora off at all, and gave up on taking him in that day. He gave Sora his phone number and address, however, and made him promise that he'd keep them.

After spending a night in the same room, Sora didn't mind doing so. He felt a strange kinship with the man, despite himself, and wanted to at least give himself the comfort of knowing that he always had a place to turn. It didn't change the fact that he lived in a destitute state of tragedy for years, but it did allow him some form of escape. He would often look at the paper Leon gave him when he left, a name, number, and street listed in a rough scrawl. It was one of the many things he kept in his box that made his heart ache. It was a reminder that he was subhuman, incapable of feelings, incapable of truly existing. He'd been completely unable to accept Leon's offer to help, and he continued to be unable to accept assistance from anyone for all those years.

Remembering this, Sora felt his whole body ache. He laid down on the bed in his newly claimed room and stared at the wall, certain that Leon would kick him out, and scared of what would happen afterwards. But nothing of the sort happened, really. He walked into the living room and found that no one was around. The other bedroom down the hall was similarly empty, as was the tiny kitchen. There weren't many places in the house he could be, so Sora put on his shoes and decided to take a look at the auto shop, which served as Leon's source of income and his business. It was an odd sight in modern times, but Leon's business was attached to his house, the garage almost taking up more space than the house itself.

Sora found the older man crouched therein, staring at something unrecognizable and turning it slowly. The smaller brunet watched him do this for some time, then waited to see if he would be noticed. There was no indication that Leon had clocked his presence, so he wandered to the other side of the car the man was kneeling next to, wondering whose it was and why they would bring it to him way out in the middle of nowhere. He poked at some tools for a moment, then turned and watched Leon sliding under the car to fiddle around. He was only underneath it for a few seconds before he seemingly finished whatever repairs he was doing, reappearing and wiping down his hands with a rag nearby. There was a pause, then, that told Sora that he had indeed been noticed, so he waited for the man to speak up, ready to be kicked to the curb. However, the silence continued to hang, and it just went on longer and longer as Sora held his breath. So he took matters into his own hands.

"Are you going to kick me out?" he said, leaning against a table.

Leon turned and shook his head, setting down the rag in his hands and facing Sora fully. "I'm sorry."

"It's nothing."

Silence again. They really didn't know how to interact with each other. There was nothing for it, though, because they were stuck. Sora had nowhere to go, and Leon was bound by guilt. That was the score, in the end.

"No, it's something," Leon said, the words emerging at length from between ground teeth. "I'm not just sorry for what happened yesterday, I'm sorry about everything. I wanted to save you, but I was a coward, and I couldn't. And when you called… I'm ashamed to admit it, but I saw it as a second chance. For me. I got too wrapped up in fixing what I'd left broken, and in making myself feel better about dad… I really miscalculated here. I'm sorry."

Sora nodded and accepted the apology with a gulp, feeling guilty all over again.

"Well… I shouldn't have reacted that way, anyways," he murmured, staring at his toes. "I'm grateful to you, and I know you have good intentions. I just let my emotions get the best of me and I wasn't thinking clearly. Even if you're just taking me in for your sake, or my grandpa's sake… it's fine. I just need the help, so I can't complain."

"I don't want you to think it's like that, though." Leon shook his head with a sigh, running a hand back through his shaggy mane. "I want you to know that I really… I don't know you, but I care what happens to you. I still see you as my family. My only family left, actually. Even if it's not by blood, what does it matter? You deserve better than what you were given, and I want to do whatever I can to change your future."

"Let's see how you feel after a month," Sora chuckled, wandering over and slapping Leon on the shoulder. "You may think we're family now, but you may come to hate me after you get to know me."

Leon seemed worried for a moment, but his expression brightened when he looked at Sora, his eyes going soft. He nodded at the small brunet and patted him on the head, ruffling his hair down. "A month, then," he agreed. "I won't kick you out either way, but let's hope we don't end up at each other's throats."

Sora laughed and made some jokes about beating Leon up, feeling immensely comforted. Still, he didn't know how to face what he'd learned the day before, and he didn't know what to do with himself since he couldn't hustle anyone, so he felt restless. He stayed in the garage with Leon all day, questioning him about everything. And, soon enough, Leon started to teach him all about working on cars. It was a slow process, but Sora was engrossed from the very beginning, picking up on things through sheer force of will.

By the time a month had passed, he and Leon didn't, in fact, hate each other, and he'd started helping the older man out officially in his shop. He got a surprising number of customers, Sora learned, and they were all regulars. They came to him for all of their tune-ups, and they all seemed to know quite a bit about him. They would converse for a long time when they came by, and they always seemed reluctant to leave. Even more so with Sora around. They all _adored_ Sora.

He started telling people he was Leon's nephew, and they treated him like a little puppy, giving him snacks and chatting with him at length. Leon grumbled about it but didn't seem to really mind, watching with a veiled smile as Sora opened up honestly to new people. It was a first for him, and he felt lighter for it. There was something so genuine and pleasant about learning about all of these people. It was similar to when he would hustle, but without all of the seedy undertones. There was nothing manipulative or unpleasant about his interactions with Leon's customers, it was just authentic human interaction. He started to shine.

And on top of that he was learning a real skill. Leon mentioned a few times that he was a natural at it, and that he picked things up quickly, but Sora was still working hard to nurture it. He wanted to be able to do something, even if it was just fixing cars. He liked it. And it brought out another side of Leon. He seemed strange when he would tinker with things, like he was in another world.

When Sora asked him about it, he would usually brush it off, but he answered finally one night, nearly two months after Sora had moved in.

"It's what your grandfather taught me," he said quietly, smiling in a sad way that made Sora's heart throb. "You look a lot like him, you know."

Sora wasn't sure about that, but he liked the thought of Leon feeling warmed by his presence. He could tell there was something to that from the way he looked at him sometimes, like he was someone special.

It was by no means the same way Lea had looked at him, however. And when he thought of that, he would feel something in his chest crackle. There was a void that was being filled somewhere deep inside him, and Leon was patching it up and making it stable, but now there was always something else missing. Lea was missing. It wasn't the feeling of emptiness he'd had when he'd been with the redhead, but something else. This was external, and becoming whole was making him antsy to be reunited with his lover.

He didn't think about it often. In fact, he kept Lea out of his mind as thoroughly as possible for the first few weeks he was there, the memories too much to bear. But sometimes, in the middle of the night, he would wake up and feel an empty pang inside. He would imagine clear, green eyes and gentle hands. He would imagine tracing his fingers over the ink on his pale neck and dragging his hands through his ever-tangled, fiery mane. He would imagine the tingle of their lips and skin pressed together and the way the tattoo next to his hip bone tasted. He would feel and smell Lea all over him, and it was never enough. He felt nothing when he touched himself, and wept instead, squeezing his pillow and wishing it was that lean body.

But most days, and nights, he was fine.

He felt fulfilled in the first time in years. He felt stable, relaxed, and alive for the first time in years. He didn't want to let go of the equilibrium, even though he knew he would have to, but it was a comfort knowing that he could always make it back there. He knew what normal felt like, and he was ready to leap into the void and battle it, because he always knew that the light on the other side was waiting for him. Leon was waiting. And everyone who visited his shop. And Lea… Lea was waiting. His friends, and the man he loved… they were waiting. So he was ready to plunge in headfirst, and he trusted himself to make it out.

"Leon," he said, scraping the plate in front of him with his fork. He looked up from it and smiled, his heart pounding. "I think it's time I told you everything.


	11. Always a Relief

**Warning:** Sex, drugs, violence. All the best things. A somber, pretentious atmosphere provided by this girl who thinks she's some kind of writer. Some weirdly gushy bits followed by some attempts at being funny. Song titles as chapter titles, as usual (because I haven't an original bone in my entire body). **TRIGGER WARNING:** rape, psychological abuse, and physical abuse. Please take note. Very important.

**Disclaimer:** I have no imagination, I came up with nothing.

**Title:** Always a Relief by The Radio Dept.

* * *

**Always a Relief**

"Are you sure?" Leon murmured, gripping Sora's hand as he prepared to start his story. The smaller brunet nodded with lowered eyes, still smiling vaguely but slowly losing all color. He was ready, but that didn't mean it wasn't going to be hard. Just preparing to spill the words inside was difficult, and he felt his throat closing the minute he opened his mouth.

"My father," he started, his voice breathy, shaking. He paused to inhale deeply and lick his lips, watching Leon watch him. "He was an alcoholic, and a drug addict, and… a pedophile."

He breathed out sharply as Leon squeezed his hand, but didn't stop, knowing that this was only the beginning.

"He… he raped me for years, more times than I can count. Which you would think was the worst of it, but I was able to block it out eventually. Mostly because he started pumping me full of drugs and giving me to his friends. Other times, he would… torture me. All of the marks on my body… I know you've seen them… they're all from him. He burnt me with hot pokers, he stabbed me full of shallow cuts, just enough to make me bleed until I passed out. Those were his favorite things to do, and he would… just stand there and laugh and then rape me again." Sora gulped and sniffled, squeezing Leon's fingers with one hand and covering his face with the other.

"He threatened to mutilate me if I said anything to anyone, or if I talked to any adult that wasn't him or my mom. I wasn't to breathe a word, even when I was being raped by his drug dealer friends or forced into helping him hustle bikers. I look back now and realize that he was starving me, though I didn't care about meals all that much because all I wanted was drugs or death. And amongst all of this, there was my mother… who did nothing. She… she played along with him sometimes, in fact. She just didn't want to lose him, I guess, and she loved him enough in her own twisted, psychotic way, to feed into his desires. Whatever he wanted… she gave him everything. And then she committed suicide right in front of me." Sora half-smiled at the memory and shook his head, scrubbing the tears away from his cheeks.

"I was 12 years old. My dad was out one day doing the same shit he always did, and she just snapped. She started screaming that I was a "whore of a child" and that I was stealing him away and that she wished she'd aborted me. She tried to drown me in the bathtub but ended up reconsidering half way, I guess, because she pulled me out and held me and cried. It was pretty much the only time I ever felt anything for my mom. When I saw her crying like that, I reached up and wiped some of the tears away, knowing all too well how she felt… and she smiled for just a second before she grabbed a knife she'd left on the counter and slit her own wrists. She bled out with me still in her lap, and I was too weak and drugged up to even call for help. I guess one of the neighbors heard the screaming my mom had been getting up to, though, and called the cops. That happened a lot in my house. But this time, when they showed up, I was passed out in my mom's lap littered with track marks and stab wounds and burns, and she was dead. I was a tiny kid because I'd been deprived of food, and when the cops took me away from my father and finally arrested him, they were shocked to find out that I was twelve years old. I probably looked eight, at most. Anyways, they took me into protective custody and my dad is in jail. He got the max sentence for every charge, so he'll rot away in there for certain. I'm sure you know at least some of this already… But anyways, I lived with two different families from age 12 to 16, and neither of them could do anything for me. I feel sorry for those people now, because they really did try. They wanted to help me. It wasn't their fault that I kept running away. It wasn't their fault that I felt like dying. It wasn't fair to them, but…"

"Sora," Leon finally chimed in, squeezing his hand hard, "it's not your fault."

The smaller brunet nodded and tried to smile, his whole body aching. He'd lost awareness of his tears altogether, by then, and they were flowing in a deluge down his cheeks.

"I ran away for good at 16," he muttered. "I spent 6 years repeating an endless cycle of hustling and whoring myself out. The only person I knew was Joann, and she took care of me the same way those families had. She tried her best. I met a lot of people along the way who offered me a chance. I met you, I met a kind old woman who offered me a real job at her restaurant, I met a man who had known my father when he was young… from your hometown, I guess, and told me he'd been searching for me and wanted to give me a real life… in the end, none of those people could be trusted. That was my decision. They would all hurt me, somehow, I was convinced." He looked into Leon's eyes and winced apologetically, but the larger man just shook his head and gestured for Sora to continue. Sora nodded and, with a shaky breath, he prepared to talk about Axel.

"It wasn't until I met Axel… no, Lea, that I was able to feel something again. Something real. I became so wrapped up in my intoxication that I didn't have time to worry about trusting him. I worried about a thousand other things, sure, but… I never felt like I couldn't trust him. And I fell in love with him. But it was this stupid, phony version of him that drew me in first. So I fell in love and then I realized that I could never be on even footing with Lea the way I had been with Axel. The hurt he'd offered and displayed was real, but it wasn't the gaping chasm I'd faced within myself so many times. He was healing, he was living. Despite all of the drinking and gambling and wasting away, he had a real chance, and he was preparing himself to take it. That was never true for me until I met him, and it made me feel… so useless. It made me feel broken and incomplete. I really would have used him as a crutch. I would have taken everything he offered and become completely dependent on him… because even though I fell in love with "Axel" first and then Lea, they really were the same person. He showed me who he really was and I continued to live with the delusion that was Axel. I saw every sign that Lea was real, but I was still drowning in him, even as he supposedly metamorphosed in front of me. By the end, I was already in love with all of the things he'd shown me, it didn't even matter who he was. His name meant nothing, because I was in love with the entirety of him."

Sora let out a heavy sob and did not resist as Leon pulled him into a rough embrace. He stayed like that and wept against the mechanic's chest for nearly an hour, neither saying anything. The only other sound in the small kitchen was the gentle rustle of Leon's hands rubbing up and down his back. As he cried, Sora let everything in him go for that scant amount of time. He freed himself from his past, he freed himself from the stains of his life, and he even freed himself from Lea. He felt the ache in his body and soul sliding away into infinity, the universe taking all of his pain and smiling kindly. And he wasn't healed, and he wasn't perfect, but for the first time in his life he had hope that he could be.

'Someday, I'll go back to him and smile,' he thought, his lips quirking as he pictured Lea with open arms and that familiar, broad grin. 'Someday, I'll learn how to love him for real.'

Those were the last thoughts to filter through his brain as he slid into a deep, uninterrupted sleep, ready to face the next day as a new man even in his slumber.


	12. Hearts on Fire

**Warning:** Sex, drugs, violence. All the best things. A somber, pretentious atmosphere provided by this girl who thinks she's some kind of writer. Some weirdly gushy bits followed by some attempts at being funny. Song titles as chapter titles, as usual (because I haven't an original bone in my entire body). **TRIGGER WARNING:** rape, psychological abuse, and physical abuse. Please take note. Very important.

**Disclaimer:** I have no imagination, I came up with nothing.

**Title:** Hearts on Fire by Cut Copy

* * *

**Hearts on Fire**

Sora awoke in an unfamiliar room. Well, "unfamiliar" wasn't entirely the right word, as it was a room he'd seen a few times in passing. However, he still felt uncomfortable in it because he'd never stepped inside for more than a moment, let alone slept in it… wrapped in a rather muscular pair of arms. He turned in shock to glance over Leon's face, making sure it really was the mechanic that was spooning him and not a random person.

Indeed, the older brunet was sleeping quite soundly at his back, mumbling something to himself about a "cloud." Sora would later think this must have been a portent of the events to unfold, but in his current situation, he was more concerned about how to get up without disturbing his counterfeit uncle. And how to handle the strange feeling he had in the pit of his stomach.

He knew it was aftershock from shedding so much emotion the previous night, and he knew it needed to be addressed, but he was loathe to even consider its presence. It filled him with too much dread. He felt like he was sinking. Like he might fall again and drown in his feelings, descending through the blackness as though trapped in a bottomless tar pit. He could feel it in the way his throat was already closing in on itself, in the way his hands trembled as he slowly tried to crawl to the foot of Leon's bed. He paused as he reached the edge, not sure if he should leave the comfort of Leon's side after all. However, that problem was soon solved as the older man sat up and began scratching at his hair, yawning and frowning at his knees.

"Sorry," Sora muttered quickly, still trembling a bit. "I didn't mean to wake you. You can sleep longer. I'll just-"

Without a word, Leon grabbed him gently and hugged him once more, stroking his hand down Sora's spine the same way he had the night before. "Don't hide your feelings, okay?" he murmured, nodding a bit as Sora gulped down tears. His body shook like a leaf, but in Leon's warm embrace it quickly settled, along with the thunderous pounding of his heart. His breathing evened out slowly as he regained his strength. When he'd finally managed to calm down entirely, he started speaking, letting go of his inhibitions. He wanted to be sure he didn't suppress anything. He'd learned the consequences of that.

"I'm so scared of being alive," he said quietly, gripping Leon's biceps. "Especially being alive without Lea. He was the first person to actually make me live, and now that he's not here… it feels like I'm lost. I'm sorry, but I hope you can help me… if you don't mind. I won't use you as a crutch, but I need you to calm me down, at the very least. To remind me that I can live and be happy even if he's not here, and even if I have a lot of shit to clear out of my closet."

"I told you, didn't I? I'll never kick you out. You always have a home with me. We're family."

Sora nodded and shed a few more tears against Leon's chest, slowly regaining his composure. Before he clammed back up, however, he wanted to ask Leon something important.

"This is different, right?" he asked, his voice trembling. "I mean, obviously our relationship is different, but… I'm not just replacing Lea with you, right?"

He looked up at Leon, needing reassurance. He realized that this question had been nagging him from his subconscious the whole time he'd been living with the older brunet, and he needed an honest answer. He knew Leon would give him one.

"I don't think so at all," Leon murmured, patting his head. "I think it would be impossible for you to grow as close with me as you were with him, all relationship factors aside. Honestly, I think that friendship and family and the bonds we create are what's important, and the fact that you're seeking those out openly, all on your own, means that you're already so much more self-sufficient than you were before. Did you do this kind of thing when you were with him?"

Sora shook his head, a small smile curving his lips.

Leon smiled back. "Then it's different. You're not relying on me the way you would have with him. It's like you said, he would have been a crutch, your whole world. With me… well, I'm not your whole world, am I? That might make things a bit awkward."

Sora laughed and shoved Leon away, jumping out of his bed and shaking his head with a smile as he walked to the kitchen. Leon followed close behind and they made breakfast, joking around and laughing the whole time. They spent the rest of the morning seeing customers with the same upbeat spirit, passing the hours in sheer joy. It wasn't until the shop was about to close that the mood changed. Sora sensed it immediately when he heard the sound of an approaching motorcycle and saw the way Leon's face morphed. He glanced at the older brunet, then at the vehicle pulling up to the garage, then back at Leon, gleefully titillated by the fidgety way Leon was wringing the towel in his hands. 'Oh this is good,' Sora thought, bouncing his eyebrows and slipping back under the car he was inspecting. He hoped Leon wouldn't ask him to leave, but he also thought it might be rude of him to eavesdrop considering the obvious tension filling the air. Still, he was too curious to just give in. So curious, in fact, that he had to pop his head back out to get a good look at the guy on the bike. 'Wow, a hottie,' he thought with a snicker, eyeing the muscular blond now approaching Leon. 'Maybe Leon has a crush on this guy.'

The blond smiled a heart-crushing smile and Leon turned a bit red, scratching the back of his head and murmuring something. 'Oh… he definitely has a crush on this guy.' Considering how he might facilitate their relationship, Sora decided to hop out from under the car and put on his best customer-pleasing grin.

"Hiya!" he called, bouncing up to Leon's side and dropping his arm on the taller man's shoulder. He leaned forward and inspected the blond from even closer, still grinning. "Who's this? I've never met this guy before."

"Oh, uh… this is-"

"I'm Cloud," the blond interrupted, smirking at Sora, obviously amused by him. It wasn't surprising that he found it funny. A lot of customers thought it was amusing how different he and Leon were, after all. And Sora got the feeling this guy knew Leon even better than most.

"Well, I'm Sora," he said jovially, extending a hand and giving a quick shake. "I'm Leon's nephew."

"Ah, I see," Cloud said, hiding a snicker behind his hand.

"I know, we're nothing alike," Sora sighed, glancing up at Leon. "He's too stoic for his own good. His customers are happier with me here."

"I can imagine," the blond snorted, biting his lip. However, the amusement drained from him momentarily as he seemed to put a few things together… and Sora wondered, suddenly, how much he knew.

'Oh… maybe he's known Leon for a really long time.'

Indeed, it was soon revealed that Cloud had lived next door to Sora's grandfather and had been one of the few friends Leon had maintained since childhood. Suddenly, Sora didn't feel so bouncy.

With a queasy smile, he cleared his throat. "Um, I'm gonna go inside," he said, turning to Leon with a small wince.

"Hey, Sora, what did I say this morning?" he responded quickly, grabbing him lightly by the arm. He turned to Cloud for a moment as he walked Sora towards the door and quickly muttered something to the effect of "give me a moment" before pulling the smaller brunet fully inside the house.

Sora breathed in slowly once they were in the entrance, trying to alleviate the clenching in his ribs. "I'm sorry," he murmured, managing to calm himself. Then the door opened behind them and Cloud was standing right at his side, his hand falling on his shoulder unexpectedly.

"Hey," he said, squeezing, "I know we're strangers but… will you talk with me? There are some things I think I should say."

Sora looked up at Leon, bewildered, and was taken aback by his expression. His face was set, and his eyes seemed to be saying "this is not the time," but Sora only became more curious after he saw that. Despite his better judgement, he nodded at Cloud and let the guy lead him to the living room and sit him down. Leon followed and sat on the recliner, watching with that same expression as Sora and Cloud took to the couch.

"Let me get straight to the point," the blond started, his hand still on Sora's shoulder, "I didn't know your dad, but I did know the guy who hurt him, because… he was my aunt's husband."

Sora went a little numb, upon hearing this, strangely detached from the idea of his father after all of his confessions the previous night. He speculated about what the reasons for that might be, silently, but couldn't maintain his train of thought as Cloud spoke on.

"The reason he got busted for what he was doing, was because of me. They found out because my aunt caught him doing to me what he did to your father."

Sora's head snapped up, his eyes zeroing in on Cloud. Whatever misgivings he'd been having about the man before, they all dissipated as he looked into the blond's eyes. They were the same eyes he'd worn for years. It was almost like looking into a mirror. The things that had been done to Cloud… they were etched into his gaze, staring back at Sora with glaring recognition. The brunet pressed his lips together and gripped the hand on his shoulder, suddenly understanding everything. And with their arms linked at the hand, he saw the scars they both shared, almost exactly the same. It had been learned… what had been done to him had been learned by his father. It was almost a relief to know, and he found himself strangely unable to shed a tear for once. Instead, there was an odd sinking in his chest, like a stone settling at the bottom of a lake. It was a comfort.

Cloud watched him with a smile. "You're an intuitive kid, aren't you?" the blond chuckled, patting him on the back. "I can see exactly who you are right now. Even though we have different personalities… we're the same, aren't we?" Sora smiled back with a breathy, relieved laugh, nodding his head. Cloud leaned in closer, side-eyeing Leon for a moment with a mirthful smile. "So who's the lucky guy for you, then?"

Sora snickered and put together a few more pieces, realizing that he'd missed the comfort of having a conversation where so much was left unsaid. He hadn't connected with anyone so quickly since Lea, though the tone was different between them. "Well… maybe you'll meet him if you start hanging around," he said, raising an eyebrow. The blond turned a bit red and looked at Leon again, noticing that Sora had figured it out.

Leon just stared at them open-mouthed, obviously not sure what was going on. From an outside perspective, they seemed to have skated right from one point in the conversation to another with almost no words between them. It was baffling for the older brunet, so he just sighed and wandered to the kitchen, shaking his head as Sora and Cloud chuckled and began chatting a bit more normally.

Sora quickly grew attached to the blond, though he was a bit prickly, much like Leon. He found that the gruffness that his uncle displayed was much different from Cloud's haughty stoicism, but he liked them both. It was refreshing to be around such different people. He gathered from Cloud's attitude that Leon was his Lea, and that he'd gone off on his own spiritual journey, only to return with the full intention of getting back with his lover. With this in mind, Sora decided it might be best to invest in some quality earphones. He didn't want to hear Leon having sex, and he didn't want to hear someone he automatically considered a friend doing that either. It was a bit too close for comfort. With that in mind, he asked Leon if he could borrow one of his two spare cars to head into town for supplies, hoping that while he was out they would make up.

He left quickly when he was tossed the keys, noting (with a snicker) the way Cloud and Leon were staring at each other. 'I'd better stay out for like two hours,' he thought, amending that immediately. 'Maybe four.' Laughing to himself, he wondered what kind of relationship they had. He wondered if they'd fought the way he and Lea had. He imagined Leon had pressured Cloud to open up the same way Lea had pressured him, and thought he might ask about the details later… but not from Leon. Cloud seemed more apt to share, since his experiences were obviously very closely matched with Sora's, and the blond definitely wanted to support him since he was in Leon's life. It was a bit funny.

He began to feel a creeping melancholy as he drove, however, and he suddenly realized how much he really missed Lea. Watching his uncle reunite with his own lover only made him feel that much more bereft… but he still wasn't ready. He'd seen the look in Cloud's eyes, and though it had echoed his own, there was still something far removed from where he was. He'd spent a lot more time on himself.

Sora also figured the guy had needed more, really. There was a big difference in personality between them, and there was a big difference between their relationships. As much as there were many points of similarity, there were just some things that really couldn't be compared. Cloud had known Leon his whole life, after all, and Sora had only known Lea a few months. Hardly even that. Plus, Sora was starting to realize that he was the type of person who worked through his problems without much second thought. He needed outside support to do it, but once he'd committed, he could draw on a shockingly massive well of inner strength. It was comforting to know.

He gripped the steering wheel and smiled, renewing his determination even as the sadness sunk in. 'I've let go of what my father did to me,' he thought, glancing at his scars, 'even if the memory of the wounds remains. I think I can move past this. And maybe… I can see Lea again soon.' He felt a few droplets scatter across his cheeks as he blinked, shocked that he was crying. But he was. Violently. The tears were soon falling so heavily he could hardly believe he was capable of producing that many. But he didn't feel the usual wrenching, horrible pain inside as he pulled over and sobbed against the dashboard. Instead, he felt light enough to smile, and light enough to think of Lea fondly. He thought about the same things he had been during his time with Leon. All the tattoos he'd kissed, the way his hair felt in the morning, the way he grinned at Sora after they were done making love, and the slow progress of his hands over the brunet's skin when he lovingly caressed him for seemingly no reason at all. Sora felt a tug in his heart and it was nothing but sweet. He touched his own chest and waited for the tears to fully subside, still thinking of Lea as he began driving again.

His mind became completely absorbed, putting him in a sort of daze as he reached his destination. He bought the earphones he'd gone out for and wandered around a mall, deciding he needed a few hours to let the aftershock of his outpouring in the car wear away. He bought a movie ticket and sat in the back, staring at the screen without registering what was happening at all. He didn't snap out of his trance until the end of the film, when the credits began to roll and he saw a flicker of bright red hair in his periphery. He ignored it, certain it was his imagination, and was glad he didn't get his hopes up when he noted that it was just some random teen… or not.

It was Andrew, Lea's cousin. He stared for a moment just to make sure before moving quickly away. He didn't know why, but he really didn't want to see Andrew. He didn't think he could handle it.

Unfortunately, however, the kid had some kind of super vision and had spotted him darting away. He called out with a shockingly loud voice.

"Sora!?"

Sora paused, going stock still and slowly turning. He realized he probably could have pretended not to hear, but it was too late by then, Andrew's face lit up with recognition and he walked up to the boy he knew only as Lea's friend that he'd eaten breakfast with one time with a broad, shit-eating grin.

"Wow! It's really you!" Andrew said, voice still entirely too loud. Sora wondered if that was a habit of his. The skinny teen slapped him on the shoulder and then shook him a little, obviously unaware of how uncomfortable Sora was. He was already shaking slightly.

"How… how are you, Andrew?" Sora asked warily, trying on a smile. It came out a little off but Andrew didn't seem to notice or mind, still grinning just as wide.

"I'm good man. I'm good," he laughed, shaking him again. "I just can't believe I'm seeing you here. You know, Lea talks about you like every day."

Sora gulped and wrung his hands below eye level, chuckling slightly to deflect from that topic.

Andrew seemed determined to keep it going, however.

"He really does," he continued. "It's like… "Sora this, Sora that. One time, Sora and I…" on and on. It's like he's in love with you." Andrew smiled again and Sora cast his glance to the side, not sure what to do. He was becoming overwhelmed again. He wasn't sure how long he could keep up the act in front of this kid, and he was losing his composure fast.

Fortunately, one of Andrew's friends came to the rescue.

"Oi, Andrew!" the guy yelled, shaking water off of his hands. "Who's this?"

"Oh, my cousin's boyfriend," Andrew said, his tone completely serious… along with his expression.

'Oh,' Sora thought, mentally smacking himself, 'he knew.'

"Ah, so this is Sora eh," the guy chuckled, sticking out his hand to shake. "I'm Brandon. I've heard about you without even wanting to."

Sora gave a nervous wince and shook, glancing at Andrew who was smirking as if he'd won. It looked slightly… malicious. He found out why in the next moment.

"Well I feel like we shouldn't talk to you too long since Andrew here is annoyed that you broke his cousin," Brandon said, obviously only partially joking. "I don't want him being a dick to you since you seem nice enough to me."

Sora's face fell as he glanced up at Lea's cousin again, this time met with a slightly icy stare. He flinched. Then he felt an overwhelming sense of… indignation. Pride. He hadn't felt such things so strongly in a long time. He smiled grimly, noting that it must be a sign of his recovery. Then, he gave Andrew a nasty smirk and yanked his sleeve up to the elbow, brandishing his bared skin for the teen. The reaction he got was as expected: utter shock and horror.

"If you want to think I "broke him" intentionally, that's your business, but why don't you ask him about these before you make that decision," he said, dropping his arm and lifting the hem of his shirt a few inches. "Or these ones, maybe? They were deeper, after all. The others aren't quite as pretty."

Andrew blanched and looked at Sora's stomach, then his face, his mouth opening a bit.

Before he had a chance to say anything more, Sora spun on his heel and walked out, barely casting a glance back to wave goodbye to the innocent Brandon. He felt alright once he was in the car, which shocked him just a bit. He wasn't sure how he'd recovered so quickly, but decided he was just grateful that he had. Maybe it was because he knew that Lea was thinking of him, and that Lea wasn't doing any better than he. Maybe it made him feel like they were equal again. And instead of feeling selfish for thinking that way, Sora smiled, thinking of the day when he'd meet his lover again as he drove back home.

* * *

**End Notes: **In case anyone's worrying about the timeline at all, here's a breakdown:

Sora's dad left home in 1983 (currently age 46). Leon was born in 1984 (currently age 30), and Sora's grandparents adopted him in 1985. His grandma died in 1987, and the story about the molester came out in 1988. Cloud is actually a bit older than Leon, here, and was born in 1981 (currently age 33). Sora was born in 1992 (currently age 22). His mom died and dad ended up in jail in 2004. Sora spends 4 years with foster families before fully running away from home in 2008. He then spends 6 years doing his thing until he meets Lea. So there we are. All caught up in 2014.


	13. Waiting in Vain

**Warning:** Sex, drugs, violence. All the best things. A somber, pretentious atmosphere provided by this girl who thinks she's some kind of writer. Some weirdly gushy bits followed by some attempts at being funny. Song titles as chapter titles, as usual (because I haven't an original bone in my entire body). **TRIGGER WARNING:** rape, psychological abuse, and physical abuse. Please take note. Very important.

**Disclaimer:** I have no imagination, I came up with nothing.

**Title:** Waiting in Vain by Bob Marley

* * *

**Waiting in Vain**

After returning to Leon's house, Sora was glad he'd bought the earphones and that he'd thought to stop for snacks on the way back, because Leon and Cloud were not being discrete at all. After hearing a barely restrained "oh my god" through the wall, Sora snorted and jammed the new earbuds in as deep as they would go, satisfied with how well they blocked out the noise. 'Good thing I got the expensive ones,' he thought, smiling to himself as he lugged his snacks into his room and gently closed the door. He flopped himself onto the bed and sighed as "Hey, Hey What Can I Do" blared right into his eardrums. He thought of Lea again, twirling the cord of his earphones between his fingers and wondering what he should do.

Then, while on the same train of thought from earlier in the night, he got out his box, realizing that there were so many things he might be able to look at now that some of his wounds had scabbed over. He flipped the lid back and stared inside with a pounding heart, slowly removing the ridiculous rolls of cash one after another to reveal a sparse number of trinkets sitting underneath. There was one particularly gleaming piece that he went for first: his mother's necklace. It had been around her neck when she'd died, and Sora remembered clutching onto it as he passed out in her arms, the only thing left to comfort him as the woman's final breaths came and went. The rest came a lot easier, as it held less significance; the business card the kind old woman he'd met had given him years before, a beautiful stone an elderly, bearded magician had given him on the street, a keychain Joann's ward Breanna had gifted him in a random act of kindness, and, finally, Leon's number, now on a crumpled piece of paper hardly befitting its place in the box. He removed it and tossed it in the trashcan, knowing now that he wouldn't need it in writing. Partially because it was saved in his cell phone, but mostly because he never planned to lose contact with Leon anyways. He felt happy, at that, but quickly became distracted by something unfamiliar sitting inside of his box.

It was a slip of paper, similar to the one he'd just thrown away. He was cautious of what he might find on it, so it took him a moment to unfurl it and read what was written. But when he did, his stomach dropped, and he began to tear up all over again. It was ten digits, and next to it, there was a simple "L." It was unmistakably Lea's handwriting. Sora knew it well. It was surprisingly neat for how disheveled and wild "Axel" had always seemed, so it had stuck out to the brunet the few times he'd seen it. Now, it stuck out for a different reason; his heart pounded willfully under his ribs, egging him on, rousing his emotions he thought he'd escaped earlier in the night once more. He desperately wanted to call that number, and he desperately wanted to see Lea. But… he was nervous. 'What if I see him and find out it was still too early and that I'm still not self-sufficient enough to do this?' That thought came and went and Sora, with a determined heart, decided his own answer: he wasn't going to let his life be designated by anyone but himself. If he wanted to be ready, he would be ready. He had that control. At least, he did now.

With a yearning gulp and trembling hands, he fumbled around for his cell phone, finding it buried in his sheets as usual. He unplugged his earphones from Lea's old iPod for a moment, then jammed them into the jack on his cell phone. His mind raced as he started dialing the number, and before he knew it, he was a frantic mess all over again. He shook nonstop as the phone rang and rang…

And then clicked. He was connected.

He expected, momentarily, for it to be Lea's aunt, or Andrew, or his uncle, but instead it was-

"Sora?" the voice was hopeful, but guardedly. It was bit ragged around the edges, but… oh. So goddamn sweet.

"Lea," Sora mumbled, smiling through his tears. "It's me."

"Oh my god, Lea, are you _still_ holding out for-?" It was Andrew's voice on the other end, quickly cut off by Lea.

"Shut up it's him this time! Get out of here." Sora heard a door slam, then some rustling, and waited for the right words to come to him. There seemed to be too much and too little to say all at once. There was nothing he could convey over the phone that he really wanted to say. He couldn't say it without seeing Lea's face… But it didn't matter, in the end, because before he had a chance to speak, Lea started up again, obviously shaken. "Sora… I'm- I'm really glad you finally noticed, or… uh- decided to call… Really…"

"I miss you," Sora whispered, unnerved at how quickly those words popped out of his mouth. "I miss you so much."

"I miss you too," Lea responded, his voice wavering. "Fuck. I really do, Sora. It hurts more than I thought it would… even more…"

"I know, I'm sorry, I know," Sora sobbed, burying his face in his pillow. "I'm so sorry. I want to see you so badly. I've thought about coming to see you… every day. I think about you nonstop."

"I didn't even realize you were in the state until today," Lea murmured, sniffling. "When Andrew told me he ran into you, I wished I'd gone with him to the movies… you're so close, after all. I thought you'd… go farther."

"I'll explain… I'll explain when I see you. I want to see you."

"Can you come now?"

"Yes. I want you… Give me the address-"

"No, we can't meet here," Lea murmured, his breathing heavy. "There's interference here… can I-?"

"Not here, either," Sora breathed. "My uncle is fucking his boyfriend."

Lea laughed and sniffled again, silent for a moment.

"Well… I don't care what happens, as long as I get to see you, Sora. Please… just come meet me… Will you?"

Sora nodded vehemently, then said yes, standing and grabbing the keys to Leon's spare car again. He jogged out to it while still on the phone with Lea, unable to let go yet.

"Where?"

Lea gave an address and Sora reluctantly hung up, punching the information into his phone's GPS and driving with reckless abandon, his heart pounding furiously the entire time. When he got there, he didn't even hesitate, he was out of the car in less than a second and sprinting towards Lea.

Their mouths met before the rest of them could catch up, the hot press of their tongues eliciting gasps from both boys. Sora shoved his hand into Lea's hair and yanked him closer as the lanky redhead squeezed him painfully, their hips pressed together with absolutely no room for movement. Lea didn't hesitate to slip his hand down the back of Sora's pants, his fingers pressing suggestively as he bit and sucked down the brunet's neck. Sora moaned and ground himself against Lea, his eyes hooded when he looked up at the redhead. They stared at each other like that for quite some time, just absorbing that they really were together again, in that moment. Sora bumped his nose against Lea's, nuzzling gently. The charged air between them mounted as Sora pressed an unwontedly slow, chaste kiss on the redhead's lips, teasing just a bit before opening his mouth to allow Lea to devour him.

"Can we?" Lea breathed, nudging him with his fingers more. "I was going to say we should… do it in my car, but there's a hotel nearby… come with me."

"Yes," Sora whispered, biting the redhead's earlobe. He gasped as he was immediately hoisted up and shoved into the passenger seat, half-stoned and incredibly distracted as Lea drove them to a nearby cheap motel, just like the good old days. Once they were checked in, their passion reignited, sending them careening towards the bed.

"I want you so bad," Sora said, speaking directly into his ear, wrapping his arms tight around his neck. "Fuck me."

Lea shuddered and licked his lips, staring down at Sora with hungry eyes. "Goddamn that's what I wanted to hear," he murmured, slowly dragging up Sora's shirt and sucking at his skin, dipping his tongue into the brunet's belly button. He teased him languorously, belying the urgency with which they had previously attacked one another. He bit Sora's nipples gently, sending a shiver down the smaller man's spine as he arched up. He kissed him all over, leaving hickeys on his collarbone. He caressed every inch of skin he revealed, kissing the brunet deeply and sucking on his tongue. But Sora needed more. He was straining already, an uncomfortable wetness building in his underwear.

"Lea, please," he moaned, yanking on the taller man's ears. "It's been too long and I haven't even been able to masturbate all this time…" The redhead grinned mischievously and continued to plant kisses all over Sora's body, laughing when Sora produced a small bottle of lube. "Put it in me, dammit," the brunet demanded.

Lea's eyes went darker at that, and he finally stripped off the rest of Sora's clothes, kissing the insides of his thighs hungrily. He rubbed the brunet's cock slowly, spreading around his precum and smiling at the way his partner moaned.

"Oh, fuck," Sora gasped, his body jerking. He bit his lip and watched Lea move his mouth closer and closer along his inner thigh, his whole body trembling. The redhead paused when he reached the edge of his groin, suddenly pushing Sora's legs together so he was on his side before licking his entrance. Sora let out a small cry, biting his knuckle as Lea's tongue probed at him and his finger slipped inside, rubbing just right. He was already on the verge of coming by the time Lea had stretched him out, his moans growing louder each time the redhead rubbed that spot with familiar precision, taking him higher. Then, with a smile, he did it one last time, swirling his tongue and pressing up against that spot with his fingers, panting and staring as Sora stroked himself to orgasm. He spread the brunet's legs again to get a better view, still rubbing inside gently.

Sora arched back and let out a series of needy "ah" noises, releasing a bit onto his stomach before Lea leaned down and took him in his mouth, swallowing the rest. Even after coming so intensely, Sora was still hard, and he felt hypersensitive inside Lea's mouth. His body jerked, both at the fingers inside and the warm, wetness of Lea's mouth. He had had enough.

"Put. It. In." he panted, using his foot to push Lea back by the shoulder.

The redhead smirked in satisfaction, slowly withdrawing his fingers and replacing it with the tip of his cock. He pressed in bit by bit, enjoying the view as Sora writhed under him. As usual, this was the moment he lost control and was pushed down by the brunet. He groaned as Sora shoved him away and got on his knees, dropping his chest to the mattress and looking back demandingly. "Like this," the brunet panted, spreading himself as he trembled, his cheeks flushed. "Enter me."

"Oh, god," Lea panted, grabbing one hip and guiding himself inside impatiently. Sora moaned as the redhead pulled back and thrust in harshly, his movements soon becoming erratic. The brunet cried out without restraint, eventually rolling back over so he could kiss Lea mercilessly, sloppily. They moved together with such force it felt like they might leave bruises.

Over and over they connected, unable to stop once they'd reopened that floodgate. Sora reveled in the nostalgic tingle of their skin together, of Lea's hair, of the smell of his sweat. He tasted his skin and shivered, wishing he had more time to kiss his lover everywhere. He made a mental note to spend an entire day doing so when they reunited in full.

When they'd finally run out of energy entirely, they collapsed in a tight embrace, Lea's mouth finding Sora's immediately and refusing to leave it for another hour. Their tongues and chins became so sore and tired Sora knew he'd have trouble eating the next day, but he didn't care. He would have done it more if he could.

"Sora," Lea murmured, running his hands through the brunet's hair, "I want to tell you something."

"Mmm, yes?" Sora purred, closing his eyes and leaning into the touch.

"I love you… I'm in love with you."

His eyes popped open, then. He took a moment to process what he'd heard, and the way his lover's voice had wavered with emotion. He took a moment to quietly laugh and rub away his tears as the man he loved kissed his forehead. He grinned and sobbed and looked a mess for a moment as he realized that Lea had really just told him he loved him, and then he kissed the redhead hard and breathed the words right back into his mouth. "I love you too. I love you so much. I have for awhile now. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

Lea shook his head, smiling and shedding tears of his own. "I understand why you didn't. It's okay. It doesn't matter."

"God, I miss you," Sora groaned, squeezing his eyes shut and pressing their foreheads together. He kissed Lea slowly, again, harder. He buried his face in his neck and breathed in his scent. And it was so comfortable, so nostalgic, that he was lulled right to sleep, carried along by his exhaustion and the warmth of being in Lea's arms.

Consequently, they both woke up in a familiar state of agonizing stickiness, and the intensity of the ache in their muscles did nothing to help the situation. But rather than feeling irritated, Sora smiled at his discomfort, settling his hands on Lea's chest and resting his chin on top of them to watch the redhead wake up. As soon as his eyes popped open, the taller man grabbed Sora's face hard, kissing him roughly.

"Cliche as this sounds," he murmured, licking the brunet's lips, "I thought maybe I'd dreamed last night up in my desperation."

Sora chuckled and kissed him back, sucking his bottom lip for a moment before succumbing to the pain in his jaw muscles. He made a face and opened and closed his mouth a few times, wincing.

"We overdid it," he grumbled, flopping down on Lea's chest again. "I hurt fucking **everywhere**."

"I know," the redhead responded, ruffling down his hair, "I'm sorry."

"Well I think it's punishment enough knowing that you're also sore."

"Yeah, but I wasn't the one getting plowed into for hours on end."

Lea gave a dashing grin, bouncing his eyebrows as Sora squished his face with one hand.

"Oh, how vulgar you are about our lovemaking," he laughed, rolling away slowly to go to the bathroom. Instead of showering, he decided they should soak away their pain a bit, and invited Lea into the bath with him. They were too exhausted, still, to fool around, so Sora simply lay nestled in the redhead's arms until the water cooled, contemplating what his next step should be.

As if reading his thoughts, Lea, straightforward as ever, questioned Sora about this very subject.

"Are you going to go back to your uncle?" he said, helping Sora out of the bath and drying his hair with a towel. "I mean… I'm just honestly asking. It's your decision to make, of course. I won't try to talk you out of, or into anything."

"I… well…" Sora looked up from under the towel, wrapping his arms around Lea's chest. "It's not the same. I want to… spend today figuring things out with you, if you're not busy."

Lea nodded and smiled fondly, kissing his forehead. "Well I know what we should do then, since you've been out in the boonies this whole time."

Sora gave him a curious look, but didn't ask, figuring he'd be happy no matter what they did. He was just glad to be back with the man he loved, and to feel… so light. He realized, suddenly, that he'd never felt that way before with "Axel." There had always been a problem of some sort burdening him, or burdening their relationship, but now, something — be it his personal growth, or Lea's change in attitude — was changing things between them. With just that, he became ecstatic at the mere concept of the future.

Beaming as he was, Lea looked a little creeped out and covered his face with a towel, laughing as the brunet cursed at him and chased him out of the bathroom, using the towel to whip him repeatedly until they both had to give in to their soreness.

"Ugh," Sora groaned, "never again."

Lea nodded in agreement as he wincingly tried to pull his pants on, wobbling like an old man to grab the rest of his clothing. He helped Sora into his clothes afterwards, noting that the brunet was in significantly worse shape than he from their activities.

When they were finished getting ready, they checked out and returned to the spot Sora had parked Leon's car. Sora had left his cell inside, and was sure Leon had called him at least a few times to make sure he was okay. As expected, there were several missed calls, a voicemail, and two texts, all of which were from Leon. And he was seemed pretty worried.

Guiltily, Sora called the house, grinning when Cloud answered.

"Can you either put your boyfriend on the phone, or tell him I'm alive and fine?" he said, his wry tone obviously bothering the blond.

"I'll put him on, you little brat," he responded. Sora could tell he was smirking, despite his icy voice, and snickered, waiting to talk to his uncle.

When he was certain the phone had been passed over, he immediately started apologizing and explaining, speaking so quickly Leon didn't even have a chance to interject.

"Sora," the older brunet sighed, probably a bit frustrated after listening to a minute long list of excuses. "It's fine. You're an adult. But don't let me worry like that in the future, if possible."

He promised he wouldn't, then explained that he'd probably be out for another night, peeking over at Lea as he blushed. "Should I bring the car back before that?"

"You don't have to," Leon grumbled, "but if you have the chance… only because I don't want it to break down on you. I'm not really worried about the car but it is a piece of junk, and I'm nervous that you'll end up stranded in it."

Sora smiled, realizing then that he'd be able to introduce Lea. He didn't want it to be a long visit because he already had mysterious plans with the redhead, but it was kind of exciting to consider. He wondered how they would react to one another and decided that the curiosity would kill him if they didn't go.

"We're gonna come drop it off, then," Sora said, glancing at Lea once more who nodded back. "So I'll see you in… awhile."

"Alright…"

They hung up and Lea headed for his own car, both parting from each other reluctantly despite how short a period of time they'd be spending apart. Thus, when they reached Leon's house, the two felt the need to link hands and hug for a moment to reestablish that they'd indeed had their kind-of reconciliation. It was during this idiotic scene that Cloud gleefully interrupted the two of them, clearing his throat with a smirk as he leaned against the doorframe.

"My turn to laugh now," he snickered, sticking his tongue out childishly. "Couldn't even handle an hour apart?"

Unashamed, Sora grinned back and squeezed Lea's face. "Look how cute he is though. Wouldn't anyone miss this mug?"

Cloud shook his head with a snort and beckoned them inside, half-assedly introducing himself as they went.

Lea seemed fidgety in the guy's presence, but became even more overwhelmed upon seeing Leon posted in the living room. He had his usual stoic expression on, which didn't help any. Still, he managed to speak without any problem in the end.

"You must be Lea," Leon grunted, offering his hand. "I've heard of you."

"You know, I would say 'I hope only good things,' but I can't exactly expect that considering what Sora and I used to get up to."

Leon smirked and crossed his arms over his chest, glancing him over once. "You don't look quite the way I expected."

Lea looked at Sora questioningly. "What does that mean?" he asked, directing it more at his lover than at Leon.

Sora realized then that Lea wasn't dressed in all black for the first time… ever. He was shocked that he hadn't noticed it earlier.

"Wow, you're wearing colors," he said, popping up the strap of his tank top with one finger. "I didn't get a good look before."

"That better be all it means," he grumbled, pouting.

Sora laughed and kissed him on the cheek without thinking, rubbing the back of his neck. "Whatever, you're the cockiest person I know you little bitch. This wouldn't even bruise your massive ego."

Lea made a phony "pshaw" noise and smiled, snapping back to reality a moment later as Leon cleared his throat.

"Well we've already made ourselves look like an idiot couple in front of your uncle and his boyfriend," he joked, blushing slightly, "so maybe we should leave while we're ahead."

"I guess you're right," Sora laughed, grabbing his hand and heading for the door. "Sorry to duck out so quickly."

Leon shrugged. "I'm sure you have plenty to discuss." He looked like he was in exactly the same boat as Cloud stared at him, so Sora shoved his own boyfriend out the door in a rush, happy to be alone with him once more.

"Alright," he said, sighing, "so what are these mystery plans of yours?"

Lea turned to him and grinned, leading him to the car and speeding off.

"It's nothing all that special or mysterious," he said, gripping Sora's hand as he drove. "I just want to show you the city. You've never been, have you?"

Sora shook his head and smiled, excited to really see Portland. "Should we get the heavy stuff out of the way during the drive, then?" he murmured, squeezing Lea's fingers. "It might ruin the mood later."

"I guess…"

"Okay," Sora said quietly, preparing to launch into his story for the second time in one week. It hit him, then, how crazy it was that he was sharing it with Lea after everything. It almost made him nervous.

But the gentle pressure of his lover's thumb across the back of his hand gave him all the comfort he needed, so he spoke once more, and he knew he was ready. This would be the last time.


	14. Good Mistake

**Warning:** Sex, drugs, violence. All the best things. A somber, pretentious atmosphere provided by this girl who thinks she's some kind of writer. Some weirdly gushy bits followed by some attempts at being funny. Song titles as chapter titles, as usual (because I haven't an original bone in my entire body). **TRIGGER WARNING:** rape, psychological abuse, and physical abuse. Please take note. Very important.

**Disclaimer:** I have no imagination, I came up with nothing.

**Title:** Good Mistake by Mr. Little Jeans

* * *

**Good Mistake**

"God," Lea mumbled, covering his mouth with one hand as he drove.

Sora just stared out the window and nodded, feeling strangely relaxed.

"God," Lea said again, shaking his head. Sora turned and wiped away the tear now streaming down the redhead's face, kissing him behind the ear.

"It's okay."

"It's not fucking okay," the taller man choked, gripping the steering wheel tighter. "After you left I thought I couldn't feel any worse about trying to force you to open up to me, but now that I-" He trailed off and continued to shake his head and cry, silently chewing on his lip. "I'm so sorry-"

"Shut up, Lea," Sora murmured gently, kissing him on the lips and tugging back his hair. "No more apologizing, please. I've had enough of all of these emotional highs and lows between us. A lot of what happened to me still haunts me, and probably will for some time yet, but I won't hide from you anymore. I won't feel nervous about you becoming the center of my world, because I have confidence in my ability to heal without relying on you. And I want to move forward with you without any feelings of guilt about the past. Just leave it behind, okay?"

The redhead nodded and breathed out slowly between his lips, settling down some as Sora wiped away the rest of his tears. "I love you," he said, kissing the other boy while he was still close enough.

Sora smiled and kissed him back with fervor, sliding his tongue against his partner's thoughtlessly. Lea made a noise into the brunet's mouth and pulled back a little, smiling. "No making out while I'm driving."

They both chuckled and decided that was probably for the best, and started to address a different issue altogether.

"What will we do… in the future?" Lea asked, looking at Sora for a moment. "What do you _want_ to do?"

Sora stared at his hands for a moment, contemplating what he wanted. He certainly didn't want to go back to being apart from Lea, not in the way he had been, at least. And he _definitely_ didn't want to go back to Vegas. But he wasn't sure what it was he desired as an alternative to those things. He didn't know how to plan for his future quite yet, he only had a few vague ideas like "stay together with Lea." He felt so irresolute. Still, he would make at least that much clear to Lea. He needed to.

"I want to stay with you," he said finally, gripping the redhead's hand. "I mean… whatever else happens, I don't care. I just want to be together with you."

Lea nodded and bit his lip, clearly trying to keep his cool. Sora just laughed and told him to pull over, giving his partner some time to crawl into the back with him and let his emotions run free. They lay for nearly an hour, just kissing each other and crying softly as they reaffirmed their feelings over and over. It was sickeningly sweet, and it melted Sora to the core. He hadn't felt so relaxed and settled and loved in his entire life, and he didn't want that feeling to end. Cheesy as it felt, he wanted to stay in Lea's arms forever.

However, they still had other things to discuss, and they still needed to see Portland. Sora insisted stubbornly on that, pouting when Lea suggested that they ditch the plan entirely.

"Now that you've put it in my head I really want to go today," he said, taking over the wheel for the remainder of the trip.

"Well I'm fine with whatever you want to do," Lea chuckled. "It'll give me time to tell you the important things you missed while we were apart."

"Like what?"

"For starters, I've been training to work at my uncle's software company for the past two weeks," he said, leaning against Sora's shoulder. "And I'm starting there soon despite my lack of qualifications."

"Holy shit, you're really planning for the future now," Sora laughed.

"Yeah, well… he's been saying I should work there for years since I was taught all about the work after they took me in," he continued. "I guess I'm lucky I have connections…"

He paused, glancing up at Sora meaningfully. "After I've been there a few years, I should have some money saved up," he murmured, gripping the brunet's hand. "And when I do… will you live with me?"

Sora could not have been more overjoyed at the prospect. Hearing that Lea was planning for the future, and that he was planning for a future with both of them in it… he was happy. Really, genuinely happy. He smiled.

"I think we can find a place sooner than that," he said quietly, kissing Lea's hand. "I have all those dirty rolls of cash, after all."

Lea sniffled and nodded against his shoulder without a word, too overwhelmed to speak. Sora continued to smile as he drove and thought of where they'd live together. If they'd choose a place in McMinnville near Lea's aunt and uncle. If he'd want to buy any of the places available, or if he'd be reluctant to settle down, when the time came. He wondered what Lea was thinking about, as he pondered these details. But he didn't want to disturb him, so he kept silent, enjoying the harmony between them and leaving the particulars for the future.

He felt freed from so much just by being with Lea in that moment, and he felt even better when they reached Portland. It was already late, so they didn't stay long. They just wandered and enjoyed the ambience of the city. They ate at a small, unassuming restaurant and held hands when they thought no one was looking. All-in-all, it was a pretty typical date, but it felt like so much more to Sora, whose chest was uncharacteristically full. There was a moment where he remembered how he used to cram things into the corners of his mind and "forget" them, and it felt so surreal. All those things had since become a part of him, freed from where they'd been stowed away and changed into something he could no longer ignore. It didn't matter, though. There wasn't a chasm inside of him. There was nothing waiting to swallow him in the dark, and there was nothing burdening him. Not for now, anyways.

He'd filled up the hole inside him, and he hadn't even noticed it happening. There was an impenetrable light, now, where he could keep bright shining moments with his friends and loved ones. And there was an inherent strength alongside that light, keeping the darkness from overwhelming him. He had everything he needed to live. All he had to do was take the next step forward, hand-in-hand with the person he loved.


	15. Everyday Will Be Like a Holiday

**Warning:** Sex, drugs, violence. All the best things. A somber, pretentious atmosphere provided by this girl who thinks she's some kind of writer. Some weirdly gushy bits followed by some attempts at being funny. Song titles as chapter titles, as usual (because I haven't an original bone in my entire body). **TRIGGER WARNING:** rape, psychological abuse, and physical abuse. Please take note. Very important.

**Disclaimer:** I have no imagination, I came up with nothing.

**Title:** Everyday Will Be Like a Holiday by William Bell

* * *

**Everyday Will Be Like a Holiday**

Sora had been well groomed by a hard life.

He was well aware of this, but he would no longer let it control him under the guise of "utilizing" what his troubles had taught him. He no longer hustled or cheated or sold his body. He no longer pretended he was happy until he inevitably broke down and spiraled out of control. He no longer drank his days and nights away in an attempt to drown out the constant thrum of hurt pounding through his veins. He no longer pushed away his past, or let it grow until it became an endless chasm. He just _was_. He existed. Neither perfect nor completely happy, but content to move forward and live genuinely.

He worked at Leon's auto shop for a month longer, bringing in more and more business with his effervescent charm, the true light inside of him shining through for the first time in his 22 years. He cherished his happiness. He cherished the moments in which he was able to make another person smile or laugh as the sun warmed his skin and the bustle of his workplace filled him with a quiet satisfaction. And he especially cherished how normal his everyday life was. He cherished the companionship, the love, and the tender affection he received. He thought of the positivity that surrounded him. He felt it in everything he did.

And even in the dead of night when the darkness returned and felt unbearable, he would be laying next to the man he loved. His body would be enveloped in a gentle pair of arms and his tears would fall against a bare chest as he was pulled close against it. He would taste the salt and sigh, and quietly whisper what was troubling him until there were no tears left. The soothing hands on his back would remain until he fell into a deep slumber, and he would awaken to find that the hole inside of him had grown a little bit shallower. It no longer lurked, ready to drown him in filth.

Everything was finally (really) going fine.

Lea started working at his uncle's company and got his first paycheck. And, meager as it was, he insisted he would be the one to cover utilities and other expenses when they finally got a place. He wanted to participate financially so he didn't feel so useless. It would be Sora's money they'd be using to buy a house, after all. And though some of it had been earned with his help, the redhead was a little miffed about how unequal this part of their relationship felt. He complained about it whenever he got the chance, trying to convince Sora that they should wait until he'd saved enough to cover half of the price.

But in the end, the brunet won with a simpering "but I can't wait that long" and they bought a place four blocks from Lea's aunt and uncle's house. It was difficult to swing with how little credit Lea had built up (since his credit card was fraudulent and he'd only been working for two months), but the owners were desperate to sell for a higher price than most people were willing to pay, and they could pay the full amount in cash. Thus, they moved in as soon as it was finalized. Neither of them owned much, so it was a quick process, immediately followed by a shopping trip to buy second-hand furniture and move it around the house for hours until they were satisfied.

Too tired to do anything else, they passed out on their bed (the one that they owned together, finally) and woke up sweaty and uncomfortable and grimy and sore. However, despite their physical state, they basked in the feeling of being in a place they could call their own. A place that they could share, together. It seemed to signify a grand shift in what had otherwise been a rocky relationship, at best. They had graduated from their perpetual state of nihilistic, dispassionate disaffection and had embraced their new propensity for floating blissfully through life. It should have been too sweet for the fiery Lea, but he'd grown to appreciate a slow smolder over a quick-spitting flame. And it should have been too uneventful for the turbocharged Sora, but he found the small moments more engaging than the grandiose displays he'd become so inured to in the past. It was more than stimulating enough living with his lover.

He and Lea became shockingly domestic as time passed. Sora, never having had an outlet for his energy other than drinking, sex, and swindling, found out that he enjoyed a great number of things he'd been unable to even consider trying in the past. He started cooking ridiculous things, trying his hand at dishes way out of his skill range and sometimes producing something half-edible. He started building things, too, finding that working with his hands suited him best. However, it was all just a way of distracting from the fact that he had nothing to do. He had grown used to working in Leon's shop, and though he'd wanted to continue despite their distance, it was too much hassle driving all the way out to the middle of nowhere for something that was ultimately just a hobby.

Much to his relief, however, Cloud came unwittingly to the rescue. He'd moved in after being reunited with Leon, and he had some strong opinions about where they were living. Consequently, Leon was easily coerced into busting open his savings and relocating his business (and home) to a much busier locale. Namely, the same town as Lea and Sora.

This gave the brunet, his sort-of-uncle, and his sort-of-uncle's boyfriend _plenty_ to do, and they all spent the better part of a month schlepping the contents of Leon's house and business to the new address.

Once the task was finished and Sora settled back into his job assisting at the shop, life became even more settled and ordinary than before; exactly as he wanted it. He and Lea often met up with Leon and Cloud for dinners or just to chat. They made friends with their neighbors and thought about how they'd spend their holidays. They became perfectly suburban.

Only very occasionally would they fight, dredging up memories of when they'd been set adrift in the tossing waves of life by circumstance and pain. Their arguments, however, were never so explosive or hurtful. They left little wounds here and there, sticking like thorns and drawing mere drops of blood. But it was nothing like the past when they'd bring everything spilling forth as though they'd hit a vein.

In fact, after one such fight, Lea brought up one of their altercations of the past with a laugh as they were making up, suddenly struck by how much things could change within the span of just a few months.

"Remember when you almost drove us into oncoming traffic because I called you a coward and then we had that ridiculously over-dramatized, roadside makeup?" he shook his head with a chuckle, pulling Sora close against his chest. "How come we're not making up outside with all the tears and the screaming and the almost physical violence?"

Sora made a comical frown. "I don't want our neighbors to see that shit. You know how quickly we'd be outcasts in this neighborhood? Bunch of pansy cracker bitches are living around us."

"Sora, you do know you're pretty much completely tamed at this point, right?" Lea laughed, flinching away from the playful smack aimed at his shoulder.

The brunet stuck out his tongue and kissed his boyfriend on the cheek with a sigh. "You know what I mean."

He did, and that was a weird feeling, for some reason. He supposed it must have something to do with that feeling of "difference" again. Everything was so different. There was no need to pull a knife on a stranger just because he looked threatening. There was no need for smashing someone's teeth with a billiards ball or breaking a wrist to avoid being injured. And there was no booze, really, which was more or less the main cause of all that violence. .

Sora grimaced and chuckled simultaneously as he considered all the same things Lea was thinking about, staring up at the redhead's face.

"It's fucked up that I've only known you like a year but whenever I look at you I think about all the shit I used to do in the past," he snorted.

"Whaaat?" Lea frowned. "Is that all you think when you look at me?"

"Well of course not," he murmured, rolling his eyes, "but, again, you know what I mean. I get nostalgic sometimes, and it only really happens when you're around… despite how long I spent without you."

Lea thought about that for a long time, then smiled and kissed Sora several times in quick succession. "I've decided that that must be a good thing." He paused, then raised his finger matter-of-factly. "Even though you think of negative things only around me, it still means that I was a big enough part of your life to eat up all that negative shit from the past and become some sort of hyper-condensed target onto which you've projected all of your memories… or something… whatever. It means I'm important."

Sora bit his lip and kept silent as he laughed, shaking his head and clinging onto Lea as the redhead questioned him endlessly about why he found it so funny. Honestly, he felt like crying… just a bit.

Because it occurred to him, as it tended to occasionally, that Lea was _the_ most important thing that had ever happened to him. The most important thing in his life. He could definitively say that his boyfriend was the thing he cherished most, the person he would always put first, and the first thing he thought about with the start of each day. He felt he'd found the person he cared about just as much as he cared about himself, and it was frightening and overwhelming but mostly just intensely sweet. It burned in his chest and intoxicated him like a strong liquor. He was drowning in love, and he finally felt alright accepting that.

"I love you," he murmured, pulling back to look Lea in the face and kiss him slowly. "I've never loved anything more than you."

He saw Lea's adam's apple bob and stroked back his hair, clutching the boy's hand as he broke down into a soft fit of tears. He watched and kissed them away as much as he could, smiling because he knew that Lea was just overwhelmed. He knew that sometimes it was love and compassion that broke the redhead down the most. He always reminded himself of how much Lea had been through in his life to get to the point he'd finally reached, and reminded himself of how lucky they both were, and how much it must still weigh on his lover. The peace was never uninterrupted by memories… by the reverberating ache of the past.

It would always be there with them, even as they stepped forward into the future. 'At least,' Sora thought, smiling and stroking back his crying boyfriend's tangled locks, 'we'll be here for each other in these moments. At least we'll always have _home_.'

He decided this with finality: Lea was his place of rest. Lea was his home. And that was all he'd ever really asked for. All he'd ever really needed. Home. He didn't know whether to weep along with Lea, or shout for joy as he was swept up in his emotions, but he knew that everything was exactly as it needed to be.

And that was only the beginning; the beginning of a new chapter.


	16. Extra: The High Road

**Warning:** Sex, drugs, violence. All the best things. A somber, pretentious atmosphere provided by this girl who thinks she's some kind of writer. Some weirdly gushy bits followed by some attempts at being funny. Song titles as chapter titles, as usual (because I haven't an original bone in my entire body). **TRIGGER WARNING:** rape, psychological abuse, and physical abuse. Please take note. Very important.

**Disclaimer:** I have no imagination, I came up with nothing.

**Title:** The High Road by Broken Bells

****Izzy** would like you to note:** Why do I always write Leon chapters in first person? I have no idea. So far I'm 2 for 2 here though (there's a first person Leon chapter in Secret Longing as well), so there's obviously something to it...

* * *

**The High Road**

I was born in 1984 and abandoned just five months later by my mother and father. A couple I never bothered to learn anything about… probably due to resentment, or some lingering doubt, or… maybe just because I felt like it would only pack salt into an open wound. Whatever the reason, I know basically nothing about my biological parents. The people I do know about, are my real parents. More accurately, I guess you could say "parent" (singular) because I never knew my mother all that well. She died when I was 3, so it's fairly certain that my memories are tinged with a sort of childish need. They're all sweet, nostalgic impressions. Hazy, as they've faded with age. But each and every one has the same comforting scent and feel, and they trick me into believing that I knew and loved her as much as anyone else.

My father is a different story. I have the same nostalgic tidbits of him floating around from my time as a small child, but more of my opinions of him became cemented in my early adolescence. He was wonderful, always. To me, he was everything I aspired to be, and I think I modeled myself after him for quite some time until I found who I truly was. There were a lot of scars to earn — both psychologically and physically — in between, but none ever compared to what happened before I lost him… and when he finally did pass.

That was when I found out about Sora. That's when everything became a haze. I had never been rebellious, even in high school when I was being pressured nonstop, I had no interest in much of what my peers seemed to enjoy so thoroughly. But during that span of years, I drank and smoked and used almost any drug I could get my hands on. I got into a dangerous physical relationship with Cloud only to ruin it by confessing that I loved him. I wrecked a lot of things and engaged in a lot of petty fights, and all because I couldn't handle the reality of what had happened to this one boy… my nephew.

It only hurt all the more knowing that I could have saved him.

It started when I was just 15. My dad had only talked about my "brother" occasionally, and I knew it was a sore spot, so I rarely prodded. But I also knew that he wanted to know where the guy was no way he would ever find him on his own, so I took the time to do it myself.

I didn't track him down until 3 years later, when dad's health started declining. I thought it might lift his spirits if he knew his biological son was safe and content. I thought I was going to find a peaceful, happy family when I drove to Vegas and confronted the man who had abandoned his parents so long ago… not the fucking train wreck I encountered when I finally got around to it.

I saw the house… and I knew. The neighborhood and the look of it were telling enough. So I hung around for a few days, scrounging up information about the guy, seeing what I could see. It took hardly any time for me to find out a multitude of awful things. He was a drug dealer, a crook, and a hustler. I also found out he had a son. A young boy. I knew, more than anything, that I wanted to save that boy. No matter what, he had to be taken away from that man. I didn't even know about the rape or the torture or the drugs being pumped into him back then. I didn't even know my "brother" was pimping his own son out to other disgusting men. If I had, I never would have left the way I did.

Sure, I went to the guy's home and beat the living shit out of him. I even tried to bust down the door and take that kid. But before I knew it the cops were there and I was in a cell screaming about a child I didn't even know living in a house with a drug dealer. I'd seen him — malnourished and waifish, standing in an upstairs window with a face that screamed "please let it be the end." I'd tasted bile when I'd gotten a glimpse of that face and, between punches, turned to look at the man who'd decided to raise his child that way. That boy looked no more than 6 years old. I was told he was 10.

Cloud came and bailed me out two days after the incident, and the cops were obviously so nonchalant and corrupt that they never delved further into what was happening to Sora. They didn't even try to ask my "brother" if he wanted to press charges. They didn't do anything, and Sora eluded me. I wanted to try again to take him, to do something to save him, but as soon as I returned home my dad's health took yet another turn for the worse. He was dying, and that took precedence. I almost forgot Sora altogether as I drowned in sorrow, watching the only family I'd ever known drift away.

That was when I made the mistake of telling Cloud I loved him. That's when Cloud left town for good and made no promise of coming back. And that's the night my father died. Within the span of a week, I lost everything, and I, too, took to the road. I was left everything, but I couldn't stand to look at the house or the cars or my dad's tools. Especially considering that even looking out the window forced me to confront Cloud's family home and its lack of him within it. So I took to the road and tried to forget, to drown it out, to die.

My stupidity passed, however, and I found myself packing everything I had left to remember my father and moving. I started up a shop with the inheritance I'd been left (a surprisingly hefty sum) and hoped I could live well enough without the comfort of other human beings. I hoped I would be okay for a few years longer, at least. And then I saw the news… news about a heavyweight drug dealer going down in Vegas. News about the trials, the suicide of his wife, and the child he'd left behind scarred, terrified, and traumatized beyond repair.

I used Sora to fuel me on when that time came, even though I was half-dead already. When I started tracking him down again, it gave me a reason to cling on just a bit longer, even if everything else felt like shit. Finding out that his father was a fucking incestuous pedophile pimping out his own son hit hard. Knowing about everything that had happened to Cloud… about what had happened to him at the hands of his uncle, it raised some complicated, self-centered feelings. All I could think of was how hurt and dead Cloud had looked when he'd told me his story… how I'd wished I could have saved him. So I knew right away I was going to project those feelings onto Sora, and I honestly didn't care. I deluded myself into thinking I could be there for him, and my savior complex drove me halfway insane.

It irked me that I couldn't get ahold of him, and that the orphanage wouldn't let me take him no matter how many times he ended up back there. But it brought me back to life when I found out that he'd run away for good and they couldn't find him. I made it my mission to really track him down once more. Stupidly enough, I didn't find him anywhere near where I expected to, and I felt dead all over again when I saw him. He was still so small and waifish, with eyes that lay like cavernous pools in sallow sockets, ready to swallow you up and make you feel just as helpless and agonized as he must have as a child. He propositioned me and I choked, nearly breaking down into tears right there. But I held up as best I could, and I tried to give him a way out of what I knew he was doing. He had my number and address at least, I figured. It was enough. It was all I could do.

I gave him a place to stay that night since he'd asked. We talked very little, and I felt my palms sweating the entire time he sat staring at me. He yelled at me some, tested the waters, but eventually he just gave in and went to sleep. He was gone the next morning long before I woke up.

When I left Vegas, I finally started letting go, at least a little. I lived a bit more. I wondered about him often, and on the worst nights, I thought about that boy and how I'd failed him. I thought, too, of Cloud, and how I had been unable to do anything for him. How I'd been so utterly useless to everyone and everything around me.

It wasn't until I started forgiving myself that I found Cloud again.

I just so happened to be in my hometown that weekend, dealing with the new owners of my parents' house (they had found some things I'd forgotten in the attic). I had only planned to be there for a day, until I saw Cloud show up outside his old place, looking almost exactly the same, but with a brighter smile. It was a shock to my system, so I booked a hotel room and tried my best to deal with my feelings before I went to him. I had to confront him, in some way or other, and I was ready to do so, so I knew I was going to find myself in front of him at some point. However, instead, he came to me, a little fidgety and with a wavering voice I'd only heard once before.

"So you're here," he'd said, smiling at the ground as he stood outside the door to my hotel room. "I freaked out when I saw that you'd sold your parents' place and moved somewhere else. No one knew where you were, after all so…"

I could only assume that he'd left what I wanted to hear unsaid… that he'd wanted to say: "I thought I'd never see you again. I wanted to see you again." Instead of questioning it, I invited him inside, and we dove into our old bad habits. Talking too deeply too quickly, never taking a break, just falling further and further into a pit of pain and tears and too-hot kisses. It was meaningless to sleep with him, but of course I did it anyways. I never could control myself when it came to Cloud. And even though I knew he was going to leave me again, even though I could see it in his eyes, I pretended he wouldn't, and I hurt myself all the more.

Letting go of the past became even harder when I went home after that weekend. I knew Cloud knew where I was, and it kept my mind on it… on his return, and on the past. I wanted to resolve everything within myself so that, when he did come, I would be complete… but there were some tangles I simply could not tease out, regardless of the hours spent. Giving up probably made me more whole than anything. It wasn't a feeling of wanting to die, it was more like death… real death. And it gave me the chance to be completely reborn.

I spent years rebuilding who I was, ignoring the outside world and letting my hubris and egocentricity float away with the dead shell I'd shucked off down-river. There was nothing left but to live, and to live with the intention of knowing and caring for myself.

Thus, even when Sora called after so many, yet so few years… I was free. Nothing came floating back. Nothing hurt. I could be there for him without wishing I could save him. I could see him as a person and not a blank screen onto which I might project my need to make up for the past, and to be the rock in someone's life.

I apologized for not saving him anyways, of course, but I didn't feel those words. I was apologetic, yes, but I wasn't blaming myself. I was telling Sora "I wanted to be there for you, and that sentiment is alive and well today." I hoped it was enough.

And watching him as he lived with me, it seemed as though it was. He became… something else. It was like watching dirt caked on a window flake away and reveal more and more clear sky, more light. He was a ball of sunshine marred by the soot of this world, and it was incredible to see the changes he made all on his own.

It reminded me so much of Cloud, and it made me miss him all the more. And though his date of arrival was not far off (unbeknownst to me, at that time), I felt a keen, echoing loneliness when Sora was not right next to me. I could not have understood how much of me would be cured not long after Sora's arrival… but that's better left unspoken.


	17. Extra: The Chemicals Between Us

**Warning:** Sex, drugs, violence. All the best things. A somber, pretentious atmosphere provided by this girl who thinks she's some kind of writer. Some weirdly gushy bits followed by some attempts at being funny. Song titles as chapter titles, as usual (because I haven't an original bone in my entire body). TRIGGER WARNING: rape, psychological abuse, and physical abuse. Please take note. Very important.

**Disclaimer:** I have no imagination, I came up with nothing.

**Title:** The Chemicals Between Us by Bush

****Izzy** would like you to note:** This is just a Cloud/Leon chapter c:

* * *

**The Chemicals Between Us**

It's strange to taste every emotion and buried memory in a single kiss. Even stranger: wondering what exactly the other party is tasting during that brief meeting of lips and tongues. Wondering how much of yourself will be bared before the end. But even though the lack of clarity as to what his own kiss was revealing to his partner after many years apart was worrisome, to say the least, Cloud could take comfort in the fact that he most certainly wasn't the only one engulfed by those sensations as Leon's mouth hungrily sought his. He could clearly sense it just from the little things that seemed particular to this first reunion kiss.

Whether it be the fact that Leon had rushed to initiate it the minute the door clicked shut behind his nephew, or the very pronounced tremble of his lower lip as he dug in deeper, it was clear that this was not standard procedure. After more than 30 years of knowing him (even if many of those had been spent apart), he was certain.

Then… it was over. They parted and looked at each other genuinely, eyes locking together almost mechanically. Cloud had no recollection of doing it, but somehow, his arms had become wound tight around Leon's neck. Similarly, Leon's hands were rubbing his lower back in a soothing motion he was certain had been going on for quite some time but, again, he had no recollection of when it had started. He had been reasonably distracted, after all. Now, however, he was very aware of their closeness, and very aware of how good it felt to press up against Leon.

Something started to come apart as he considered how near to each other they suddenly were after ten years. It was like slowly snapping the stitches on an old, yet unhealed wound. Something that had festered and lay oozing for ages and ages. The heady scent of sandalwood and clean sweat that seemed to perpetually cling to Leon's body hadn't changed. Nor had his build — more muscular than Cloud's, yet still supple. His eyes were the same overwhelming, stormy gray they had been at just 18 when he'd announced his undying love, but there was something less terrifying about them. Something calmer and more understanding. The same could be said of his smile, a time-tested attestation of his years spent alone growing and learning.

Cloud breathed in and felt his heart twist itself into a tight ball. He tried to inhale without shaking, but everything came rushing out before he could get a handle on his emotions. He sobbed against the chest he was so happy to touch once more and squeezed tighter, pulling the man he loved into an uncomfortable embrace. Leon didn't seem to mind. In fact, Cloud could feel the brunet's breath shuddering, a clear sign that he was shedding tears of his own.

After a brief span of comfortable silence, Cloud felt a hand nudging at his chin, compelling him to look up. He lifted his face and closed his eyes knowingly, a sharp inhale punctuating the moment their lips met again. It was much softer than the first kiss, but no less urgent. If anything, the heat and emotion grew ten-fold as they became reaccustomed to the sensation of kissing one another. Cloud thought he might have been imagining it, but he felt like Leon had gotten unimaginably good with the passage of time. His breathing was already labored and the brunet's hands hadn't wandered anywhere near his erogenous zones. He briefly wondered if Leon was feeling it as much as he was but was quickly reassured as the younger man pushed him against the wall and let out a small murmur of pleasure, crushing his tongue against Cloud's.

It was then that their clash ceased being slow and intense and grew into something that heated Cloud to the core, sending fire pumping through his veins. Each time Leon's hands grazed his bare skin he felt like every nerve in his body was straining with pleasure, yet simultaneously straining for _more_. He had never felt so desperate for someone's touch. He wanted to grab those hands and guide them over his skin over and over. He wanted to bury his face in Leon's neck and breathe in his scent until it had drowned out everything else in his world. He wanted him. Painfully. Urgently. Without restraint.

He groped between the brunet's legs and sunk his teeth into a bit of flesh over his collarbone with a small smile, leaving a small hickey as his partner pushed him harder into the wall. They only remained like that for a nanosecond before Leon was hustling Cloud towards his bedroom, unceremoniously tossing his shirt away behind him as he slammed the door. Cloud let out a small appreciative breath and let Leon remove his clothes as well, breath hitching at the touch of bare skin against bare skin. As he was distracted by these sensations, he didn't notice Leon had already thumbed open the button on his jeans, and was thus caught entirely off-guard when the brunet knelt in front of him and licked the underside of his cock. He let out a surprised "ah," and wound his fingers in Leon's hair, shivering as the man's mouth completely took him in.

He couldn't stand waiting for the main event much longer, however. Especially with the way Leon's fingers were prodding at his entrance. Rather than continue as they were, he grabbed the probing hand and applied the pressure himself, gasping at the intrusion despite the forewarning. Leon, spurred on by the blond's actions, finally pushed him down and thrust his fingers inside in earnest.

From the look on his face, Cloud knew Leon was getting just as impatient as he was. He let his knees fall open more and licked the palm of Leon's unoccupied hand, watching with a shudder as the brunet kissed up and down his inner thighs.

"Leon," he gasped, biting one of the fingers in his grasp. "Put it in me. I'm ready."

Leon seemed to shudder but Cloud couldn't be sure, because the next thing he knew, the brunet was slipping himself inside with a forceful thrust that occupied all of his attention. He moaned immediately, giving up all of his pretension, all of his dignity. He wanted to be completely honest as they fucked. He wanted everything to be completely honest between them from then on.

He didn't hold back, not even a bit, as Leon thrust into him. He stroked himself without shame, watching Leon's face intently and thinking how incredibly hot the younger man looked during all of this. Thinking how beautiful each line of Leon's face was, especially as it contorted with heightening pleasure. Thinking how much he wanted to kiss that face, and tear at that skin, and bite him all over. Thinking how harsh and painful it was to love this much. And then he came — by surprise — and felt his body melting in a way it had never melted before. He was sublime, ethereal, completely at ease. He didn't even care that Leon was coming inside of him. He didn't even care that the brunet didn't pull out afterwards, and instead lay heavy on top of him. He wanted things this way: stroking his fingers through Leon's hair and gripping him with trembling thighs. Their sweat mingled and he wanted nothing but to drown in it. And for him, that was the height of peace.

* * *

When he thought upon this later, he would consider all of that profound joy and tranquility almost entirely attributable to post-coital bliss, and wonder why the fuck he thought going for a second round was a good idea.

First of all, Sora had definitely heard them, and the "oh my god" the blond had let out in response to being heard had probably served only to increase Sora's aversion tenfold. Secondly, Cloud hadn't been fucked by anyone in, well, ten years. Therefore, everything hurt like hell. Everything. His hips, his ass, his shoulders. Ev-er-y-thing.

It didn't help that Leon spent the following day smirking every time he struggled to move.

However, despite all of this, Cloud was truly overwhelmed by how serene he had become in the span of just one day. He'd jumped from giddiness to anxiety to speechlessness, and back again, but he had finally found exactly what he needed. He'd always known this time would come, and that he'd find happiness with Leon (provided the man still loved him after everything), but it was still jarring and surreal to be wrapped up in the reality of it. He felt like he'd been draped in a warm blanket. He never wanted to leave again.

He thought that perhaps these feelings were fleeting, and wondered if they'd disappear when the time came to talk everything over with his lover, but even as the day wore on and they finally broached the important topics, Cloud felt completely secure.

Leon would ask him such pressing questions as "What have you been doing this whole time?" and he didn't worry for a second that his answers would cause trouble. Everything was as it needed to be already, and nothing would change that.

"I'm going to tell you the truth," he said, leaning into Leon's shoulder. "I haven't really been doing anything."

Leon gave him a quizzical look, but shrugged and nodded afterwards, seeming satisfied with the non-answer.

Cloud went on.

"I've just been… wandering. I have all of this unwanted money I got from settlements with... well, you know... so I've just been living in various places, working odd jobs and enjoying the scenery. I guess I figured myself out somewhere along the way, but it wasn't constantly on my mind."

Leon nodded again, touching Cloud's hair fondly.

"Well, your journey doesn't necessarily have to be a conscious one, I suppose," he murmured. "All that matters is that you're back here with me, and you're here to stay… presumably?"

The blond turned and kissed his lover meaningfully at the question, reassuring him with a gentle nod and a contented smile. And though Cloud had always felt a smug sense of superiority towards Leon that he knew had irked the younger man during their youth, he now felt almost cowed in the face of Leon's enlightened mien. He was happy to let go of the last vestiges of his immaturity anyways, and he knew (after many decades of trial and error) that superiority and smugness had no place in love. That those feelings were a hindrance, and it was time to let them lie.

"I love you," he said quietly, interlocking his fingers with Leon's and turning to face him again. "I always loved you. I loved you back when you told me you loved me. I loved you when you came back to our hometown… when I went to see you, my heart was pounding out of my chest. I've loved you the same amount of time you've loved me, even though it took me so long to say it."

Leon nodded sagely and smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling and catching the first tear before it fell. Cloud reached up and wiped away the rest as they started up, kissing under his lover's eyes and resting in his lap in a tight embrace. He breathed out and shed his own tears in silence, wishing he could stay this way forever. Wishing he could die before he ever had to leave Leon's arms again. He hoped he had the power to make his wishes come true.


	18. Extra: Over the Hills and Far Away

**Warning:** Sex, drugs, violence. All the best things. A somber, pretentious atmosphere provided by this girl who thinks she's some kind of writer. Some weirdly gushy bits followed by some attempts at being funny. Song titles as chapter titles, as usual (because I haven't an original bone in my entire body). **TRIGGER WARNING:** rape, psychological abuse, and physical abuse. Please take note. Very important.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**Title:** Over the Hills and Far Away by Led Zeppelin

* * *

**Over the Hills and Far Away**

Sora received word that his father died nearly a full year after settling into life with Lea in Oregon.

It came as no great shock to him, really, but it did serve to dredge up some old feelings about a different time in life and a different place. He felt strangely nostalgic, though there were some very prominent negative feelings attached to the past and to Vegas as a whole.

But he wanted to go back when he heard. He needed to. There were things he'd put off and he certainly had the time to take care of them. Lea could even get time off work to come with him. So it was settled: they were making a road trip. Probably the last significant road trip they'd ever embark on, though it didn't feel all that profound as they set off in the wee hours of the morning. It just felt surreal.

Sora drove for the first leg, and they made the most of their time together, treating it as a kind of vacation, though most of it would be spent cooped up in a car and later in an unfamiliar hotel room. They weren't as hardy or numb to certain things anymore after starting their cushy life in a big house with perfect neighbors and a wealth of good friends and people to count on. It seemed ridiculous to both of them, but they couldn't understand how they'd gotten through all the driving and skeevy behavior without melting down all the time as they sat in their cramped vehicle. By the time they reached Reno, Lea wanted to pick off all of his finger nails out of boredom and Sora felt like he could happily drive fifteen cars off the road and feel nothing but contentment at his own death as long as it meant getting all the shitty drivers away from him.

Still, it was a welcome respite to stop in Reno and remember their time spent there previously. They passed the crappy place they'd stayed at with a chuckle and ate at the same diner they'd gone to the day they'd left. Things started to feel at least slightly more average, then, as their conversation came easier and the air became less claustrophobic. Getting back in the car after all that wasn't such a treat, but Sora thought he could live with it since he wouldn't be driving for the last 8 or so hours. And at least Lea wouldn't be completely aimless.

It felt more like old times when they set off from Reno, actually, and it gave Sora a chill. They were going backwards. Literally. All the way backwards. This was a completely physical, exact route, and he just hoped it wasn't at all symbolic. He wouldn't let it be, anyways. The trip was not allowed to have any bearing on his life unless it was positive. He'd resolved as much and his will power could dominate anything the universe threw his way, at this point. He was transcendent.

Even as they neared the Strip and the lights came rearing up at him, Sora felt so far beyond everything around him. Rather than slogging endlessly through miles of swamp while scrabbling to find a way out as he'd once felt he was doing in Las Vegas, it was like sprouting wings and taking off, flying high above everything that used to hold him back. He smiled at Lea and gripped his unoccupied hand gently. They'd come a long way since they'd first met in this wretched city.

When they finally reached Joann's bar and Sora hopped out, he felt nothing but fondness for everything around him. It was almost like a trip down memory lane, and not necessarily the one he'd been expecting to take. It wasn't fraught with worry and angst and tears as he'd expected. Rather, it was like revisiting the places where his love had grown. Both for himself, and for Lea.

So when he stepped through that once all-too-familiar door and took a look around, there was nothing weighing on him but the thing he'd come back to say and do. It was simple impetus without pain. It wasn't too busy yet, since it was still pretty early in the night, so the two boys were noticed immediately. There were even some regulars who looked irked by their arrival, probably wishing they'd stayed away and kept the place quiet. But they weren't the people Sora was interested in.

"Oh my god," Joann murmured, her face aglow when she saw him. She rushed out from behind the bar and embraced him without preamble, laughing breathily and patting him on the back. When she drew back, she looked nothing but pleased. "I can't believe you came back here. I'm glad you did, but I can't believe it. I thought you were gone for good."

"I couldn't leave you hanging, Jo," he said, gripping her hand with a smile. "I wanted to come back and… really thank you. Maybe now isn't the best time, but-"

"Actually, now's the perfect time," she interrupted, gesturing to Breanna behind the bar before leading Sora and Lea to another room. The redhead didn't know if he should follow or not, and hesitated outside before getting dragged in by his boyfriend, not sure what the purpose was in his presence.

The other two went on without regard, chattering lightly as soon as they entered and toasting to something random while pulling back a shot each from one of Joann's good bottles.

"This is my boyfriend, Lea, by the way," Sora mentioned, gesturing towards the lanky redhead as an afterthought. "You've sort of met."

"Yes, I remember," the woman chuckled, glancing him up and down. He was a lot more proper than he'd been in the past, though not by much. Just cleaner clothes, less leather, neater hair. Joann seemed to take all of this in with a wry smirk, her assessment of him unimportant to the real purpose of their visit. She commented anyways. "You look better than I remember. Maybe you won't cause so much trouble in my bar this time around."

"That was hardly all his doing," Sora interjected, snorting. "It was all attached to me, after all."

"Yes, and we all know you've done more damage here than any patron in all my years of running this place."

He grinned affably with a shrug, but made a light apology, knowing all was forgiven anyways. She waved to dismiss it, and went on to ask why he'd really come back.

"I came to thank you," he reiterated, looking at her seriously. "I never did it properly. I never told you how important it was that you took care of me all that time and had so much patience. I wouldn't be alive if you hadn't been there-"

"Oh please," she scoffed, still swigging from her bottle occasionally. "You're overstating things, darlin."

"I'm serious, Joann," Sora insisted. The two stared at each other for a moment after that, having a silent conversation. Joann was asking if what he was saying was true, and he was screaming yes. Begging her to understand just how crucial she'd been to his survival. Eventually, it ended with a gruff nod from Joann and a pat on Sora's shoulder. He accepted both with a smile and started rattling off about his new situation, about how wonderful everything had become, about how he wanted to give her something. Lea watched with a warm smile as Sora gently offered her a roll of money and murmured something about using it to repair something she'd always been trying to fix. At least, that was the gist of it. The redhead couldn't quite figure it all out, since he wasn't privy to all the information shared between them just yet. He didn't mind, he just wanted Sora to do what he needed to get every last bit of closure and every last bit of happiness he could.

It seemed to go well, too, as Joann accepted the money with a wavering smile, breaking down into a fit of repressed tears and hugging the small brunet in earnest. After that, she took a few moments to compose herself before tucking away what he'd given her, leading he and Lea out to the bar and drinking with them for awhile before it was time to leave. Sora wanted to tuck in for the night after so much driving, and both he and Joann seemed to know this was more of a genuine goodbye.

"You can always call," she said as they left, smiling with genuine care. "I like knowing that you're happy and safe."

"Thank you, Joann. I will. I missed you."

They embraced quietly and then parted ways, a look of satisfaction on Sora's face as they headed for a hotel. They didn't stay somewhere horrible like they used to, for once, and Sora was grateful when they flopped onto their fluffy bed. He certainly didn't miss their old lifestyle. He could feel how much cleaner things had become in his very bones. He no longer ate fast food or diner burgers. He no longer slept in disgusting flea infested motel rooms that still smelled of smoke from the last guests they'd had. And he no longer drank or popped pills regularly, though he did occasionally go to bars with Cloud for the hell of it. And he'd had drinks with some of Lea's old friends in Portland just a few weeks before. It was all so incredibly different, though. He wanted nothing to do with his past self.

Lea noted his wistful demeanor and said nothing during Sora's reverie, simply rubbing down his back in soothing strokes. Sora sighed and reached for him, pulling him close and pressing a few soft kisses to his lips.

"Sorry for dragging you here just for that," the brunet murmured, closing his eyes as Lea toyed with his hair. "I know it seems weird that my dad died and we just came here to see Joann but…"

"It's not weird," Lea responded, rubbing his back again. "She's the only person who really took care of you in your life before Leon, so it's almost like she was your real parent. So maybe that's why your dad's death made you think of coming here."

"I suppose… since it was bound to happen at some point anyways."

"You just needed the push," Lea confirmed, eyes closing to match Sora's. "And I need a push to get up and shower."

Sora snickered and gave him a literal shove, grumbling a little when Lea dragged him along as well.

"You'll feel better if you shower," the redhead insisted, stripping him. "We can shower, sleep like the dead, and then greet the morning with considerably less irritation than we otherwise would."

More than happy to oblige since he was already up, Sora got in with Lea and tried his best to share the hot water without getting irked by his partner. It could get tricky trying to share a stream when you just really wanted to rinse your hair.

"God, it takes 900 years to get all the conditioner out of your hair," Sora grumbled, squeezing at his lover's thick locks for the fifth time. "One of these days I'm going to shave it all off while you're sleeping."

Lea looked offended. "Don't even joke about that," he grunted, still rinsing. "This hair is my pride and joy."

"Shouldn't you be more proud of like… important things? Like your job or your contributions to the world or even your car?"

"Hair takes a long time to grow, Sor."

"Yeah, but what effort, exactly, went into this? Were you pushing it out with your mind?"

"No, smartass, but I had the mental fortitude to stick it out even when all I wanted to do was start cutting away."

"I don't get why you didn't just do it. It would save us a shit ton of water…"

"It's not like we can't deal with the cost."

"It's not green, Lea. Duh."

"That's it, you have got to stop hanging out with Cloud. He's turning you into a hippie."

"This isn't a hippie concern, it's a human concern. Dumbass."

"Well, maybe I'm not human."

"You'd agree with me, normally, you just have to be as stubborn as possible since we're talking about your hair and I'm obviously winning the argument."

"Pshaw. Like you're winning. Your water wasting argument is a moot point. I take shorter showers than you do with all the time you spend thinking under the hot water."

Sora pouted and said nothing, realizing he was right. 'I like these little arguments,' he thought, grinning. 'They're like the badge of a real couple. Something that proves I'm a normal person in a normal relationship that's not full of screaming matches and near breakdowns anymore.'

"What are you smiling about?" the redhead mumbled, tilting Sora's head back to help him wash his hair.

Sora closed his eyes and let Lea take over the task of washing him, never giving a proper answer. He was getting too sleepy to have a real conversation anyways, and wanted to just revel in the feelings wrapping around him.

The next thing he knew, the sun was streaming through the curtains to wake him, and the heat of the hotel comforter was starting to feel stifling. He shoved it away in favor of the sheet underneath, noting that Lea had done the same at some point during the night. He chuckled and wondered if he'd passed out in the shower, realizing he had no recollection of being put to bed. He shrugged it off and looked at Lea for a bit, stroking some of his red hair out of the way. With a small yawn, he kissed him once and stood up to brush his teeth, coming back into the main room to find his boyfriend finally coming to.

"You're up early," the redhead noted, glancing at the clock. "It's only 6."

Sora shrugged and hopped up on the bed, settling on top of Lea with a grin.

"Ugh, you're heavy."

But it didn't seem to bother him all that much, really. He grabbed Sora's face and kissed him in earnest, eventually pushing the brunet down on his back to deepen it.

"Your mouth tastes like toothpaste," he noted, kissing down the side of Sora's neck.

"And yours tastes like morning breath," the smaller man grumbled, wrinkling up his nose.

"You've never complained about that before."

"But that's because usually we both have morning breath so it doesn't matter."

"Mm, I contend that it doesn't matter now, either because I'm not taking a break just to brush my teeth."

Sora giggled and let Lea kiss down his chest, thinking that his red hair really looked beautiful in the hazy morning air. It wasn't the first time he'd thought as much, but he liked to run his hands through it and stare at the little bits here and there that shined with a slightly different color under the sunlight. This would go on until he became too distracted to focus on anything but the mouth now pressing wet kisses down his thighs, something that happened rather quickly when it came to Lea.

He moaned low in his throat and shuddered when the redhead groped him through his boxer briefs, arching up for more. They stripped each other lazily and pressed tight together when they kissed, mouths working in sloppy, yet practiced kisses. Lea prepared him slowly as they continued pressing their tongues together, eventually slipping inside almost without thought. They breathed against each other's lips when Lea started moving, hissing softly before going back to wet kisses. They did this over and over, pausing in between only to change positions or do something a little different.

Sora loved morning sex if only because it felt like they could spend all day going back for more if they chose. There was always that possibility. Eventually, however, he felt like he couldn't come again even if he wanted to and lay breathing heavily against Lea's chest, sweat still clinging to both of them from the final bout.

"What time is it?" he murmured, closing his eyes and letting one leg entwine with his lover's.

"10 o'clock," Lea answered quietly.

They both laughed a little at that, wondering if it was normal to fuck for 4 hours before a long drive. Sora knew he'd probably regret it just a little bit as the soreness set in, groaning as he forced himself to stand and shower off as Lea followed and brushed his teeth. They showered together for a short time after the redhead had finished what he was doing, just enjoying the closeness and ability to relax not afforded by the car they were about to be trapped in again for well over 16 hours. Afterwards, they went to eat somewhere away from the strip and came back only for checkout, settling in for that terrible drive all over again.

Somehow, it didn't seem as bad to Sora the second time. They had a strangely long conversation about nothing and everything, and the comfortable silences were accented by the stroke of Lea's thumb across his knuckles, or the feeling of warmth he got from leaning his face on the man's shoulder. When they switched drivers again, Sora spent a lot of time thinking as he drove, wondering if he was repressing anything. It seemed strange that he was so unaffected by his father's death.

'Maybe there's some emotion deep inside, but I can only imagine happiness,' he thought, frowning slightly. 'I guess that's sort of cruel, but I don't know… am I supposed to be sad after everything he did to me? Is there something I'm supposed to feel?' In the end, he realized that there was no prescribed way to react. Especially considering everything he'd gone through. If anything, he was slightly proud that he had no reaction. Because he didn't think happiness was reality, not at all. He was not happy his father had died. He was not happy that his father had been the man he was in the first place, and that someone had instilled in him the need to harm others. He was not happy that his father had suffered and become unstable, or that he'd made his mother suffer into insanity. He was definitely not happy that his father's suffering became his, but he couldn't be bitter about it. He'd let so much of that go when he'd realized just how strong and independent he'd become. He'd escaped what haunted him and become determined enough to handle it. There was something very therapeutic and cathartic about that. He no longer blamed his father, though he did think he was a man who had done horrible things. It didn't mean he was sad about his death, unfortunately, just a little bit sad that he'd been who he was. Sad that nearly a whole lifetime had been spent on nothingness and agony, and that it had ended without any great change. He looked over at Lea and smiled wistfully, silently thankful that he'd had someone to kickstart his great change.

"What's that smile for?" Lea murmured, rubbing Sora's shoulder softly. They looked at each other, utterly at peace.

"I was just thinking that I love you and I'm glad that things happened the way they did. I'm glad you kissed me that time even if it was just a drunken impulse."

Lea laughed. "Haven't I told you before that I felt exactly what you felt at that moment? That was some supernatural shit, I swear."

"Maybe," Sora conceded, still smiling. And then their conversation went back to more innocuous topics, carrying them through until they'd reached home — their home. Despite how sappy and silly it probably would have seemed from the outside, Sora was happy to have what he had. Someone to talk to about nothing and everything. People and places he loved and could visit without any hurt. And a home. A place and a person to call home. This happiness was everything.


End file.
